Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

I’ve moved my blog to Live Journal, mostly because I can pick and choose who sees what which for me is a good thing to do. I’m too lazy right now to pull all of this, but I know I seem to get read a lot here, so please come visit my new home. Ravings seemed quite right for a while, but I am hopeful that I am moving to a place in my life where bipolar is not my primary identity. That may change again, but for now, things are good… Come see my new place:

Out of the Light and into the Dark

(well I didn’t say I was moving into all sunshine and roses!). If you are one of my regular readers, give me a shout via email and I’ll give you more access than the default public one.

Thanks for being so loyal…

- the witch

I have awoken from the dream. Like all dreams it was bittersweet. It was the most beautiful, and like a previous post at the end I did crash and crumble, moreso than I have in a long time. But only because I flew so very high, even if for so short a time. The dream awoke me to the passion beating in my heart, the desire that lives in my soul, the buried love and wants and needs that had so long ago been put away, forgotten.

I loved. I do still love. Yet, I found a soul that is not yet ready to go down the path I am walking. For a brief shining moment he loved me deeply and with his entire being, but it was not meant to be, whether it was a choice he made, or something that was flawed. It matters not. Through the confusion, the miscommunication that increased as things became more difficult, I still saw what we had.

And for that I am grateful. For now I know that while that dream has ended, I am awake and alive. And awake I shall find what it took a dream to realize I still wanted and needed. Tremendous passion, tremendous love, the gift of total submission, the joy of giving, playfulness, wonder, laughter…. love.

And with the awakening, I was shown that there are others who stood in the shadows waiting to show me their love. I am loved beyond measure, and in many ways for the first time in my life I have found family that means more to me than anything else in the world. I would walk into a fire for them, stand at the gates of hell, bare my soul and give all that I have - just as they would for me.

Crash and burn? Yes, there was some of that. But as a phoenix I have arisen to a more beautiful now. Even without the illusion that was him.

Tags: love, relationship, change

I have been told on more than one occasion, for several years and by several different people that I overthink things. Recently, I shared that with the new guy in my life and he laughed. Hard. I guess he agreed. It’s not that it surprises me when I hear it, or that he agrees completely. It’s just that I am struggling with the whole concept. On the one hand I have an analytical mind - I mean I am growing up to be a scientist - how could I do so without being very thoughtful and contemplative. Add curiosity, introspection and perfectionism to that and you have me.

I’m not completely unhappy with that, it is the way I’ve been as long as I can remember, and frankly it’s saved my ass many more times than I care to count. As in all areas of my life I hit a dichotomy there You would think with those qualities that I would be quiet with my thoughts until thinking things through. However, I am not that way, partially because the thinking takes not only thoughtfulness, but writing and talking out loud, and sometimes (frequently) even sleeping.

Yes, my brain still works things out while I am sleeping. Some of the biggest work problems I have get solved in my sleep. Some of the deepest insights I have had into emotional work I’m doing are in the mornings. So turning my brain off is not a simple task, since it works hard even when I am asleep. I have never been able to even start to comprehend the possibility of not having thought - when people claim they are not thinking of anything at all.

However, on the other side of this is the fact that analysing things has brought me a great deal of stress and unhappiness. I certainly ran intellectual circles around all the bad that happened in my life growing up so I never felt it. Then I ran the same circles around my therapists who wanted me to work on those same feelings. Only a few therapists have been successful at breaking me of that - and thus therapy hasn’t been very effective.

I try to see all points of view, and understand all that happens to me, and always have to ask the “WHY” of things, when even intellectually on a conceptual level I understand that for most things there is no why. But I’ve based my life, my faith, my worth, everything on rational thought out reasons. I am comfortable there. So when interacting with others, when there is so much that really has no answer in a why?, I keep coming at the question in different ways trying to work it out like a puzzle. Like an experiment that has a conclusion one way or another. When I can’t figure it out from one angle, I try another. As I get more information I change my reasoning based on new data. Sometimes, I even change myself to fit more of the picture I see emerging so that I can fit in, be who I need to be. I give up my identity to allow myself a rational answer to things that are not rational. Yep, fuck myself up and over…

Self knowlege is only a good thing if you can put it to use by changing what you don’t want. I don’t want the stress of having to figure everything out anymore. But I don’t know how to turn off my brain from needing that information. After all, when someone asks me why I want to study physics I answer that I want to understand the universe. I think most people think I am joking, but I’m not. I truly do. And yes, I have that much ego given enough room to let it out. But I can’t even really give answers to the “whys” in my own life… And trying hurts me. It keeps me from being grateful for all that I have.

Ok, even this is overthought out. But I’m working on it…

Living in the moment can fuck things up. So many things have been opened up in me again by this new relationship in my life. One is the sexuality and passion that I really do have inside. For the first couple weeks, things were hugely passionate, explosively sexual, and at least for me building towards really good wonderful sex. It made me remember my body, my physical self, and needs and desires that I had buried. Then things changed. Not sure why or how, they just did. Things now are more tender, and loving, and also more geared towards a submissive/Dominant space, but not in that primal energy of raw power and sex. I love what is going on now. But I also want what we had.

I’ve struggled with this for the past couple weeks. And this last weekend we started a dialog about it. And I’ve had some realizations this morning. Regardless of what happened or why things changed, they are the way they are right now. And again, I’m happy in that space. Yet, I’m needing/wanting more now that I’ve been “awakened” to those feelings inside me. If I live in this moment, each moment with him. We’re not going there. So how do I deal with that?

How do I deal with needing/wanting something from someone who can’t/won’t give that to me? Is he responsible for taking care of that… absolutely not. But yet, remembering what was makes me know how incredible the could be is… if I look outside of that for what I perceive as my needs, do I lose the potential for that in the future? How do we live completely in the now and still look forward to dream and hope?

I was talking with a colleague about something totally unrelated, but it has ties to this concept. I want what I want NOW. It’s not that I can’t wait… I could. But the not knowing if that will ever be fulfilled when it was so THERE before… that is hard and I that I don’t think I can do. In questions (which maybe he didn’t understand) I wanted to hear from him that this was a place he wanted to go like I do, but he couldn’t answer that. I’m not sure if it was because he truly doesn’t think about the future and for him now is all there is and that isn’t what he wants, or if he didn’t understand what I was asking. I’ve tried to clarify but it doesn’t help, and when I found myself writing yet another email with questions I realized this morning that I had my answer I just didn’t want to accept it. We aren’t there in the now, and there is no definition about the future. We could go to a place of mind blowing sex, or we may not. There is no definition.

I guess the biggest answer is the one in my heart that knows that I need to do what is right to take care of myself now, and things will work out as they should. Do I need/want sex. Absolutely. Can I have that now with him? No. So to I need to look for other ways to have that. That makes me totally responsible for myself. It also makes me sad - he awakened those needs and passions in me by being so amazingly passionate, and for whatever reason that is no longer an option. Maybe it will at some point in the future, maybe it won’t. But if I am to live in the moment, that doesn’t matter. It isn’t NOW. And now is what I have. And in the now I want to go there with someone special - I want to have what started with him for myself. To share that part of myself with another. To lose myself in the amazing primal energy of twining bodies and explosive passion. And I can manifest it in my life.

Knowing that how do I go forward? Haven’t a clue. I am however, grateful for the insight. I’m working hard not to worry about the how, but now that i realize that that was a big part of what I was trying to gain in my life, I want what I want now…

In spite of getting a horrendous period today, I feel better.  Much happened last week to give me clarity, some sense of the what is, and now I’m balanced again.  It allowed me to put things into a perspective I could understand instead of struggling with concepts that were some one else’s and foreign to me.  It allowed me to make decisions like not writing about deep things in email, unless you speak the same language.  Come to think of it, there is only one person in the entire world I was ever able to do that with, and now he is out of my life.  Sad for me, but true.

So today is a good day.  I have the happiness, if not the giddiness of before, and I am excited about where I am going and how to get there.  I see plans and decisions on my horizon, I can have my dreams, and still have fun and be myself.  Went to a club Saturday night and saw people I’ve not seen in ages.  Got to talk with them and share and had a wonderful time.  And to think I hesitate to go by myself.  Times like Saturday make me remember that I am loved and valued in the community and that there is a place for me if I simply walk into it.

Things are more peaceful at home right now.  My house needs cleaning (ugg).  Badly (double ugg).  I hate to clean.  Would love to hire a maid.  Maybe I will for this once.  Probably be incredibly expensive but it would be really nice to have a really clean house.  Of course, that doesn’t solve the clutter problem which is also driving me nuts - too much STUFF.  But no where to put it.  yikes.

Do i miss the giddiness, the new "in-love" feelings?  yeah i do… i would have like them to stay longer.  there is something about that that makes you feel really really alive, your senses, body and soul open to all the possibilities of everything in the universe.  i’m hoping it’s just gone on hiatus.  but we’ll see.

anyway, i survived the crash

i’m back

Tags: love, relationship, bipolar

I need to write, I want to write… yet it feels like in my head my words falter and fail. I know that much of what I am feeling is likely chemical, some stupid neurotransmitter misfiring in my brain. But we know so little - does that happen first, or does shit happen and then the chemicals make it worse? I don’t know.

I know that I feel like I’m on the precipice again. Not the beautiful one that I wrote about just a while ago, or maybe it is and I have different eyes. I want to wrap myself in ice again, and I am fighting it. I think that is the discomfort and unhappiness I’m feeling. The normal reaction I have to feeling exposed and as if I have risked myself and my soul is to close myself off. To back down, back away, turn my back and even run away if I need to. I fight within myself because I don’t want to.

I want to believe that I am worthy of love, of being told I”m beautiful, of having good feelings and warmth. Because of circumstance I have no control over I have stopped being in a place where I can accept that and feel like I have to question everything. And the questioning is making me despair. I doubt myself, my judgement, my ability to care, my ability to give anything to anyone and simply want to just disappear.

I really don’t know where these feelings come from. It is certainly nothing anyone has done. And nothing that I feel that I have done. What I really want I can’t have right now. What I really need I don’t know.

Fear, the thing that sucks. External fear is nothing. Someone threatening me, a fear of something external - those are nothing. The fear that we are not worthy inside, that we have no value, that we are only a burden and should not bother the people in our lives… that is fear. That is the circle of black descent that there is no venturing out of. That is the precipice I’m standing on. I can hear my therapist, my friends, saying that I need to just choose to realize I am a good person. That I deserve to be happy and have wonderful things in my life. I wish it were that simple. There have been times in my life when everything was crumbling around me and I had the choice to be happy. Here I am now with so much that is good in my life and I don’t see that choice. I only see the approaching ice.

And finally the fear of bipolar. I am too crazy for people to stick around. My moods scare people off, and ultimately I am again alone.

Today is black. The world is black. I just want to cover up in my bed and let it all go away. Float in the nothingness where there is no pain.

————————————————————————–

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
You’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…

- Sarah McLachlan, Fallen

There was a dynamic that happened in my marriage that really became clear and was very hard for me to deal with for several years before the end. It was this dynamic of intimacy, and in particular physical intimacy (ok, sex) and what would happen around who wanted it when. It was guaranteed that the minute I stopped wanting it, I would have him all over me. If I was tired, if I was just feeling funky or unhappy, or maybe grumpy or uninterested, he would not stop bothering me. The minute I became interested and excited, he would put me off. That dynamic played out to where I just didn’t want sex any more. It became a head trip that I just wasn’t interested in anymore.

I can look back now at the power struggles in our relationship and see that that was simply another one. I can understand the reasons, the whys, the hows, the effects on that relationship. What I didn’t expect is how it would play out in later relationships. Being playful and being teased is fun. It has a place. The tension that arises from the holding back is amazing. But at some point inside of me a switch turns off and it feels like that game all over again. The yes yes yes yes yes… no. For the last couple of days I’ve struggled with that concept, and the baggage left over from such a destructive relationship. Where is the line? What is just me being me, and what is leftover shit?

Unfortunately what comes in to play is that with the old baggage comes the old coping mechanism. I turn off. I feel like it’s a power trip and a game and I don’t want to subscribe to it. From what I can look at rationally I don’t think that that is the case. But the old tapes get put in and I have a hard struggle to not just give in to old behaviors…

Struggle for the day.

The sermon at church this morning was about life as a dance. How we chose to share, or not, our life experiences with those around us. How we can chose to dance the joy and bare the pain, but in tune with the music of the universe we are meant to dance. I think that has always been true to me. I use dance as a metaphor frequently for what is happening in my life, particularly with other people. We chose to dance, or not, with this or that person.

How does that fit with my life now? I don’t know. The steps have become complex and sometimes difficult. It is a new dance for me. I have grown in ways that I would never have forseen just a few short years ago, making me both more aware of the “me” that is an individual, and at the same time more open to the “we” that can happen when dancing the same steps. I yearn deeply for the person for the “we”. I don’t believe it to be out of need, or codependency, or anything unhealthy. I believe it to be the real me standing up finally to find a person to dance with who can meet me step for step, who shares the visions of what can be, with whom I am unafraid to bare that pain and sorrow.

All of nature, all of everything that we consider that is a part of our reality dances a dance. The seasons, the moon, the planets, the stars, a river, a lover’s kiss and caress, as well as the evil in the world; hatred, prejudice, lies, deceit. It is all a part of the rhythms that make up our lives and keep us either in step, or when we walk away, quietly (or absolutely terrifyingly) disjointed, uncomfortable and out of sorts with everyone and everything around us.

At times I feel the music and I dance. At times I have a partner, and at times I dance alone. Sometimes it is literal as the music causes my body to move and flow and I feel the creation of the universe rise to revel in consciousness of the beauty of my body. Sometimes it is as simple as returning the river flowing through me, sometimes a rapids, sometimes a brook babbling quietly. Whenever I try to close off that source I feel cut off from the world.

Right now I am fighting with that river, that torrent, that music of nature inside me. What I see as possibility and love may not be there at all, may go away tomorrow, may not work, and as in a previous post, the flying I experience may end up in a jumble of tangled me as I hit the ground. We dance a dance of advance and withdraw. The steps I’ve done before do not fit with this dance, and I feel discomfort of stumbling along in an unfamiliar rhythm. I want to let go and tango with the universe and my feelings and fly in the moment. Sometimes when I do, my partner steps away and I trip… it is in those moments when I question my own heart and whether it beats in tune with the universe, or if I should withdraw from the dance to keep from stumbling again. In fear of the what might be, I question the what is. I thought I had moved past that, and here again, like a ghost it haunts me.

I’ve learned that putting up the walls, and the nets to keep from hitting the ground protect me from pain. They also protect me from joy. The comfort me in the numbness of cotton, wrapped around me like a blanket, and keep me from the echo of years past when this is not of that time. There is something about that numbness that becomes as familiar and wonderful as oblivion. It also protects me from my depression/mania cycles. I’ve also used a comparison to floating in ice, in being surrounded in it, a hard shell of protection that no one can break. Not even me. As the steps become more complex and unfamiliar, I find myself wanting very much to build the ice around me again. I’m safe there.

But it’s lonely and painful, and it burns. It burns out all passion and dance left in me. And I don’t want to go back there. And if that is true, than I must chose to stumble and fall as I learn the new tango of the universe. A different rhythm, a different beat than before. The stage where I dance is full of cracks and rough places. I feel the joy of the dance and then stub my toe. This is hard, and difficult, and I am not sure how I will end up… the running of the she wolf inside me who runs with the universe because she can, or the jangle of limbs and torn flesh that flung itself out and fell.

Tags: romance, love, life

One of the most beautiful things about getting to know someone new, someone whom you are attracted to and is attracted to you, actually falling in love, is the sharing of lives.  The stories, the blends, the vistas that open up with that new person.  In some ways he has been a part of worlds that I was aware of but had no connection to before.  I had seen them from the outside, but never gone through the door.  It’s not anything I ever avoided, rather something that I had never been drawn into for any reason.  That doesn’t mean I am not immensely curious.  I love asking him questions and getting real answers.  Of course sometimes he is very playful and doesn’t answer and just lets me wonder.  He has a wonderful smile when he does that.  But with serious things, with questions about his experiences or journeys he answers. 

When we talk, we really talk.  We share.  Past experiences, dreams for the future.  Where we will be.  Where we want to be.  Things we want to explore.  He talks geographical philosophy (and I didn’t even really know there was such a thing - I’m still trying to understand what it IS) and I talk quantum physics.  We both talk about ourselves and our lives.  What is important to us, what has meaning.  We meet in the middle and neither of us is right.  We speak the same language.

Things are so good that it scares me.  We’re taught that nothing should be this good.  That life isn’t supposed to be this happy.  That just being with a person and wanting them beside you THIS much is sick or co-dependent or that something is not quite right.  My intuition and every fiber in my being says that this is exactly what I made my spell for.  He is who I put out to the universe that I wanted, manifested down to almost every detail.  But I hardly know him.  I’d never met him before 3 weeks ago.  That horrible part of me wants to squish my happiness and my feelings.  It whispers in the back of my brain that he isn’t who I think and that he’ll disappear as quickly as he appeared and that maybe he just knows how to say all the right things.  That is the co-dependency.  That is from allowing myself to not live for so long.  Those feelings come from inside me, telling me that I’m not good enough to be so happy, that I don’t deserve it.  Thank you for sharing no go back into the corner, I tell the voice.

Another voice pops up.  What about all the rules, all the safety gauges, all the precautions that particularly in our lifestyle we take?  What happened to following them?  I’ve thrown them out the window on intuition and feeling.  Not completely.  Again, thank you for sharing, and here is what I will do to be more careful, I again say to voice number 2.

Life is risk.  Life is a precipice waiting to be stepped off so that you can fly.  We are meant to fly.  We are meant to transcend our lives that exist in the physical plane, and feel unique and deep spiritual love, passion and happiness.  Yet somewhere along the way, we’ve made agreements with ourselves that life is hard, that we will not ever get what we truly desire (and if we do it is "too good to be true") and that we are meant to suffer.  That without suffering there is no gain.

I’m tired of living that agreement.  I have stepped off the precipice and I’m flying.  And if my flight doesn’t last long, or even as long as I think it should, well than I will have loved deeply and had experiences I would never have had in any other way.  And that is life…

Did I mention that he’s very sexy, absolutely chivalrous, and even protective?

shiver…

Tags: romance, love, life

Today (finally) I went back and looked at the answers to the question I asked, that was actually picked for a world forum. I describe the project and what its meaning was in my August 28th entry (last year) if you are interested. My question was:

Where does the line between personal freedom and social responsibility towards the common good fall? Who gets to decide?

One of the things that evolved from that is I was thinking in terms of actions that are personal ethics (abortion, glt equal rights, the right to make choices in our society that have no effect on anyone but ourselves) and while all responses to the question involve ethical considerations, most of the answers came more in the economic sense of the American themes of “take take take” without regard to the others in our communities; our world. If you want to read the answers (and there are some interesting ones) go here:

http://www.droppingknowledge.org/bin/posts/focus/18773/2833/false.page

My lover says when away from me:

Was it just an hour and half ago I was touching your skin?

actually from this point 3 1/2 hours i was breathing your breath…

intimacy, the slightest brush of lip against lip, breathing in the breath of another, feeling the skin of our faces together, smelling your hair…
i have had several lovers - but few understand that the way you do… to be honest I think that was what got me -
i close my eyes and can feel the touch, the warmth, smell you and taste you on my lips
but it pales besides the poetry of you beside me, and to come, entwined with me

I have absolutely no idea how long this spell will last - and it doesn’t matter. What matters is the real magick of what is happening now - this is truly the spiritual side of physics in the reality of time and space - eternity between when we are together and how time seems to stop and hours pass when we are in each other’s presence. You are a gift and for that I am thankful. You have opened me in ways I couldn’t begin to explain… and I know that there is so much to come if it is meant to be…

we are halfway to when you will come to wake me

missing you