Samhain, a time of reflection
Last night we went to the Halloween Carnival at church and I brought Melissa along. It’s fun when she goes with us since it is almost like Mark & Spence have 2 moms, she knows them so well. Mark did all the games, helped with one as a part of his community service project and in general had a good time. Spence worked on the haunted house with the other middle schoolers. It was a good job. And they had a good time. It felt good to recognize and be recognized by his peers. They are such a good group of kids. And there is a comfortable feeling in knowing some of the people who matter to Spence.
Last night, and this weekend in general is the beginning of the new year for me. A piece in the cycle of the world where we enter the dark to come back into the light, and on and on again turns the wheel. A time to reflect and look at the last year, measure ourselves for our achievements and grieve our failings and let go.
For me, it is a double whammy of the does of self examination. My birthday lies exactly one week after Samhain, and thus gives me pause as I start a new year that way as well.
This year has been one of great expansion and learning in my life. It has also been a year of tremendous grief as I worked to truly look at the last several years of my life and see my failings, both as a mother and as an individual. It feels as if I floated in some strange dream world of my own making, a bubble around me that nothing penetrated, not the sorrow nor the joy of much of what was happening around me. I can look at pictures and see the unhappiness in my face, the sadness and care. But I never felt it. In fact I think in some ways I never felt it at all. This has been the year of feeling. I have worked to crash down the walls around me. In that year, there has been tremendous and overwhelming grief as I’ve faced the damage that kind of Mother does to her children. But in the midst of that grief, I have found things to buoy me, to carry me forward, to work towards the future instead of living in the guilt of the past. One was an absolutely beautiful reading by a man on Father’s Day that I was priviledged to hear. He spoke of his childhood as the son of an abusive man, and ineffectual mother who in her own way tried to do the best she could. I could not help but compare that with my life, especially it’s affect on my own oldest children, who are practially adults in their own right. But then he went on to talk about how his Mother never forgave herself for that damage, and how it had impacted their relationship and his own life for the rest of his years, and continued to do so. That piece made me realize that living in the past was not something I wanted to do any more. That continuing to grieve and feel guilt would only damage them more.
And so since that time I have concentrated on the future, and where I go with my children. One of the very biggest pieces of that, that he spoke so eloquently about was the need to forgive myself. And from that day I’ve worked hard on that goal. It is not an easy path. It is not made easier by the anger and intense feelings of abandonment that my children have for me. It is made easier by the love that flows more freely from me to them, and them to me. I am content with the work done so far on myself, and with them as we journey forward into relationships that are healthy and happy.
Another big piece of my year has been the challenge of finally pursuing my life long, but much put off, dream of going back to school and contributing to the science world in physics, and particular, astrophysics. It has been challenging on several levels. For one, my brain just doesn’t work in the same ways it did. So just getting back into routine of working as a student. For the first several months it took much to just wipe the grin on my face as I sat in class and absorbed everything the teacher gave. This fall has been more of a challenge, and given finances has set me back. The stress of trying to do too much, of not finding a job, of being unable to pay my bills and rent, has driven me back into the job market, and in spite of it being better it is still not easy to find a job. Take that with the fact that I do not want to eliminate going to school and it has been very challenging.
Spiritually and physically has been a growth process too. Once cannot work on the type of work I’ve been doing, intellectionally and emotionally and not come at it from a spiritual level, at least I can’t. So I’ve absorbed my way into books, “The Four Agreements” being one of particular interest, but also books and articles on indigenous peoples, and hinduism. I’ve tried to put those things in practice. My body has suffered a bit. I’ve lost a bit of ground on the weight I’ve lost as I’ve used chocolate to console myself in times of stress and grief. However, I still am told on a constant basis how much younger I look than my age, which for so long was not the case.
Finally, it has been a year to challenge my faith. In the midst of last month when facing the real possibility of losing a roof over my head for my son and I, my faith was and continues to be severely challenged. I have always believed in the fact that the Goddess does not want us to suffer, and as long as we work as hard as we can to do our part. As I worked as hard as I could, I still faced eviction. I continue to face it as I would even harder, by increasing my job hours and dropping three classes (a true heartbreak). And it has been hard enough to overcome my coping skills and medicine and put me into the hospital. That in itself was a challenge in so many ways that I can’t even begin to name them, and I’m still dealing with the aftermath.
So if I were to sum up the year, I would use the word growth. Tremendous growth and change. Almost all for the good, in spite of the pain I’ve suffered and worked through, and continue to do the work and feel the pain. But were we not to feel pain, we would not also feel the joy.
Finally, I am grateful that I have found 2 friends. Two different people who I consider to be true friends, and who consider me to be theirs. This is a new thing for me. And I am grateful for it.
