Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

I read an article on outsourcing our call centers to India and the stress it’s having on the Indian workers. USA culture has always had the image of being brassy and rude already (I’m thinking of the Fawlty Towers episode “The American” here) and it certainly hasn’t improved with the Bush cowboy method of politics (when he’s coherent enough to even get close to an image of anything). We have a lousy reputation overseas, and the people calling India for tech support, or help or ordering are not helping the situation.

Even in my own virtual office I have seen true bigotry at work, as one of our clients is GE, and maintains its own helpdesk for GE related issues that we cannot delve into since it’s GE’s servers etc. And I will admit that I do complain about not being able to understand them, but that is particular to me. I’ve never been able to understand someone with an accent on the phone, sometimes not even in person. That doesn’t make the other person stupid, it makes my hearing deficient. One of our T2s commented very negatively with slurs etc on the Indians who are taking up the jobs that companies are farming out for trimming the bottom line. That is the American way. It’s all about cost and the bottom line. Besides, people are all in an uproar but this has happened in cycles since the beginning of the Industrial Age. As technology improves, Americans tend to move into the higher paying more advanced jobs, and the lower older jobs get dropped down, and eventually it is more cost effective to pay for the services/goods produced somewhere else than it is to pay for them to be done here. Americans just expect too much in the way of pay and benefits. Not all Americans mind. Just the ones in the Middle classes and above. Trust me I know. I’m teetering on the brink of “middle class” and have looked down that road of poverty several times in my life. It’s not a pretty one, and pride goes away pretty quickly. But there’s a part of me that wants to move to India. I hear it is a beautiful place anyway. And the culture is lovely. Women who are respected and equals, yet still have the ability to stay beautifully dressed and not become “masculine” to get ahead. Ok - that is probably yet another broad sweeping generalization, but it least is made with a little knowledge. A friend of mine recently spent 2 different trips there and helped me see the country through his eyes. I’m not totally off with that impression. I can’t imagine being able to dress so beautifully every day.

Today has been a hard day. After a year of trying to bond with my two oldest, I’ve come to the realization that nothing I do can change their impressions, their feelings or their decisions about me. They are too old for me to have as much influence as I once had, and right now they are in a space of blaming me for all the wrong in their life, and for worshiping their dad who came to the rescue after having little involvement in their lives for several years. It is hard to watch them in their little family, feeling very good about their “new” and perfect mom, and their dad. But I am working to accept it. When they are ready, if it ever happens that they decide to forgive me, I am here for them. I love them and will never give up on them.

On top of that the divorce is tomorrow. Less than 24 hours. Yes, I’ve been through it before but it was mutual then and it was just me there. This time I don’t even know that he won’t show up. He may just be crazy enough to decide to. My counselor assures me that is unlikely, and even if he did, he’s filed nothing, done nothing to make a case, and on the other hand I have documentation on everything I want to say. But it has been a long stressful road to this point and I’ve got a lot of anxiety. I truly just want the best for Mark even though every one seems to think that is impossible.

Even the letter from Mark’s counselor was perfect. It said exactly what was needed. Jesse was surprised I guess. He gave me the letter at the beginning of Mark’s session, and said if I wanted to discuss anything, and he was sure I would, we could talk about it at the end. But it stated perfectly what I have always said. That Mark in particular needs stability and consistency. It is evidenced by his own stability in times when things were predictible in his life, and at other times when they weren’t and he suffered anxiety and stress. I just want things to be the best for Mark. Consistency is absolutely imperative.

When I told Jesse at the end of the session that the letter was perfect, and just what I wanted, he blinked. He’d been ready to tell me he couldn’t take my side. I told him I didn’t want anyone to take my side, I want them to stand up for Mark. I don’t want A out of Mark’s life. In an ideal world he would be healthy and wonderful and Mark would have two good parents to rely on. But unless he stays consistent and predictable, then it upsets Mark and is not good for him. Even though A sees it as me being controlling, that is borne out by the fact that now that he calls every Saturday at the same time, Mark has stablized remarkably from where he was just a month ago.

So anyway, divorce tomorrow, and letting go of the kids today. They have their own lives, and they’ve made it very clear they just don’t want me in them. I hope that it will change someday. Until then I will love them regardless of where they go and what they do. They are a part of me and always will be.

Yep, stress would be the definition…