Stressful day
Today has been a hard day. After a year of trying to bond with my two oldest, I’ve come to the realization that nothing I do can change their impressions, their feelings or their decisions about me. They are too old for me to have as much influence as I once had, and right now they are in a space of blaming me for all the wrong in their life, and for worshiping their dad who came to the rescue after having little involvement in their lives for several years. It is hard to watch them in their little family, feeling very good about their “new” and perfect mom, and their dad. But I am working to accept it. When they are ready, if it ever happens that they decide to forgive me, I am here for them. I love them and will never give up on them.
On top of that the divorce is tomorrow. Less than 24 hours. Yes, I’ve been through it before but it was mutual then and it was just me there. This time I don’t even know that he won’t show up. He may just be crazy enough to decide to. My counselor assures me that is unlikely, and even if he did, he’s filed nothing, done nothing to make a case, and on the other hand I have documentation on everything I want to say. But it has been a long stressful road to this point and I’ve got a lot of anxiety. I truly just want the best for Mark even though every one seems to think that is impossible.
Even the letter from Mark’s counselor was perfect. It said exactly what was needed. Jesse was surprised I guess. He gave me the letter at the beginning of Mark’s session, and said if I wanted to discuss anything, and he was sure I would, we could talk about it at the end. But it stated perfectly what I have always said. That Mark in particular needs stability and consistency. It is evidenced by his own stability in times when things were predictible in his life, and at other times when they weren’t and he suffered anxiety and stress. I just want things to be the best for Mark. Consistency is absolutely imperative.
When I told Jesse at the end of the session that the letter was perfect, and just what I wanted, he blinked. He’d been ready to tell me he couldn’t take my side. I told him I didn’t want anyone to take my side, I want them to stand up for Mark. I don’t want A out of Mark’s life. In an ideal world he would be healthy and wonderful and Mark would have two good parents to rely on. But unless he stays consistent and predictable, then it upsets Mark and is not good for him. Even though A sees it as me being controlling, that is borne out by the fact that now that he calls every Saturday at the same time, Mark has stablized remarkably from where he was just a month ago.
So anyway, divorce tomorrow, and letting go of the kids today. They have their own lives, and they’ve made it very clear they just don’t want me in them. I hope that it will change someday. Until then I will love them regardless of where they go and what they do. They are a part of me and always will be.
Yep, stress would be the definition…
