Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

We did many things to celebrate the Solstice this month, concluding tonight with a visit to the Denver Zoo Lights. It wasn’t as beautiful as the City Park lights but it is what we have and it had it’s own beauty and creativity. We also made and decorated cookies, and of course there are the presents and holiday eating. I’ve posted a sample below. Please go to the flicker site to see them full size (or at least web size). Hope you enjoy them as much as we enjoyed what we were doing while I took them.

Happy Solstice and New Year!

Since I wrote something so catty and bitter, I decided to have some fun. I don’t know who thinks up all these quiz things, but some of them are quite interesting. This one I found pretty close to how I see myself, and the pic is awesome!

What lies inside your soul (anime pics)

Your dark and maybe even lonely. You long for love, friendship and trust yet you sow no signs of wanting it. You could tell whether people are lying to you and hate it when they pose and act any thing but themselves. Dont let anyone change how you are.
Take this quiz!

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Earlier in the day I started a post about my annual New Year’s review, where I take stock of what I’ve done, both good and bad, changes I’ve made, and my own internal path and then decide where I want to change that path, pruning a bit here and there, maybe finding a challenging overgrown trail, back tracking where necessary if I’d tread on anyone along the way. I will still find the place and time to write that post, but I was interrupted.

I opened my email and in it is an email from my exhusband. Ex as of November 19th (blog entry) anyway. I open it to see that it has been written to everyone in his address book. This includes our 8 year old son, as well as old friends of mine with whom I talk once in a great while over IM, and other common aquaintances and friends, even including an address to post to a community (200+ members) message board. Thankfully, for my own sanity since I still live here in Denver and still see these people on a semi-regular basis, the email list is dead and it should have bounced. For that small thing I am very grateful.

The title “A New Year With New Hope” seemed fairly benign and with the ever present optimism I began to read his very long email. Instead of being a wish for a better year (which to be fair was actually present in a small paragraph at the end) it turned out to be a rant of the miseries in his life, of which there were a total of 2.

One was understandably, Hurricane Katrina, which has turned New Orleans upside down, and many people who’ve lived there all their lives, have returned to their city physically but are still trying to swallow the immensity of their loss. I can empathize with him there. I have read (and written) about the devastation of the Crescent City and some of the places I loved. And I only lived there for 13 years. It hurts bad enough to view from a far. I cannot even cop to empathy when it comes to the natives. It is a horror beyond horrors, and it didn’t stop just because the news coverage did. His writing about that tragedy is moving and sorrowful, and I understand his pain and suffering.

However, I was amazed to see his 2 paragraphs about his other tragedy. Me. The fact that I had with total malicious intent, through absolutely no actions of his own, ripped his 8 year old son from him. Quote 1:

“…This has been a year of learning that just because you have loved someone and trusted them that it doesn’t mean that they won’t do things to harm you just because they can”.

I got divorced. It sucks. But it hardly qualifies as hurting him just because I can. Of course, then I read further and started to understand what the “harm” actually referred to.

“…Along with those go the losing of parenting rights to my son because my ex-wife just happened to have the divorce happen at a time when I was hurricane victim and without funds to deal with defending my parenting rights. I should have qualified for legal aid to deal with the custody case. But because Colorado had already used up it’s legal aid allowance for the year that goes towards divorce and child custody cases, I didn’t even have that option. All I could do is sit back and allow whatever was going to happen to happen. My ex wife got everything she asked for because I was unable to legally respond to what she filed for.

Unbelieveable. I filed for divorce in June (way before the hurricane). The whole reason he got no parental rights was that he did nothing. He filed no responses, he did nothing to intervene. It was just obviously not important enough to research and do what he needed to do to participate in the decisions of parenting his own son. All of Colorado’s divorce forms are online. All directions (explicit) about what to file, how to file, where to file and when are included. There is a form for waiving the fee if you are too poor to pay (otherwise I could never have done it). And since he had called the clerk of court, and knew the date/time of the hearing he could even simply called in to participate without having filed anything.

Part of me wants to be very bitchy and say he did it just so he could blame me. Of course, that isn’t really it. He has always been, and continues to be, a victim. He has always had the inability to accept responsibility for his part in actions, and this is just one more way the world has unjustly acted upon him without him having any choice. In point of fact, the judge ruled that he was out of her jurisdiction. Since he had not filed anything, or attempted to be at the hearing by phone call, he essentially didn’t exist for the hearing. Therefore he got nothing.

…”I now have the means to prove my case, thanks to my ex-wife and her trying to dig up crap to use against me in our custody battle. I can and will redeem myself through the courts and get my parenting rights back for my son. In doing this I will not belittle myself by trying to take my son from my ex. I will simply get my rights to him back. I will be a part of his life and get the privilege to have him spend time with me.

Without being explicit this man has a case against him filed in Illinois for child molestation. He physically assaulted my then 14 year old son (not unprovoked but he also did not hold himself back like an adult should either). And he disappeared for weeks on end after leaving Denver not being employed gainfully and losing his apartment. These are just examples. There are more.

I resisted the urge to do a “reply all”. I resisted the urge to apologize to my some time friends through email, figuring they probably thought he was looney enough just from reading the email. And I was furious for it being directed to my 8 year old son’s email account. Thank God I help him with that and will delete it before seen.

Sorry for the rant. Sometimes you just gotta do it.

In spite of the picture posted in the last post, I am sorry to say that Sam, the ugliest dog (title champion of 3 years, not 2) did die this year at the age of almost 15 years. Considering that is 95 to you and I by some reckonings, I guess I should hope that I look as good at that age! Thanks to one of my readers for that catch!

Here is a link on Sam for more information. He was apparently a sweet dog, and he will be missed by his owner.

Yep this dog actually has won the title for the World’s Ugliest Dog 2 years in a row!

‘nuf said.

OK. I thought I wrote well. I thought my blog was entertaining, witty, political. Uggg. I have spent the last few days running through blogs and reading some really bad ones, and occasionally coming across some really good ones. I am doing this through BlogExplosion which lets you click through blogs and find ones of interest to you. Of course, I am not listed yet, because unfortunately I cannot figure out the cryptic message about their frames screwing up my page (or maybe they mean my page screwing up their frames). Anyway, it is fun to click through and read other’s really off the wall bents, or just interesting writing. Of course, it is a great delight, until I compare it to my, ahem, “what used to be some fairly good writing turned in to a stupid boring every day diary”.

So I have made my New Year’s resolution. Yep, 5 days early, but one I hope to keep. My goal will not be to write everyday in my blog. I will save those goofy everyday boring diary entries for my goofy everyday personal diary safely locked away on my computer where no one else has to suffer through it. Instead I will try to only write when I have something meaningful, and at least a 10th as witty as some of the real writers out there. Maybe someday blog explosion will even let me into the club. But probably not until I figure out the code…

Well it’s back to the grindstone for me. I’m tired. Didn’t sleep well at all last night. Thinking back I think it’s the coffee I drank last night with dessert. Bad idea. Bad girl. and now Grumpy girl…

Mark woke up in a fine mood as well. Got up and went straight for the Christmas candy Santa left. I looked at him and said I don’t think so. Breakfast first. Good food in first. He looked at me and told me then he’s not eating. Walking by, as if to snub me he said, “Not for a week!”. I told him that is how people starved to death.

So we’re not very busy at work, and I’m working on my physics homework. I know my head is fuzzy anyway but it feels like I’ve already forgotten everything I learned in the beginning of the semester, as in how to put a problem together, how to solve Newton’s equations… uggg. I do at least remember what the normal force is. Anyway, I was counting on picking up from where I stopped, but it would appear that I need to do some review of the basics first. Glad I’ve got 3 weeks.

On a good note, I checked my final grade. I got an A in cosmology. Not that I thought it would be anything else since I had an A going into the final. I do hate not seeing the final to know what I got right and what I didn’t. Guess I will ask Grant for that next semester. So now my GPA is 3.92. Certainly hope I can keep that next semester with calculus, physics II, and chemistry…

Makes me nervous just talking about it.

Well it’s Christmas morning, and Santa’s come and gone. The house is quiet except for Mark singing while he empties the dishwasher. I’ve made the fruit slush, and all I have left to do now is the dishes, a shower and the butterscotch rolls. It is strange in some ways not having the kids wake up here. But my hope for the future is that they will again come home to be here for on overnight on Christmas eve.

Santa was extra good for Mark. I haven’t heard once from him or Spence, gee I really wanted this or that. I think in spite of the fact that it was such a small amount of presents we picked things they really wanted, and so they felt happy. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about simplifying the holidays, and given what this year was like, I think that I will continue to work on more quality time and less junk. Of course, I would have really liked to get something for Katie and Aaron. But knowing their dad was doing a lot for them, and without the money I just couldn’t. The words Katie said to me about never spending money you don’t have if you owe someone have rung in my ears each time I’ve thought about it. The fact is, the rent and our food had to come first. The presents that were bought were mostly by angels who adopted our family, and I didn’t spend money I didn’t have this year. I didn’t bounce any checks. I made sure that I paid the things I could. I am certain she wasn’t thinking that it would mean I wouldn’t buy her a Christmas present, but she was right. And I have had so much less anxiety this year.

Part of me also feels that I want most to give the older kids not THINGS which they have so much of anyway; their lives are filled with objects. Cell phones, new clothes, jewelry, cds, anything and everything they could possibly want. And Laura has made sure that the pile of stuff has grown tenfold this year. No, because I see them so little, I instead would like to give them the gift of time. It is a gift they have to accept if I am to share it. But it is my gift to them. I would like to be able to have more time with each of them.

It’s very hard to believe the year is almost over. Here we are at another Christmas. How much has changed in this year. Last year I was thankful and delighted to have Stephen and Laura here. This year, I don’t know how I feel about it. I thought it very interesting that Spence worked for Laura for Christmas present money, then she shopped for the gifts he said he wanted to give. She bought everything, except mine. When Spence asked her to buy it she said she was out of money. That to me is a symbol of change. And not surprising. Just sad.

Last year, I was at their home and we celebrated together. This year things are much more divisive. Probably what people would consider normal. I guess what makes me sad, is it is not because of their Dad and I. It is her. Not that she’s a bad person. We just don’t share the same opinions about much. For example, when she and the kids fight and they talk about it with me, I try to give them an ear as well as input on what Laura might be thinking. I’ve also gone back to Laura with the information. I’ve acted as a sort of mediator to make things better in their home. It has helped them to resolve issues that were painful and hard. I don’t get that from her. From what I understand, when problems happen between me and the children, it is her opinion that it is all my fault, (most likely due to my bipolar) and that I’m crazy. I won’t stop what I am doing, that would be bad for my children. But it doesn’t make me feel very good about her as their step mom. And it certainly explains Katie and Aaron’s continuing mixed feelings and opinions. Instead of us working to heal, she stands like a thorn constantly reminding them of the past. How sad.

But they are all coming over in an hour, expecting fruit slushees and butterscotch rolls. I need to get things done. Last night in making a wish when Mark asked what I wanted from Santa, I said world peace, but I would certainly start with love and cooperation between Laura and I instead.

Peace, joy and love be yours this Christmas.

Well it’s just another day here at the crazy house. Since we opened presents on Solstice, things are calmer and there is not the whole big anxiety thing going on for us anymore which is really cool.

Of course Santa will come on Sunday (Christmas) morning, but things are all set for that and I’m just looking forward to the plans we have.

I got a really nice surprise last night. My oldest son Aaron called to say he wanted to come over and spend his break from work at our house. He works at a magic shop in the mall which is right by our house, and so it’s easy for him. He came mostly because he wanted to help his little 8 year old brother with the magic kit he’d got for me to give him. But he hung out and talked. I tried to feed him, but the chicken we got at the store was all dry and gross, so none of us really ate dinner. But then he said he’d come back and hang out after work. I really can’t figure him out. On nights he is supposed to come over, he doesn’t want to, but then he does things like give me the present to give Mark, and just drop by. While I was here we were talking about going to Melissa’s house for Christmas and I said something about him not wanting to go, and he told me he’d never been invited. It kind of made me mad because Laura had just told me that Katie and Aaron didn’t want to go. So I invited him and he’s going with us too. He may not stay a long time but it’s really cool that he is going. I called and invited Katie too, but I doubt she’ll go. If she goes anywhere on Christmas afternoon after my house I’m betting it will be with Jordan. That was what I always did, hung out with my boyfriend. Even if we went to his creepy Grandparents’ house, it was better than being with my parents.

Last night was the big decorating cookie night too. I had a lot of fun. Melissa is so into everything being perfect and she mixed all the frostings up and was making these really really perfect little Santa Claus faces and stars. But the frosting was so stiff it was really hard to use to frost. So I asked her if she would mind if I thinned one of the colors up. So I did and she looked at it with this really disgusted look. So then I started using it, and like dipping cookies in it (so they looked like the pretty shiny ones in the stores), and she kind of grudgingly said that I could thin up the others if I wanted. She kind of complained at first that she couldn’t “frost” them. Then she saw me having fun, and doing more sort of “artsy” stuff with the cookies. And she started. By the end we really had fun. She had loosened up so much, it looked like we had been doing massive amounts of painting in the kitchen, and our cookies were beautiful. They all sort of look like modern art cookies. At the end I splashed some frosting on her and she painted my face with it. It was the most fun I’ve ever had making cookies. The absolute best part was working with Mel to get her to loosen up and let her artistic side come out. She was so happy at the end. She’d even lost her migraine headache somewhere along way!

Towards the end Aaron had come back from work and he immediately sat down to work on “cutting decks”. It has to do with his job at the magic shop and is quite an affair, with lots of fancy equipment (a modified paper cutter and some other stuff). We finished cleaning the kitchen and collapsed to watch The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with Jim Carrey. It was very late by the time the movie was over and by then Aaron had finished, sat down on the couch next to me and promptly passed out on my shoulder.

Great day. Yup.

Today is the longest night of the year. At the end of the night, the glorious sun will be born again and we will start our way back into a world of longer days and more light. This is a holiday season all around the world, with everyone having different traditions, different beliefs and different ways of expressing them.

We will celebrate both tonight and Christmas. Tonight is for us since we follow Wiccan ways. I would like to be able to greet the sun, but unfortunately, I work tomorrow at 7 am, and so need my sleep. But we will be having a lovely dinner, and will come home and open our gifts to each other. Christmas will be special as well, because Santa comes, and I will have my 2 oldest here with me, and because we’ve been invited to spend time with Melissa’s family and will join them for dinner and games afterwards.

In spite of the madness of many this month, I have held onto my sanity, and managed to pay our bills. Thanks to people who love us and know our struggles this year, we were adopted and the boys have wonderful presents. And for the first year in many this lengthening of nights has not wrecked havoc on our family. While we still may struggle for some sanity at times, we are all doing well and for the first time feeling happiness and joy instead of anxiety and dread.

Welcome Sun!

Well, at least I don’t feel off track at school. I lean too close to philosophical views in science for my professors sometimes so in some ways I would say that fits pretty well. Of course, after only 8 questions, and the completely general answer, it would be hard to miss…

You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy)

You’re a great thinker and a true philosopher. You’d make a talented professor or writer.

I have never lost someone close to me due to violence. I do not know what it is like to feel the pain of having someone kidnapped or murdered (or both) whether as an accident, or intentionally. So perhaps, I should stay out of the debate as I cannot put myself truly in the shoes of a family facing that kind of grief. Much like the abortion debate where I feel that it is wrong to put ourselves into the decision making process of a woman who must consider all options, perhaps I should stay out of the whole argument.

Yet I read an interesting article the other day. Again from SFGate - they have some very thought provoking commentary. Check it out. It is the article describing the last moments of a notorious killer, one of the original Crips gang members. However, somewhere along the line, he became an activist for peace. The man had admittedly done terrible evil. Yet, he evolved, he learned, he did good works. In the scales do they balance? I think for me that is an issue that I don’t feel competent to judge, and as a whole I don’t feel that as a human being we have the right to decide when it is “right” to execute someone. Surely all who have any kind of spiritual belief in an afterlife have some sort of belief of punishment or chastisement after death, be it hell or karmic justice. Who are we then to play god? The killing of one human being to satisfy the vengence of his crimes against us is still killing.

That is why they make the ones who do the execution unable to know exactly which one caused the actual death. Cuz who could live with guilt like that? In truth, I think it is the same for all people who’ve commited such heinous crimes. They already live in their own hell.

What good comes of killing them? It doesn’t bring back the life of the person originally hurt. And it satisfys one of the baser needs of humans. I for one, would like to believe that I would never act on those feelings. I don’t say I would not feel them. I am certain that I would hate someone who hurt someone I love. I think however, that I have the rational understanding that taking their life does nothing to change mine. It just makes me guilty of doing the same thing, causing grief and horror upon yet another family who loved that person regardless of their wrong doings. It also eliminates any chance that person might have had to change, to grow, to good work in the world.

“That seemed in line with someone who co-founded the notorious Crips street gang decades ago in defiance of law-abiding society, and then converted so strongly to the cause of peace that he renounced the gang life and campaigned for peace from behind the prison walls. From youth to death, Williams was always trying to set his own terms, to stick to what he perceived as his own sense of dignity. “

And of those who are unrepentent. Well I see two categories there. Our justice system makes tremendous mistakes in spite of the care taken. But we are HUMAN. We cannot take ourselves, our prejudices, our life experiences, out of the equation. It is impossible to be completely neutral. Yes we may try the best we can, but it just isn’t going to happen. So is it worth killing innocents for crimes they never committed to kill others for their crimes? What of the real criminals still out there? The second problem is that in understanding healthy human psychology, murderers, terrible criminals, are not inhuman. They commit inhumane actions due to their own perceptions, experiences etc. They have something wrong, something broken inside them. So instead of trying to help them get well, (which admittedly may be impossible) we put them to death. At the very least, if they are unrecoverably insane, they should be locked away safe from themselves and others, just as we take care (or don’t most of the time) the mentally ill.

From my unique perspective, I feel that killing to kill is wrong. We teach our children it is wrong to hit another for hitting us. We work as a society to base ourselves in rationality and try to work things out as compassionate human beings. Most who don’t end up isolated. Yet we feel completely justified in pulling the plug on lives that may or may not have some impact on the fate of humanity. Perhaps this is the impact. That we will finally wake up and realize that killing to assuage a crime does nothing. It’s proven to have no deterrence, it’s proven to not really help emotion healing of victims, and all it does is make a few people feel good about having administered the final solution… Hmmm heard THAT phrase somewhere else.

Maybe instead of putting all the money into the justice system to try, convict and kill these people, we could start working on problems where the disadvantaged kids who have no other options than gang/street life, growing up in that atmosphere from birth, having to pick between dying and joining a gang, perhaps we could start making things better. Trying harder. Easing their lives. Showing them there is a better way. Stop closing our eyes to the cause and the beginning and just punishing at the end. Just doesn’t seem right.

I’m probably not totally coherent today. Caught my son’s cold crud… ugg. Anyway. Just my 2 pennies.

Last night we had two holiday things to go to. One was a potluck for Campfire. It was fun to do a meal together, but I feel like the end part was a little disorganized and so most of the kids ran wild (there was some holiday singing but very few engaged in that in spite of leaders efforts to get them to) and adults cleaned and put things away. I think there could be more cohesiveness, maybe some activity, or something that would get the kids in the spirit of things (and maybe work towards service)… I don’t know. I feel like I’m criticizing, but I would like to find a way of giving good feedback as a parent to help CF. It seems to be struggling more and more as the leaders chasm more and more. It is such a good idea, I’d hate to see it flounder on the rocks.

After that, Melissa and I went to the women’s church Christmas party. I didn’t necessarily know what to expect. I guess I thought it would be bigger for one. There were only about 30 there. We have a much larger group of women (given almost 500 members). Pris had invited me, and it seemed to be that it was mostly the women’s group that meets regularly that tends to be a group of ladies of the generation older than me. I didn’t really know more than 2-3 and so it was a little uncomfortable. I was glad Mel was there. However, there was a gift exchange, where you brought a gift. And that livened things up considerably. A game was played. Each person picked a number, one for each person/gift. You went in order. After person #1, you were allowed to either pick a new present or steal someone else’s. Each item could only be stolen 3 times and was frozen at that point. It made for quite a fun time. Mark was with us because the two events were right on top of each other, and so he was there. And he actually was quite polite, and had a lot of fun, and many of the ladies made quite a big deal over him… and he just HATED the attention (NOT). Anyway, mine got stolen a few times. However, in the very end, Liz Bean, with whom I’ve talked some before, knew that I really did not like the very decorated purse I’d been given, and that I really wanted the book that I had unwrapped before and took my purse so I could steal the book. I’m sure she would rather have had the book herself, she was very interested in it. I have decided to take very good care of it, and give it to her once I’ve finished reading it. It was a lovely thing to do.

Mel almost had a heart attack towards the end. She went second to last, and having had her eyes on them since the beginning, stole some lovely door hanging Christmas bells that will go perfectly with her house decorations. The rule is that something can only be stolen 3 times. Hers was the second, and as things got rapidly stolen at the end, each time someone came to look at her bells, she wanted to hide them under her chair. No one took them, and in the end she was able to keep them. I was delighted when Pris got the present I had bought, and it was one she wanted since she stole it from someone else. The nice thing about the game was that I got to know a little about he personality of each woman. And now in church I will feel good about greeting them and getting to know them better.

Of course, at both occasions, the CF potluck and the women’s party, once it was asked if Melissa was my daughter. It happens a lot in new situations. But we’re used to it. It is certainly highly possible since she is so much younger than me, and I don’t know if it means I’m immature, or she’s just very mature, but I suspect it is in the middle. In some ways I do many more things that people think of people her age doing, and she is more conservative and does things the way it would be thought I should. All I know is that she is one of the best friends I have ever had and I loved that she was there. She has become family to all of us, and all of us really love her.

Last night I didn’t sleep well. I had what seemed to be this long and drawn out dream that Pris died. It was so real and so horrendous that I am left with the hangover of it today. I want to be able to just call and connect and make sure she is ok. I keep feeling in the back of my head that something is wrong, there was a reason that I had that dream, it is not because I have realized the depth of the love both Mark and I feel towards her, and that makes me fearful of losing it. That is of course a deep seated and very real fear. But I would like to just put it to rest. Of course, even if I did talk to her today the dream could be fore tomorrow, next week or even in a year. It was disburbing to say the least. And I just can’t shake the feeling.

I made it a goal to read more books this holiday season. Stories for Mark and stories for me. I just finished The Christmas Tree by Julie Salmon and it is one of the most lovely books I’ve ever read. It is the story of the man who picks the tree for the square in New York, and a special journey he took finding one particular tree. It is a short read, and a memorable and wonderful story. I recommend it highly.

Today finished shopping, stopped by the Magic Shop and saw Aaron. In his glory, manning the store by himself, he was doing magic and entertaining kids, and generally doing a really good job. I think he was surprised to see me. As I was standing there, he wrapped up and handed me a box of the Marvin’s Magic kit. When I asked was it from him to Mark he said no, it was for me to give him. I was really touched. In spite of all that has happened, I find that the season will yet be a beautiful one. The boys will have lovely gifts, things they want. I would have loved to have bought more for everyone, but that is just how things go.

I also read the Hundred Dollar Holiday and while it was Christian based as well as messing up some facts about Christmas trees, but their origins and their modern American introductions, it was a good book as well. It talked about the consumerism that we are all trained to have all our lives but this season of get get get. How the meaning of family, spending time together and doing things, or a phrase becoming ever more popular “the gift of time” and how it can be much more enriching than the piles of “stuff” sitting under the tree. The author is right, we certainly do have too much stuff, not enough of what fills us. Love, companionship, friends, laughter. I’ve started this year, and probably could have done better, but I think I will be aiming more and more towards that going along. I want to start to remember things about what we did together and how we love each other rather than rushing around buying, wrapping and see all of it disappear into a pile of papers in 10 minutes. I want to make cookies (like we started to today and then got so tired we just couldn’t make ourselves roll and cut them - but they are there for Tuesday night).

I’ve sent Holiday cards, am attending a party for the women at the church tomorrow night, and am trying to just relax. So I watch the tree, and play with Mark, and we all try to be thankful.