My Christmas Wish
Well it’s Christmas morning, and Santa’s come and gone. The house is quiet except for Mark singing while he empties the dishwasher. I’ve made the fruit slush, and all I have left to do now is the dishes, a shower and the butterscotch rolls. It is strange in some ways not having the kids wake up here. But my hope for the future is that they will again come home to be here for on overnight on Christmas eve.
Santa was extra good for Mark. I haven’t heard once from him or Spence, gee I really wanted this or that. I think in spite of the fact that it was such a small amount of presents we picked things they really wanted, and so they felt happy. I’ve been doing a lot of reading about simplifying the holidays, and given what this year was like, I think that I will continue to work on more quality time and less junk. Of course, I would have really liked to get something for Katie and Aaron. But knowing their dad was doing a lot for them, and without the money I just couldn’t. The words Katie said to me about never spending money you don’t have if you owe someone have rung in my ears each time I’ve thought about it. The fact is, the rent and our food had to come first. The presents that were bought were mostly by angels who adopted our family, and I didn’t spend money I didn’t have this year. I didn’t bounce any checks. I made sure that I paid the things I could. I am certain she wasn’t thinking that it would mean I wouldn’t buy her a Christmas present, but she was right. And I have had so much less anxiety this year.
Part of me also feels that I want most to give the older kids not THINGS which they have so much of anyway; their lives are filled with objects. Cell phones, new clothes, jewelry, cds, anything and everything they could possibly want. And Laura has made sure that the pile of stuff has grown tenfold this year. No, because I see them so little, I instead would like to give them the gift of time. It is a gift they have to accept if I am to share it. But it is my gift to them. I would like to be able to have more time with each of them.
It’s very hard to believe the year is almost over. Here we are at another Christmas. How much has changed in this year. Last year I was thankful and delighted to have Stephen and Laura here. This year, I don’t know how I feel about it. I thought it very interesting that Spence worked for Laura for Christmas present money, then she shopped for the gifts he said he wanted to give. She bought everything, except mine. When Spence asked her to buy it she said she was out of money. That to me is a symbol of change. And not surprising. Just sad.
Last year, I was at their home and we celebrated together. This year things are much more divisive. Probably what people would consider normal. I guess what makes me sad, is it is not because of their Dad and I. It is her. Not that she’s a bad person. We just don’t share the same opinions about much. For example, when she and the kids fight and they talk about it with me, I try to give them an ear as well as input on what Laura might be thinking. I’ve also gone back to Laura with the information. I’ve acted as a sort of mediator to make things better in their home. It has helped them to resolve issues that were painful and hard. I don’t get that from her. From what I understand, when problems happen between me and the children, it is her opinion that it is all my fault, (most likely due to my bipolar) and that I’m crazy. I won’t stop what I am doing, that would be bad for my children. But it doesn’t make me feel very good about her as their step mom. And it certainly explains Katie and Aaron’s continuing mixed feelings and opinions. Instead of us working to heal, she stands like a thorn constantly reminding them of the past. How sad.
But they are all coming over in an hour, expecting fruit slushees and butterscotch rolls. I need to get things done. Last night in making a wish when Mark asked what I wanted from Santa, I said world peace, but I would certainly start with love and cooperation between Laura and I instead.
Peace, joy and love be yours this Christmas.
