Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

I have been browsing blogs on the bipolar webring (please visit the sites on it - they are great - see the little tags on the side bar there - down a ways) and I found tremendous comfort in some of the writings and people I found in the blogging community. I am not a big one for support groups. A long time ago for a while I got into ACOA which seemed to be comforting at the time, but since then, I usually just find the groups that meet in person to be bitchy.

My therapist and I talked about that today. Mostly because of the worsening symptoms in my son that I wrote about the other day. She asked if I had any support and basically I don’t. I don’t have a partner, and even when his Dad was in his life, he spent more time denying that M had an illness than being supportive and helpful. Actually I should revise that to he spent ALL his time denying and no time supporting…

But I just don’t like walking into groups - they make me uncomfortable. When I attended a couple of local NAMI meetings it was women all complaining about their kids, their kids’ doctors, etc etc. That wasn’t support…

But this online community that I’ve begun to explore - well it’s reassuring and comforting. Yes, it is completely anonymous and therefore safe, and I don’t have to push myself out of my comfort zone (those are all bad things for someone who could spend her entire life hiding behind a keyboard) but at the same time it is really nice to know that there are others out there - with the same feelings, questions, anger - you name it.

Today mostly what I keyed into in writings was stigma. The attachment of mental illness to character defect. It has always made me mad, but I read a lot about it today and I just got madder. I found this quote on “Take a Stand for Mental Illness” and it really fit for me - both for myself and as the woman is talking about - for her (my) child(ren).

To be mentally ill is to have no secrets, no hidden self, no self separate and private from the eyes of others. It is to be constantly under glass, every move scrutinized and studied and evaluated. How many of us could stand up to such scrutiny? I feel guilty and remorsefully for having put my son in this place where one’s very soul is dissected and written about.

That is so true. To admit mental illness - suddenly every action you take, every word you say, everything about you is on trial. “Is she gonna go mental? Is this going to push her over the edge? Shhhh… mustn’t upset her, becarefulshemightgocrazyanddosomethingbadandohgodisshegoingtokillherself….”

Someone stop and let me off this bandwagon. I’m done. Only I can’t be. Not ever.

Sometimes life sucks.

Yep, I’m on day 2 of what could be considered the carb detox. Carbs really are an additction for me. And no my diet isn’t a New Year’s resolution. I don’t make them. It’s stupid to think that one day a year we can make decisions for change; pile up all the good intentions; stack ourselves with “to-dos” and not fail. No, this was a decision made before Thanksgiving, knowing that I could only start after the Holidays cuz I just love those cookies, cakes, candy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, (need I go on?).

I did the South Beach diet about 2 years ago and lost 30 lbs. It is an excellent diet. In the time since I stopped and gradually went back to eating all the junk I want, I only gained back about 7 pounds instead of what they call the rebound. This without doing much exercise, etc. My original goal was 50-55 so now I’m back to the diet to lose the rest. AND IT SUCKS. The first 10 days you are not allowed any carbs or sweets. At all. The first phase of the diet is a lot like atkins. And I have a real problem with that. I love fruit, bread, pasta, the occasional chocolate, the list is endless. Not to mention we have all this stuff around because we just finished the holidays. It taunts me. These things sit there in their bright wrappers and speak to me. “Oh yes, just eat one, it can’t hurt”. But it can, cuz likely one will lead to another, and another, and there goes the diet out the f*ing window. Besides that the whole reason you go through this phase is that you are getting rid of all the cravings.

When the body gets regular doses of all this crap it starts to go into an insulin yoyo mode. You eat, you spike blood sugar, you crash, you crave. The whole point of the phase 1 is to get off that roller coaster and then the cravings stop. Yes, I know it. I’ve lived it. It worked. I went 9 whole months happily (once I got through this freaking part) and lived without a single craving. Once into phase 2 where you do the weight loss it was more a matter of just eating healthily, how are bodies intended.

But tell that to my crazed mind, dying for something, anything… a piece of bread, a bagel, anything!!! The worst part is breakfast cuz I have to eat all this stuff I never normally eat. Eggs are a big thing. I don’t do eggs much. I went through a phase when I found poached eggs to be fascinating… of course I ate them with toast WHICH I CAN’T HAVE, so that pretty much screws that. So breakfast sucks. Thus why I’m bitching in the morning because I can’t really eat. It’ll pass I keep telling myself. This too will pass. It’s only 14 days (well 12 breakfasts now).

Ugggg… Don’t talk to me today. I’m comparable to me with the worst PMS imaginable. I just keep seeing myself down to my 125/130 lb range for my height and knowing in the end it will be worth it. Even if that bag of potato chips keeps talking to me. Good thing I’m used to the voices in my head. At least I know when they aren’t real….