Loneliness in the midst of crowds
I’m lonely. Today as I spent the day in stores, I stood in line next to a attractive man who was around the same age as me. Mark invaded his space as the man slid his card through the card reader to pay for his items. You know the personal bubble of space that gives you elbow room and some modicum of privacy while entering your ATM pin. As adults we seem to instinctively know not to invade that bubble but for children there is no bubble for others. They have their own of course which is easy to sense and violation of it is one of the worst crimes there is. For instance, making a child kiss Great Uncle Ed, when the child really doesn’t want to. But that is a topic for another rant.
However, today as Mark brushed up against the man, I apologized and commented that he wasn’t yet aware of our boundaries. As the man turned and smiled at me, he commented that few people today really did seem to have that awareness. Then as he finished paying and collected his bags, he turned to me and with a very genuine smile, say that he hoped I had a good day. As he walked away I thought that there went a man I might have liked to have known. I am in a large city, crowded with people. Every time I go out I brush up against and am surrounded with people everywhere. Normally this is not a pleasant thing for me. I don’t like crowds, I don’t like rude and/or mean people and I really don’t enjoy being ignored like a fence post. But today I got this feeling about knowing there is probably someone out there somewhere. Some one who matches me. Some one who has multipersonalities to match mine, who loves to dance all night at a goth club, who likes to dress up in black, who speaks his mind, likes card games and motorcycles and the same kind of movies and ice cream I do. Someone who can talk about string theory, and philosophy, and believes that we are here to live, learn and love. And with every person around me, who’s to say like in those silly sappy romantic movies that the man in Target who just walked out the door as I paid my bill wasn’t him? I do believe in soul mates. I don’t necessarily believe that we just have one. But I do believe that we have souls connected to others that journey together through a string of lives learning and living together. I believe my children and friends are that way, and most likely my exhusbands, and others in my life that I might not choose this life time to be around any longer. We’re connected. And even if I don’t meet him, somewhere, there is a man who matches me, with whom I can be more than whole. I hope that we don’t just meet in a grocery store and see each other walk away.
