Life sucks today
Today was a down day. Weirdly enough it felt like I was on a roller coaster ride, and I did the whole rapid cycling thing. It was the first time for me that I REALLY noticed at the time, rather than looking back and going “oh yea, so that was what was going on”. So much happened today that I feel drained and depressed.
As you can guess school is a big thing for me. It was both an easy (sort of a coin flip really) and hard (good god will I ever be able to do this or will I quit it and not finish just like everything else) sort of thing to go back to school. I’ve been talking about the craziness of trying to get the classes I need, and just when I thought I had everything in the bag, everything set, again today things rocked my world. I don’t do well with schedule changes and uncertainty. Life sucks right now. And that whole unsure feeling leads to worse feelings of depression, and questioning of the whole direction of my life, and that whole downward spiral thing.
First off, I went to see my physics advisor/professor about my gen physics class. I was on the waitlist. Every one says that people drop out like flies and not to worry about it. Well people didn’t drop like flies. The class was still full, and Monday was the last day to drop with full $$ credit. A pretty big deadline. Still didn’t make it off the wait list. There is just 2 of us hanging on there. Was still waitlisted this am, so went to see Dr. Sahami to see if he could make magic happen. Turns out if the class is full it’s full and there isn’t one thing he can do about it. So as of tonight, the waitlist was dropped, and as of Monday, (the last day to add classes at all) if there is no room I don’t get it. And of course, there’s always the uncertainty that if a spot does open up I won’t get there fast enough to be added ( a sort of race over which I really have no control at all). What does all this mean. Well I started out looking at my options and here they were:
Go with the original plan of skipping Physics I (technically I have the credit - but from 20 years ago) and going straight into physics II.
Going into the Saturday class for Physics I (which incidentally only has 1 spot left as well so if I don’t decide that one fast enough I may be screwed there as well).
Going into the T/Th class at 7-fucking-oh-clock (who makes these schedules up anyway?) in the am - which means I’d be late every day cause I can drop Mark off at before care, earliest at 6:30, AND it screws up his schedule AND I’d have to pay for before school care as well as after…
Which leaves me with option 4 which sucks rocks which is to not take physics at all this semester, and either find some stupid filler class which will have absolutely no meaning for my requirements (and thus a waste of money) or take nothing and stay at 7 hours, lose the insurance and again waste money since I’ve taken out the whole semester’s loan but will only be part time, and there is a limited amount of money at the end… Which could possibly mean I run out of money to take classes and never finish.
So for option #1, I tried to go sit in on his Physics II class (plenty of room in there - funny you’d think it’d be reversed seeing as how most people would do physics I in the fall and physics II in the spring and there is no difference in the # of classes - but just my fucking luck striking again I guess. Anyway, sat in on the class and oh boy - I’d never make it. I figured if I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about in the least in the 3rd class (still a bit of review and easier concepts) then I would be screwed trying to figure out the whole rest of the semester. That’s not being entirely fair to myself. Conceptually I totally understood - but it was the calculations that killed me. His equations were way past me… I was lost - a lot like I felt in Physics I at times last semester. I walked out of that stupid class (this is the cascading downward cycle part) feeling totally useless and stupid. I usually consider myself pretty intelligent. But I started questioning my 1) intelligence when people all around me seemed to be totally getting it and 2) my ability to get through more advanced classes if I couldn’t even just get (without much work) the basics and 3) what the hell was I trying to do anyway - it’s such a fucking hardship, I work way too hard being a single mom, trying to get as many hours and all the work I can, and then going to school fulltime - and what if I made the wrong choice what if I fail? and finally 4) is it really my dream to do this or am i totally fucked up?
Then I walked into Calculus. We’re still in algebra/trig review. I’m already questioning my decision to skip trig entirely seeing as how it’s totally used in physics, and half of calc, and even though i kind of get along, i seem to take longer to get things because instead of them being automatic, i have to think them through, but then she gives us this problem where we’re given 3 equations and 4 variables and told to solve for one of them as a function of another. To do it we had to add an equation and afterwards I could see the logic but I walked out feeling even more stupid then before. Thus the downward spiral continues.
I hate not knowing what class I’ll end up in, I hate not knowing if I’ll be skipping physics completely this spring, I hate feeling stupid and questioning my choices and living on the edge financially. I hate all of this.
So after physics I and finding out I may well not get into the class, and before sitting through physics II I felt the adrenline ruch of the mania, the absolute physical and mental reactions - speaking quickly, mind racing, shaking physically. At the same time I was so down about not getting in, and how that is such a big possibility. I don’t know if it’s better to live in ignorance or be aware of how this stupid illness affects me. I guess it still feels new to have the awareness even after 2 years. And I also guess I just need to let go and stop controlling. If I don’t get to do the 2 possible physics classes (Dr. Sahami’s which is what I want, or the Saturday one which I can stand) then I’ll just have to take physics in the summer and catch up. That way I’ll at least be able to have calculus before hand. The trick is relaxing and letting go.
Life sucks right now.
