Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

It never ceases to amaze me how you think you’re ticking along and then 10 things whack you upside the head and say “HEY YOU, WAKE UP!”. Not that I’d been feeling asleep mind you. I’d actually been feeling pretty good about everything. Doing well in classes, doing well at work… But now I’ve been sluggish and it’s harder to motivate myself to study in spite of really good feedback from my instructors.

Two weeks ago my daughter set off a bomb in her Dad’s and my households. She wants to join the army. Some recruiter got a hold of her, painted stars in her eyes, played on the fact that she is just now realizing she really wants to make something of herself, and preying on her feelings of having fucked up High School, and talking her into joining up, NOW… Uggg

1) My daughter is 5′4″ and weighs 100 lbs soaking wet.
2) Her parents are very close to peace activists if any of us had time. I remember watching the start of the bombing in the first Gulf War with my ex. Katie was playing in the background somewhere at about age 4ish, and we both cried for hours watching those horrific flickers of light in the dark meaning people were being blown to bits.
3) We’re in a freakin WAR!

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks going through I guess could best be described as the grief process, and truly it was not the grief of my daughter’s choice, or my fear of her death (those are present believe me), but more the grief of losing my baby. She isn’t a baby any more. She’s a grown woman. She will turn 19 in exactly 1 week. At 19 I was able to drink, and was given a 5th of Jack to celebrate, which we got smashed with.

By age 19, I had been kicked out of/left my step parent’s home and moved in with probably the absolute worst young 20something guy in the town, without him really asking (I had no where else to go, and he was the reason for being kicked out). He had a job, but his entire life consisted of partying and oh, did I say partying? He was also always in trouble of one kind or another. One night he put his car in the ditch while drunk (I’m still amazed that no one in my town died - we all drank and drove) and when I tried to get him up he swung at me. My brother rescued me from that and I lived most of the summer in San Diego with him and his wife. That summer I grew up. I learned about white wine and Mexican beaches, and traveling around the city on my own. I took a dance class with some of the Solid Gold Dancers which was a HUGE deal. All when I was 18.

So now my daughter, my wonderful precious baby girl with chubby cheeks is turning 19. I remember one night sitting in her room when she was falling asleep. It was one of those magic moments when time seems to stop. She was not yet 2. There were pictures on her wall, one in particular a beautiful shot captured her in a way that her eyes shone and her smile was very precious. In a few short moments I watched that photograph go from her age then to her age now. I saw her face in all its beauty through the next 17 years, and knew then how short and precious my time would be with her. Not that that changed anything in the years to come, but I unlocked the secret of motherhood. The time is way too short to have all the moments you want to have.

And now she’s going to join the military. We’ve (thankfully) convinced her away from the army, and it looks like she will probably go either navy or air force (she still has to talk to that recruiter). We’ve had talks about what it’s like to be put into a situation where she could be required to kill another human being.

In the last two weeks my soul has taken a long hard journey. It’s gone from seeing my daughter as small and young and not ready to leave the nest to seeing a young woman I’m proud of and honored to call my daughter. I do not agree with her choice, but it is not my choice to make. She truly has stepped out on her own path now, and ours truly diverge. That is not to say that they aren’t connected - I think the web has us intricately tied, maybe moreso than ever before. But her path, her obstacles, her forks - they are all hers and hers alone. And this step down the military path will return her to me as an adult.

So my journey of the last 2 weeks, cleverly disguised as one of being outraged and horrified by her joining the military has really been one of acceptance of the loss of my baby girl, and of welcoming the adult who she has become.

Well this picked me up tonight. I’d like to think it’s true - it’s certainly how I’d like to believe I am.

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don’t get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

Well, so I’m closer to my last posting than the weeks I went without writing at all, and as usual tons has happened, and lots has been spinning in my head, but there’s been no time to write. So this is likely to be more of a report, then any deep discussion. Which I hate, because I’d much rather be waxing philosophical or poetic or meaningful than blah day-to-day stuff like I resolved not to write. But some of it borders on that so too bad.

First, I’ve had my first tests in Physics and Calc. Neither made me extremely nervous like I was my first semester ( a good thing) and both of them I did reasonably well. The calc was first, and I got an 85. Going through and adding up the points missed for really really stupid mistakes (switching signs, simple addition, etc) I should have had a 96. Guess that means I get the material up to then. Just wish I was better at checking for errors. I always go through 2x but obviously I just see the original not the mistake.

My physics test came back yesterday. I studied without cramming and had done the homework and had a firm grasp on the concepts. Before he gave them back he posted the key, so I thought I had a pretty good idea. He handed them out at the end of class, and before hand went over the class statistics. They were bad. I mean REALLY bad. The class average was in the 50’s. There was 1 95 (there always is one), a few 80’s and then the rest were lower. The more he talked the more I thought I’d done worse than I thought. It was really a bummer. Then he handed them out and I’d gotten an 87!!! Yeah! High B. And he said that you usually get better on each test. So things school wise have gone well. I’m doing the homework, keeping up with things, and loving every minute. Plus I understand stuff so much better. I don’t know if it’s less stress outside school, having gone through the material more than once, or what but I get it. I really get it this time.

Of course, I’ve worked out my needed class schedule for the next 2 years. It’s a killer. And I don’t mean the usual definition. It starts with having to take physics II, physics II lab and calc II over the SUMMER! The worst time for hard classes, and providing for no break, and not allowing me to put in extra hours at work to “save up”. Uggg. On top of that in the fall semester there is a set of classes that are supposed to be taken sequentially (modern and a lab) that I need to take together to make everything work. The reason being is I have a deadline for the amount of money I can use, and there are several classes only offered in the spring. So I have to do it this way or it won’t work. So I’m going to have to ask for permission from my advisor to do that. Hopefully my grades will be good enough that he will ok it.

So what about that whole thing outside of school that usually stresses me out to the max? Hmmm finances suck, but I can pay my rent. Not sure how I’ll make the car payment but I’m working on it with the other bills. So unless I have something happen (like the last 2 weeks I’ve only gotten an average of 20 hours instead of 30 - BAD) then I’m ok. But I’m committed to rent coming first, then the HOA (that’s part of the rent), my car, then food and utilities. I’ve managed to cut way down on any other spending. I take the light rail ( no parking costs), I take any food I might want to school with me except for an occasional coffee, and we don’t do much in the way of going out, to eat or otherwise. This month I stretched and used a food co-op to buy all of next month’s groceries. That was rough but will help next month because it cut groceries in half or more.

And then finally I am still struggling with the whole sarcasm thing. A friend of mine invited me to the Landmark Forum introduction. She just completed the seminar. The last piece of which is a time when you invite family and friends to share with you the work you’ve done. My friend wanted me to go so badly she actually has paid for me to go. It’s during spring break so that helps. But I’m on the fence. I have been thinking about the whole thing and just wondering for 1 when I became such a cynic. I mean, if there is a chance of transforming my life then shouldn’t I work it. Yet I was really put off by both the really hard sell tactics (”Now everyone get out your registration form and start filling it out now” )- said before we really even heard much about the 36+ hours. Just 4 “testimonials” and a lot of speaking by the main speaker. To be honest it was kind of creepy because no one said much of anything with a lot of content, but there were a lot of “buzz” words. Meaning highly charged words used by almost everyone but seemingly devoid of content, sort of amorphous. I’m not trying to bash it. It seems to have done wonders for lots of people. My friend is completely “transformed” in her own words. I haven’t been around her enough yet to really see what the impact was. She still seemed sort of bleary eyed and glazed….

Then after doing some research on the internet it is clear that there are only 2 opinions of the Landmark Forum. Either you are really into it and moved, or you have very negative things to say. From the negative comments it sounded like there was a great deal of negativity - lots of challenging going around where the speaker actually tore people down claiming consistently that no one there had any integrity or honesty in their lives. That genuine feelings were undermined or made the person’s fault. That is not the best way, in my own opinion to motivate people to becoming better. Telling them they are shit just to allow you to be built up again is sort of like boot camp philosophy. Tear down the individual to be made in a particular image. That plus keeping you in a room for 15 hours per day for 3 days in a row, with a few breaks, but only one meal break make me doubly leary. I found myself today regretting having bowed in so easily (I had no intent to - on Tuesday night I walked in knowing the purpose of what I was going into and had firmly decided to walk away thinking about it). I do wish I had thought about it more. And I found myself reflecting on what some of the detractors had said about the confrontations made with them, how it really becomes an “us or them” sort of group, and how I would deal with that. For example, one rule is no note taking. I am wondering how if you are supposed to be listening for these mind blowing revelations inside yourself stirred by others, then maybe those of us who don’t process orally would like to be able to write things down and reflect on their real meanings at a point where we haven’t moved on to yet another topic. My thoughts about being confronted centered on that since to me, that is a part of any journey; the reflection made afterwards which can be totally forgotten if you cover so many things in such a short time. Why do I have to absorb all of it, process all of it, work on all of it in their time frame? What is threatening to them about someone taking notes?

So just how would/will I deal? Be true to myself and stand up for my own integrity and beliefs in spite of possible ridicule? Will I not say anything? And to be honest, if someone confronted me the way some writers spoke of I can not see myself not standing up and asking why it is necessary to totally deride someone to “better them”. Why things can’t be said or done with respect, why things are so rigid. All of that sort of smacks of cultish behavior.

We’ll see. I will not tolerate being berated or disrespected. I personally believe that that is not productive or a good way of producing change. My hope is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle and that I will feel good about having gone. But I do make the promise to myself that I won’t be giving into the hard sell tactic of bringing in new fish. I was totally turned off by that, and feel like if the program is all that is said it shouldn’t need to be forced down your throat. Truth to tell, I have class on the last night (the night of the dog and pony show) so I doubt I would be able to go to that last bit anyway. Probably the best thing.

The biggest question that I have is that if I feel totally demoralized and isolated (for not joining in with the mob) will it simply make me feel worse to sit for that many hours alone in a crowd? And is that going to be good for my own well being?

I don’t know. I am not going to worry about it, and will simply live in the moment and make my choices based on the judgements I see while there. Skeptism? Pessimism? Realism? Don’t have a clue. But it’s not til March so I guess I have a lot of time to wonder.

Wow - two posts in less than 12 hours. Considering my schedule lately it’s a miracle. Actually it’s mostly work problems. Since I work from home on the internet I usually (well at least until about 4 weeks ago) had time to write my blog, read other’s blogs, and do homework. We’ve had a multitude of problems lately and I no longer get time pauses between things and so have not been able to do my writing. It sucks. It’s therapeutic for me and I enjoy it.

Found this from bp_hockey_chick and it’s really nice. I like getting to know how people see me. It’s usually radically different then how you see yourself. The only problem with this one is all the adjectives are positive (well relatively). I would rather see it have both sides of the coin. I’d like to know if people think I have bad characteristics - if enough people gave me that feedback it is something I would look at. Anyway - it’s a cool site none the less. One request - I shared it because it’s cool. But unless you know me pretty well, please don’t comment on mine. I would really like to use it in a mental health sort of getting feedback way. Nothing personal.

And finally from last night the promised post on my body/myself/the old me. At 43 I really don’t feel old. I am in school fulltime, I am fairly active, I have a relatively young kid, so I just don’t see myself that way much. But over the last few years I have of course noticed the inevitable changes my body has made to accomodate decaying flesh. I don’t see well, I don’t move as quickly or gracefully, I have the extra weight often gained in middle age (I’m working on that one), etc etc.

However these last couple weeks have put me on official notice that I AM NOT A 20 SOMETHING ANY MORE - much to my dismay.

The first is my jazz dance class. I’ve always felt good about my dance forms. I was taught excellent technique by very good teachers, and have danced most of my life on and off, most recently as a belly dancer. I enjoy going to clubs and shaking my booty out for stress relief on a regular basis (and this goes back to seeing ourselves through our own eyes vs those of others) and have felt confident that I was looking pretty good. Now I have dance class. In a regular studio. Mirrors on all sides. Dozens of fresh little early 20 year old bodies to compare to in the mirrors. And what I thought of as grace, form and elegance appears to be elephant like movements of plodding (or plopping if we’re doing leaps) across the floor. I can still see technique, I can still see line and form, but my movement just isn’t the graceful beauty of a young body. AND THAT SUCKS.

Next small reminder that I have moved closer to the line of old. I used to throw up whenever I got sick, stressed or in college had had too much fun. Viruses for me always meant a few hours of laying in the bathroom and periodically praying to the porcelain god. I hated it. But once I”d thrown up I had a few minutes to feel better. And once the bug was gone, it was almost like feeling magically alive - the change between bad and good was a definitive demarcation.

I got the flu bug last Friday. Like the once in 5 years can’t leave the bathroom for hours flu bug. Starting at 5 in the morning. This time however, there were no times when I felt better, and it lasted much longer, and was much harder on me. I actually cried at one point because things hurt so bad and I just felt like I couldn’t “give” (as in waste material) any more even though my body stoically continued to try. Finally that part ended somewhere around 11 am, but for the next 24 hours I felt like a mac truck had hit me. Every part of my body hurt. And even the next morning getting out of bed, I still ached. My line of demarcation no longer exists. Even last night in jazz class, half way through warm up I got flushed, dizzy and started to feel weak and sick. Obviously, my body has not yet recovered. No wonder old people seem sick all the time…

Do I have to get old? Maybe they’ll invent the brain transplant and clone bodies for us - then we can live forever which is in my plans already. Hmmmm, maybe I’m in the wrong major at school - would definitely like to speed THAT up before too much longer.

Just a short rant tonight since I”m so sleepy. I have decided that sleep seems to be either in my entertainment or luxury category now that school has started. Which one is just dependent on my mood.

Tonight after my jazz class a fellow classmate, whom I’ve been talking to, “Jack”, offered to walk me to my car. Jack and I have connected on a nice level. He’s a fellow physics student, and for similar reasons, his body shape isn’t exactly in “prime dancer” form. We both feel a little ungraceful moving across the floor. (More about dealing with my body’s age and my total seeming lack of dance form later). He’s a year or two ahead of me, and we’ve chatted about professors and studies and areas of physics. One afternoon after a particularly grueling session of homework I saw him outside the student center and asked him a question about physics. It was nice because I saw that at his level he’d almost forgotten the elementary stuff we’re learning - not like he couldn’t do it, but that it was less relevant than what he’s currently studying (Yeah - so maybe I will make it through this stuff). Anyway, we’ve had casual contact both inside and outside of class and he seems like a nice enough guy.

Tonight however, as soon as he offered to walk me to my car (to which I immediately said yes thinking of pleasant conversation for the mile to the car hike) I started feeling this creeping sense of fear eating my belly. “Is it possible for someone to just be nice?”, I’m thinking to myself as we walk along talking. And then he talks about having grown up wanting to be “Someone’s knight in shining armor” once in a while and then he spent about 5 minutes on how easily a girl could get raped on campus and how none of us should walk alone because no one else is ever paying attention and how the entire location is perfect for a rapist. At this point I’m wondering about his motives, noticing that maybe he’s walking just a bit too close, that he’s way bigger than me and that I’m walking with a guy I don’t really know ANYTHING about into a very remote part of campus. We get to a cross light and I dig my car keys out of my backpack and tuck them into my pocket with my hand. I keep my thumb over what I hope to be the panic button, since I obviously couldn’t take the keys out and stare at the buttons (then he’d know I was looking for the stupid thing and I would either totally insult his kind intentions or tip him off). We continue to walk and chat about other stuff. As we get closer to my car I note who seems to be around, and possible exit paths should he decide to lunge close to my car.

We finished up conversation, and I climbed into my car, promptly locking the door behind me. Jack didn’t lunge, didn’t loom, didn’t do anything threatening at all. Except offer to walk to my car with me. Logic dictates that: I don’t know this guy at all, that he is much bigger, that we were walking to a remote spot on campus and that caution is justified. The pessimist paranoid inside me then pipes up that he may still be a rapist-in-disguise waiting for another opportune moment, which didn’t happen tonight since people were around. The hippy love child inside who just wants us all to get along and really believes the world is all flowers and light is really disgusted at this whole mess of being put into a position where I can’t simply be grateful for the nice gesture offered without peering around the corners. I even found my paranoia creeping around the corners of “well he is a geek and maybe he doesn’t get many dates, and aren’t the rapists out there the one’s you would never expect, nice but really smart and, well, “geeky”. ARGGGG. So now not only do I feel bad for thinking bad possibilities (yes our society calls it being cautious, or praises us for not being naive), but now I’ve also added judgement based on physical characteristics and behavior patterns - both of which I share with Jack myself. PREJUDICE. One of the few dirtiest words in my personal vocabulary.

Here’s the biggest question - how will I answer when he wants to walk me to my car again Thursday night? Do I give in to paranoia, or do I have faith in people’s kindness?

Ok, Life has been insane. I know that trying to be a single mom fulltime, working 30 hours a week, and going to school fulltime is nuts in itself, but I am well organized, and should make it fine. But the adjustment back into a rigid routine with little to no time to myself is killing me. Add to that that my normally fairly slow paced work (when I was able to do some homework while working) has turned itself upside down (we’re so busy we can barely breathe between calls) and it makes for stress. Stress cuz I feel like I’m always behind in homework, my house is a complete disaster, I’m not such a good parent (Mark was sick Monday night and all I could do was freak out about how I might not get to class the next day + we’ve lost his weekly homework packet - can’t find it anywhere), and I’m still not caught up on homework. Life? What life?

What’s it going to be like when I’m taking really HARD classes? Shudder… So I’ve got a goal now, and a plan. I’m going to get my Ph.D in physics (was already on the menu), and work in theoretical relativity, (also pretty much on the menu) and then invent a time travel machine (we just need to figure out the relationship between space and time, not just that they are functions of the same reality) and come back and spend all my time THAT time with a beautiful house and play with my kids. What do you think? I think it’s a winner!

Seriously, one of the things getting to me right now is that when I do conceptual stuff, hard level physics in the areas of relativity and other stuff - I get it. I understand. Right now I’m doing BASIC stuff - F=ma (Newton’s second law for those of you non science people - it controls pretty much everything in our known physical reality since we don’t travel at the speed of light), and I’m totally hosed sometimes. I get mixed up, I botch equations, do stupid miscalculations, and sometimes just really over think things and screw up. It is really frustrating. And of course, when I do the really stupid stuff, it again makes me doubt my choices and ability to do what I want to do… that question - if I’m messing up the easy stuff how am I ever going to do the hard stuff?

Plus things are NOT going to get easier in any other aspect. I have only so much money I can borrow for my college since I have a previous degree (makes me inellgible for other aid in the way of grants etc). So I have a finite amount of cash and limited time. So my class load from here on in is sort of scary. The further I get the harder courses I take and I’ll be taking them 2-3-4 at a time! Oh joy, oh rapture!

And finally to those who’ve missed me - thanks - I’m here - just struggling to write since I have no time. I really miss it. And I miss visiting y’all. I’ll be back even if not so frequently.