Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

Well this weekend seemed to be a landmark of sorts.  Going from a friendship to a relationship has been a little strange for me.  We are very strong people with busy lives and tons of places where friends and interests didn’t necessarily overlap.  Don’t get me wrong one of the benefits of having started to date a friend of a few years is that there are so many commonalities.  We work in similar professions, he is back in school, I can talk physics with him, and we have the same social circles, just with different friends.  Gradually we are sort of combining those friends, and it has been really successful.  But there have been times when communication failed (no big surprise as we both admit that in relationship this is not necessarily a strong suit - and it is certainly VERY new to me), but it never resulted in anything other than discussion.

All in all, the last couple months has been interesting.  Trying to balance natural curiosity about his life, with the need to maintain space and privacy with things that we didn’t necessarily share before.  Made me extra careful to not ask "who was that" or "what are you doing and with whom?"  It’s been a fine line, since my natural curiosity tends to want to know about people I’m interested in.  This happens even with friends, and is not necessarily tied to anything about control or jealousy but certainly in this arena it could be seen to have those motives.  And in truth, I have wanted to be with him a lot and given our busy schedules and our lives outside each other that doesn’t always manifest the way I’d like.

This weekend however, I think there was a little bit of a break through.  I certainly feel more comfortable asking questions, and I feel too that both of us opened up more and shared.  One reason is that we spent the whole weekend together and did some really fun things.  Friday night we just hung out and watched a dvd.  Saturday was an all day event with his Motorcycle riding club.  Can I just say that being involved with that is just awesome?  They are a great bunch of people, there is protocol, structure, honor, chivalry, loyalty, and a lot of fun.  It was my first ride with them, and it was just awesome.  Seeing 25-30 bikes in a caravan riding together has always given me a thrill just watching them pass.  Riding in that was amazing.  Then the party up in the mountains was a lot of fun too.  I was realizing that social interaction with groups of people you are comfortable with, and can just be yourself with is definitely something that I haven’t had a lot of, and that it is so very important.  And while I am still "outside the club" and a guest, they have made me feel very welcome and I have loved being a part of all the events.  But the ride was absolutely amazing. 

When I first met B, his bike was a big thing.  I loved to go riding.  We didn’t get to a great deal even though it is one of his biggest passions.  Now being his back seat, (sort of an honor thing), is really neat.  There is another girl who was pretty much that for him for the last several months although they were just friends.  She has been officially joined to the club and has a place of honor (unusual for a non-rider that has no partner).  I guess knowing B we should have expected it, but she and I have a great deal in common.  Both of us were pretty nervous that we wouldn’t like each other (she more than me I think).  That would have caused some tension.  But we have really had a good time, and are all sharing a room at Thunder this year, and looking forward to having some fun "plotting" against B.  Not really - she’s just teaching me to be a bit of a brat, which in turn has brought out more of the Dom in him. 

That is another thing we did this weekend.  A lot of talking and sharing about wants/needs and where we each fit into them.  The cool thing is we’re both willing to negotiate to get to a point of balance, and then agree that we can work out other ways to get the rest taken care of.  We communicate.  What a concept. 

And finally just spending some much time consecutively with him made me feel more comfortable.  And that on top of we have all next weekend.  THUNDER!  Yeah!!!  From Friday around 2 pm until Monday morning… I am not a mommy, I will be immersed in an adult environment (no kiddies even in the entire hotel) and can have fun, be carefree and just play.  Well I’m volunteering so I do have to work some - but that isn’t a big deal, not really.  I volunteered for seminars this year so I’ll just get to watch more than I might have gone to before.  Plus B worked out his schedule where he does all his work on Friday, so we’ll have the entire time (except for when I’m working).  We talked a little bit about my feelings at Thunder.  I tend to get nervous in big crowds and don’t like to do anything by myself.  As I imagine from the outside it makes me look and feel a bit clingy.  This also gets fed by a need to have a plan, be organized, know what I’m doing for the day.  And of course there is the anxiety that is all but screaming inside me right now about finances which definitely is not helping.  But all of that aside, I am truly excited about the weekend.

The more time with B that I spend, the more comfortable I get, and the happier I feel.  It’s not that he’s making me happy.  He’s a wonderful guy and treats me like a princess.  And he validates that I am doing everything in my power to survive, and that I am doing the best I can.  He is the one factor that is different now then last October (well that and my landlord having been paid - but there are some scary issues connected to that as well that I’m hoping to resolve before he ever knows).  But having him in my life, just to make me laugh, to know that I can care about him, that he cares about me and my life, makes it ok.  Takes away the edge of anxiety sometimes.  And he makes me want to be a good person, to do the very best I can.  I feel happy around him.  Not manic, not crazy, not in that hormone rush of everything else not mattering, but happy.  And that one thing has made all the difference to me. 

I’m very grateful for that in my life.

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