Annual Samhain reflections
Another Samhain, here and gone tomorrow. Another year of reflection, again both because this is the end of the harvest year for me as a witch, and because I will turn 44, another year older in one week. As always on this night in particular I take time to look at my life and review the last year, to look forward to where I might be going on the path that I lay this year. I also remember those who’ve passed to their next life before me, the ones I’ve loved and lost. They sit vigil with me this night, and really for this week as I pass from one year to the next.
As I read my writing from last year, I realized that so much growth has again happened. That this year was, as all years are, filled with grief and joy, love and laughter, tears and sorrow, and sometimes fear. I had done tremendous work on my guilt last year, and this year I can say that I have truly worked through that and have moved past it. I recognize the wrongs I did, I see the ripples of the rocks I dropped in the pond of my family’s life, and I can see that I’ve grown and changed. Do I make some of the same mistakes? Certainly. However, I no longer feel as if I have lived any of this last year without feeling. As much as the numbness has beckoned like a blankie from my childhood, I have resisted the urge to cover myself within its cocoon. Instead I have stayed with my feelings, and while sometimes I cursed and screamed, I also felt more joy and love than I ever have before.
If there was a theme to my last year it was relationship. At the end of last year I claimed 2 people as good friends. This year if I were to throw a “girl’s night” I could claim and feel good about inviting 5 women. That is the most friends I have ever had. And while I don’t get to see any of them nearly enough, I feel really good about each of them and value each for their unique gifts. The relationships with my children have deepened as well. My daughter and I ebb and wane, it is difficult at times. She has had a hard year, and her dad and I have had to be tough on her, which of course she hates right now. My oldest son is becoming an amazing man, and while he still has his issues, he is kind to me and always remembers things. We (finally) celebrated his birthday just a few nights ago, and in spite of the fact that he is a clown, he genuinely appreciated what we did together, and let me know. My 14 year old is doing well, growing into his shoes so to speak. We have typical teenager/parent stuff come up frequently but love each other and remain a support for each other. And my little one grows more each day, and while he has had a rough year at times, has bounced almost all the way back now just like children can do.
And finally this was the year I ventured back into relationships with men. I have been dating. And we’ve had our ups and downs. We have a hard time really understanding each other, have certainly had some deep conflicting issues (simply because the things we thought the other understood were not at all, creating most of the problem), and I personally struggle with male energy. We started out as friends, and at the close of my year I honestly do not know where we stand. In conversations the last few days it is very clear that our relationship means something quite different to me than it does to him. Right now he holds a letter that put my heart out there for him to see, and he has not yet felt the desire to come back to me to tell me where he wants to go now that he knows my feelings. So there is much uncertainty there. And of course, with the struggles I have faced it makes me wonder about the lessons I am supposed to learn around relationships, men and whether I will ever have a deep loving relationship ever again.
Health is another issue I have worked very hard on this year. Mental, physical, spiritual. I have begun working on different techniques and alternate therapies to address some of the issues I face. I just finished an appointment with my prescribing nurse who okay’d me reducing my klonopin as I can. That is a huge deal for me since I hate that I am addicted to it. I have been working with visualization and self discovery. I have written about that in other posts, but that has been another factor in my year.
Where do I want to go? The coming year I want to continue to work on my growth and continue to become healthy and self aware. I want to draw to me all the things I deserve in life. I want to work on the inner beliefs I have that I don’t deserve those things. The universe if bountiful. There is always enough for all. In a year I want to be going to school in the classes I want, paying my bills easily, saving money, increasing time and quality with each of my children and friends, and in a relationship that is meaningful and loving. That is my work.
And finally in remembrance in the order I lost them:
To my father, whom I never knew. You knew me and were a presence in my life without my awareness. I have worked to forgive you and understand why you could not be there for me, even when you knew my mother died. I believe I got so much from you even without you there. I am thankful for your part in my creation.
To my mother, whom I still miss with all my heart. I have finally forgiven you for leaving me. This year was hard for me. In 7 days I will reach an age you never did. You have been gone from me for 33 years. Yet I still feel your presence at times, and I know that we will be together again. I still close my eyes and feel you with me, and will until I join you.
To my grandfather, who always seemed a mystery and kind of scary. Thank you for the special candies, the hugs and the feel of being in your lap. Thanks for letting me help you on the farm. To this day, I too tell my children not to walk in front of me, just like you once did. Your legs were much bigger than mine and I know it bothered you that I was in the way. Thank you for instilling in me the appreciation for life and death as you cut the heads off the chickens for Grandma to cook. I can still smell your smell, and feel your rough face against my soft child cheek.
To my grandmother, grandma, stern but loving. Thank you for instilling in me the need to be honest, the backbone to stay the course regardless of what people think, and the strength to do whatever I want. Thank you for the memories of summertime strawberries and Schwan’s vanilla ice cream in big 5 gallon containers. Thank you for the Raggedy Ann and Andy you sewed for myself and my cousins for Christmas (I still have them). Thank you for the afgan that you lovingly knitted with knotted aged hands as you watched your cubs games. The memories of you at work with the transistor radio ear plug in your ear listening avidly to the ballgames is one I still smile at. What made you such a sports fan? That is not something you passed down to your daughter or me, her daughter. I love you and miss you with all my heart, even though you yelled at me about leaving my gym shoes at school.
To my brother, the man who to this day I live my life to impress. I know by now your sons must be as close to my stongest memories of you that I have. I wish I had the honor of knowing them. Thank you for your belief in me, your love for me, your rescue of me when I couldn’t do it myself. Thank you for the love and laughter, and the summer when you taught me to be an adult, and more importantly, a lady with an appreciation of culture. That was something that was as magic as the summer air and white wine, for I certainly never got that from living in Hubbard. My love of the city, and San Diego are from you, as are my determination to be the best I can. I hope you are proud of me.
And to those who have passed out of my life, not from death but from choice. We journeyed down the same path for a time, and for that I am grateful. Our paths have now divided sharply in different directions, but I wish health, happiness and wisdom for you in your journey.
May we all have a bountiful and beautiful new year.
