No answers, only more questions
Ok, I’ve read back over everything I’ve been writing and I realized I have just written off the relationship I have with B. And I’ve done this because of the void, the not knowing, the craziness of being cut off. His last words to me that he was trying to “wrap his head around everything and to be patient”. If I really listen to that, maybe it is just his needing time to think about things and come back to me with them. I don’t want to write things off. I would like there to be something - and not in a “I’m holding out for anything because I’m desperate” way, but because I enjoy being with him.
Have things changed from the last week and all that has happened? Oh yeah. There’s been a sea change in me. And really it isn’t even about him or our relationship. It’s me. It’s realizing who I am, who I want to be, what I want out of life, and what I have manifested because of my beliefs. My inability to just be ok. My need to sometimes create drama (boy do I hate that), my need to control where I am and where I am going, and the things that are really important to me. I have come back to a space of being able to feel happy regardless of something in my life that I don’t like, or want to change. Tonight, Mark and I danced in the kitchen to Melissa Etheridge as I sang out at the top of my lungs to some of my favorite songs. And I truly felt happy.
That doesn’t mean I’m not bothered by what’s going on. Like Sally said, it is perfectly reasonable to expect me to be patient. But it is also reasonable to expect a bit of an explanation of what I’m being patient for, and how long, or at least, a “I’ll check back in with you “X”. To just have a void, that would be hard for anyone. Like I said, part of me says that in being fatalistic I am not being fair to either of us. Rationally, he’s told me before that he isn’t walking away. If he says he is trying to think things through then I guess HE hasn’t given up, and it’s my own insecurities that put me in that space of saying it’s over for us. Of course, that could also be reality. It’s the not knowing, the doubts that are killing me. I’m not in his head, I’m not privy to what exactly he’s trying to work out, and it leaves me on a cliff.
I also have to say timing sucks. I worked hard to have time around my birthday to spend with him. It is so rare that I have all of a night to do what I want - all by myself. I really want to go to him and tell him that from his own words things have always been ok with people he’s left - so if that is the case, couldn’t we just go have fun on Friday? Just spend time together? But I don’t want to invade the space he’s asked for to even say that. I don’t know if he thinks I am expecting some big deal, or a present or something - but he’s avoiding even talking about it. And the truth is I just want to spend time with him - he’s special and I would enjoy him being there with me to celebrate…
I know there is a lot going on for him this weekend too - life for him doesn’t revolve around me. He has stuff going on that is making him sad and frustrated about the club he’s riding with. I thought it was really strange that he voted no to go to the event on Saturday night - but told me he was going… I don’t know quite what to think about that. I do know I wish that instead of avoiding the truth with me he’d just tell me stuff straight up. What is it in me that makes people afraid to just be honest… Do I react that badly to the truth? I know my own impression is that I feel much angrier and hurt when someone lies to me to “protect my feelings” or to avoid conflict than to just tell me the truth. If I react badly then I would rather have them tell me that. I am open to changing my behavior and honesty is the core thing for me.
I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. I believe that I’m open to seeing them (even if it upsets me to have them pointed out initially) and working them out. Maybe that is what upsets me about this. I feel like he’s taking all of this as said and done and making decisions without me having any kind of input - meaning that he may be completely misunderstanding stuff I’ve said and making choices and decisions on stuff he doesn’t even understand - just like the life and death comment that bothered him so much. He’s taking all I’ve written and all I’ve said, digesting it, considering it from every angle, examining it and all the while he may not even know what it is I meant.
It’s funny - i’m not angry and I don’t have any bad feelings toward him. I know getting angry scared him. Emotion is not something he likes, and that probably made him really step back and wonder what the hell is going on. For me, emotion just is, and if I worried about it everytime I felt strong emotion I would have gone away a long time ago. Emotion is temporary - decisions and how they get acted out are permanent.
And the bottom line, is once again, in the absence of any information whatsoever, I analyse, think, fear the worst, and go crazy. This is obviously is a lesson for me. I was perfectly ok this weekend without him. Was I disappointed that it was such a beautiful weekend and I didn’t get a chance to ride on the back of his bike - yep. What a great birthday present that would have been. But it is what it is.
And if nothing else, I’ve learned a lot about myself, relationships, and life in general in the last few months. Nothing is wasted or wrong… just part of the journey.
Timing sucks too because this week Mr. Ex is going to be here. Happy birthday to me… That is one of the areas I’ve been working on hard though. Mark needs his dad, and I need the break. Badly. But it doesn’t mean there isn’t going to be some strain in having him around. It would be nice to be able to talk to B about that. Just to get through it - think out load, process it. And at this rate that probably won’t be an option either. But I just have to wait and see…
I guess he doesn’t know that I’m one of those people who can’t wait to give presents to people once I’ve gotten them for them, or to know what is going to happen NOW, that patience just isn’t one of my strong suits. That when something bothers me I will work on it for hours, until it’s figured out. That is something that made me so good at network performance. It was all about figuring out how to use the formulas to pull out data that we needed in a coherent fashion. If I got to one that I couldn’t have a map of the MIB to figure things out - I would working with the mib browser for hours, formulating the right request to see if it worked, and if the data was understood. Some projects I worked on for days without a lot of break. In my classes I am working things out in my head constantly. Mel does that too. If we get a concept - we start comparing that and contrasting it everything around us. Life becomes a physics classroom.
Speaking of classes, a random thought came through my head yesterday about how much quality I can give to my school if I’m working fulltime. With 8 hours of class, that means 40 hours of work, plus another 24 of school a week. (2 hours of outside of class time for each hour in - and that is in a normal class - physics and calc are generally more). So what does that leave for kids, house, relationships, fun? I don’t know. It’s something I will have to work on before I’m supposed to start - we’ll have to see.
Sally and I also committed to spending more time together again. We seem to be feeding each other on the stuff that is helping us grow. I’m relieved it’s not the whole Landmark Forum stuff. She’s realized that she doesn’t need that anymore. I’m glad I never really got there - it’s too much for me. But I’m in line with the rest and when I finish talking with her I feel so grounded. Probably why I’ve survived this weekend as well as I have. She keeps me sane.
Ok, tired, done writing - done tons today. Of course, I’m trying to make up for lost time when I was afraid to write. I’m committed to being unafraid - in everything. I’m done with that. I am who I am.
