Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

The last 2 nights have really been nice, weird but nice. Mr. Ex is in town, visiting our son. M is delighted, walking on air, happier than a pig in mud. That is a delight to me. Dealing with Mr. Ex is not such a delight. But on the other hand he doesn’t push my buttons the way he used to. And that doesn’t mean he doesn’t try. He’s still controlling and pushy. I just don’t get triggered.

But that is becoming a theme for me. I’m watching to see when I get “triggered”. Then I look at it, as dispassionately as I can, and figure out what it is that is causing the feelings. After all, in the end, it is me and me alone, who is responsible for my reactions, my feelings, and my actions, even if I feel like someone has pushed my buttons.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last week. I have watched as my reactions to people, both positive and negative said everything about me, and nothing about what that person was doing. After all, we can bang our head up against a wall forever and make no dent in that wall. It makes quite a dent in the head however, and I for one am tired of walking around with a headache.

The other thing that I am learning to do is sit back and watch actions instead of listening to words. This is not just from others. I’ve been watching myself to see the divergence of the walk I walk and the talk I talk. And there is a difference. And to tell the truth, I didn’t realize it. So combined with the commitment not to keep trying to force myself through walls, I have a renewed commitment to take care of myself. As much as I yearn for a relationship where the feelings are mutual, and where we walk the same path, it doesn’t mean that I can or would want to force another into that view, any more than they can force me into theirs. But that said, there is a way to look inside myself, and decide for myself to accept what is offered, for what it is, and just be there.

What does that all mean? Well, for one I am really clear that the views that B and I share about what we are, what we mean to each other, and even in some ways who the other person is, are definitely not in alignment. So, the choice then becomes for me to look at what is happening, and decide if I can accomodate that within myself. And the overwhelming answer for now is yes. Can I pull back, accept that we live our own lives and that we will see each other if it happens, and if not that I have others in my life whom I love and love me? Yeah because of the friends I have built in the last couple years. Do I need love? Yes. Do I need to feel special and valued? Most definitely yes. Does it have to be from B? No. And that is where I slipped. My expectations of what I thought our relationship was caused me to expect him to give me more than he can, or maybe is willing, to do. And I can either accept that, or walk away.

Since we were friends before, and since I’ve come back to a place of knowing that I need to take care of myself and my family, I can be in that place. It’s not a hanging on for anything he wants to give, and it’s not even an ambivalence. Truthfully, I hope we see each other frequently. But I’m not going to be heartbroken that he doesn’t share his life with me. And in cases where I’ve given him the control over things or groups where I have earned my own place, and expected him to advocate for me or introduce me, well that was just stupid on my part. I can represent myself. I have a voice, I have value, and it doesn’t have to come from him. And in that vein, I’ve taken that power back and stepped up to walk into those circles on my own, or through other people who actually welcome the opportunity for me to join. In the end, they don’t see those things as “theirs” and so are not threatened by my wanting to join. And I’m relieved to say, that by giving up that expectation that HE would want to have me a part of those things, that I can also detach from any pain that was caused when I didn’t get what I expected. He can have the control over those things for himself, but I have a place of my own, and I am claiming it.

Where does that all lead? Peace, relief, understanding, ease, comfort. I no longer have expectations, and therefore I no longer can be disappointed. I have detached and therefore cannot be hurt. I still care a great deal for him, but have stepped back into my own life. What will he do with that? I don’t know. From his actions that is completely what he wants. But the couple of times I have tried to explain it he has freaked a little. So maybe it’s ok to him to have the control for himself - but when I take mine back he realizes that it doesn’t fit with the model of what it means to be in a relationship that has deeper meaning than a casual dating thing. I really don’t know. As I said, I am dented enough… I’ve learned my lesson. I have given up the oar, I will not row against the current any more. Life is a path. When we try to force it to go the way we want we end up lost in the wilds and brambles. I’ve been scratched and battered, but have found my own path again. And ultimately, that means things are good. For everyone. Where that path leads is unknown, but once again I am at peace following it as it shows in front of me.