Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

Today (finally) I went back and looked at the answers to the question I asked, that was actually picked for a world forum. I describe the project and what its meaning was in my August 28th entry (last year) if you are interested. My question was:

Where does the line between personal freedom and social responsibility towards the common good fall? Who gets to decide?

One of the things that evolved from that is I was thinking in terms of actions that are personal ethics (abortion, glt equal rights, the right to make choices in our society that have no effect on anyone but ourselves) and while all responses to the question involve ethical considerations, most of the answers came more in the economic sense of the American themes of “take take take” without regard to the others in our communities; our world. If you want to read the answers (and there are some interesting ones) go here:

http://www.droppingknowledge.org/bin/posts/focus/18773/2833/false.page

My lover says when away from me:

Was it just an hour and half ago I was touching your skin?

actually from this point 3 1/2 hours i was breathing your breath…

intimacy, the slightest brush of lip against lip, breathing in the breath of another, feeling the skin of our faces together, smelling your hair…
i have had several lovers - but few understand that the way you do… to be honest I think that was what got me -
i close my eyes and can feel the touch, the warmth, smell you and taste you on my lips
but it pales besides the poetry of you beside me, and to come, entwined with me

I have absolutely no idea how long this spell will last - and it doesn’t matter. What matters is the real magick of what is happening now - this is truly the spiritual side of physics in the reality of time and space - eternity between when we are together and how time seems to stop and hours pass when we are in each other’s presence. You are a gift and for that I am thankful. You have opened me in ways I couldn’t begin to explain… and I know that there is so much to come if it is meant to be…

we are halfway to when you will come to wake me

missing you

Life. Why is it we forget what it is in the moment. Right now. There - did you feel it? How can we live so dead to the world, so dead inside? And then something blows you open, like a hole in your soul. I feel as if I’ve surfaced deep water and can now remember to feel, see, hear, smell, taste - like a child when everything is new.

Is it our natural way to turn this off most of the time? Would we implode from experience? Or is that whatever the catalyst, our senses, just like our physical nerves stimulated too much, dull from the constancy of sensation… What would it be like to live life so open to everything. If we are creating our reality, we do we dull it to ourselves? Why do we lessen the intensity of our life?

Questions/Answers. I post this here and will read it whenever I want to remember that I am alive, and open to everything. I never want to turn this off again.

Just when you think things are not possible anymore, when you have gone past a time when you can truly feel alive in all of your being from being close to another person, if you are lucky, really lucky - you meet a person who is your mirror. And when that happens time stops mattering. I don’t have a clue what will happen or where we will go, but living forever is about moments like this, the desire of wanting things to never stop.

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wow. dreams last night, again unremembered but waking from them made me ache wanting to sleep again just to have you there…

i, like you said last night, have no idea what this is, what is happening, but i want more

my thoughts have turned to you at every moment that has not held a conscious thought - is that happening to you? not only that, i think of you and my body flushes, heat radiating from my belly out - warmth that wakes me to something i thought was lost a very long time ago - what is this affect you are having on me? if it wasn’t for the fact that something deep inside me is meeting something deep inside you, i would be scared, feeling as if i had lost my mind or that i am losing it - but only when i am not in your presence does thought take over - when you are in front of me, behind me, bruising my shoulders or neck with your fingers, your lips… there is only the pulse of the dance of our heartbeats… and I fall into that beat, steady slow, the breathe, the heat, the eyes

last night, at some point between the end of one event and the middle of the next, something inside shifted - i hope i’m not scaring you off - you have brought out tremendous passion that apparently had not deserted me entirely, just dulled down to the coals somewhere deep inside me - I think you’ve made me 14 again too

and by the way, just as a very important side note - 14 year old hormones in an adult dominant… hot doesn’t begin to adequately describe the affect -

sometimes my words are not enough to pull what’s inside me so:

Possession

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
and after, I’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I’ve stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
and after, I’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it’s morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won’t be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
and after, I’d wipe away the tears
just close your eyes…

- Sarah Mclachlan, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

you take my breath away, again and again
when can I see you again?

“When a change comes, some species feel the need to migrate. They call it zugunruhe. A pull of the soul to a far off place. Following a scent in the wind, a star in the sky. The message comes calling them to gather together in hopes they can survive the cruel season to come.”

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Taken from Heroes

There is a movement. It is coming. Our world is changing and things are happening. All you have to do is look outside your window, turn on your tv, listen, really listen to what is going on around you. We can’t go on like this. Violence, hatred, “insert-word-here”-ism, abuse, neglect, poverty, war, on and on and on.

I was talking to a friend tonight about her job. She is an angel. She works in a resident treatment facility for abused and neglected boys who are not in the legal system, but who need homes and care. We were talking about those boys, those children.

“I want Santa to fix my tooth”, one little boy put on his Santa list.

“I am sorry I keep hurting you but I don’t know what else to do”, another teen boy wrote to her.

Everywhere I turn I see it, the whispers of a change to come, a revolution, something signaling a new era. I have always believed in Gaia. And frankly, it doesn’t really matter whether I or any one else believes in Her. The earth’s ecosystem is alive, and while not conscious in the way humans define intelligence, it is delicately balanced in a way that only an intelligence could explain. And humans are a virus. We are an alien body in the system. And she will win. Gaia will not die, but instead will either kill us or make us impotent to hurt Her any more. We adapt, of course. Just like bacteria. But the bacteria adapt because Gaia needs to thin us before we harm Her irretrievably. Plagues, famine, new viruses, super “bugs”, everything just keeps getting more and more virulent. We wage war by destroying our own home, and She tries to rid Herself of us before we kill Her.

Not that I don’t trust human kind to kill itself off in a fit of complete idiocy. I’m sure we are quite capable of self destructing. Global warming, nuclear waste, biological warfare development, war, terrorism; all of it. I guess in a way I just wonder who will suceed first. But I also know that I see people around me awakening, being drawn, feeling new powers, having new ideas, joining together. We’re here for a reason. I keep asking my friend, “why? why Denver?” What brought me HERE. We don’t know. But here we are.

Waiting

Watching

Now here’s a real surprise (NOT!):

Ok, so it’s been much too long since I’ve written. Thanks to all of you who faithfully kept coming back to check on me. I’m ok. I’ve just had lots of stuff going on, besides which for a while there I felt like i couldn’t write. I write about stuff going on in my life, and when the major “going on” has to do with the boyfriend you’ve given your url to, well there are issues. Lesson learned. Until I know I”m mated forever, my boyfriend/lover/friends will not read my blog. Period. Bad idea. It stiffled me and kept me from doing my usual rambling way of working things out in front of the whole anonymous world.

But as you can tell I’m back so obviously things have changed. We finally called it like it is and went back to being friends who date occasionally. We were never really more, although for a bit there I think there might have been a chance. It got squashed, first by him, and then most definitely by me. It culminated over the holidays in a couple of very big misunderstandings making me realize that this just was not working. Really, I was just stating out loud what we were living out. We barely talked during the week, had no commitments to doing anything or even seeing each other on the weekends. Those are not the ways of people who are dating, let alone in a relationship. This was, I think, fine with him. It was not for me.

In the end, he summed it up well. I want someone to be in love with me. And I do. But there is so much more and that would be another example of not being in the same world as him. I love him to death but we just don’t live in the same reality. I don’t just want to have someone in love with me. I want to be in love. I want to be romantic and silly. I want to go out and stay in. I want to talk for hours about philosophy and spend the night dancing in a club. I want to ride on the back of his bike. I want him to tell me I’m beautiful and mean it. I want him at my side when we’re together somewhere. I want to be part of a set… As I wrote to a friend, I want a knight in shining armour, not to rescue me, but to match the Queen that I am inside.

So I’m back - finally. Back to myself. Back to being alone (although again in reality - it is no different than last week - just the perception of what it was versus reality). I’m only as alone as I want to be. And I don’t want to be. I’m inviting lots of friends into my life. I have lots of people I love to be with. And I’m happy that way. And I know he’s out there. Looking for me just like I am looking for him. We’ll bump into each other soon…

Report on the klonopin: failed. Miserably. Too much stress, likely due to B and I as well as the holidays… maybe some time later. For now I’m back on the full dosage. I got down fine to 1/4 dose (1/2 a pill a day) and then completely felt freaked out. It was affecting my entire life; work, home, family, friends. Once I realized that I just went back on it for now. I have time and I will leave it behind at some point.

Another news flash: I did something that definitely is one of the top 5 events in my life over the holidays. M and S both went to New Orleans over Christmas break. I took vacation. For those of you not in Denver, we have been dumped with snow. Repeatedly. Ad naseaum. Well the 2nd storm was rolling in, I was on vacation with no children (gods that almost NEVER happens) and there I was about to be stuck in the house. So I booked a plane for San Francisco, and escaped. I spent 3 full days and 4 nights in the beautiful city I love. And remembered that I loved it even more than I remembered… I could spend forever there and not get full. Haight-Ashbury, Fisherman’s Wharf, Golden Gate, Chinatown, Japantown, Market Street, it was amazing and wonderful. And I want to go again. I took tons of photos. I had so much fun. I was by myself in a huge city that I love doing whatever I wanted however I wanted whenever I wanted. And I felt so much better coming back. It was like I was a different person.

So hello everyone. I survived. I am here. I am writing again. I have so many things in my head to write so I’ll be back often again now that I have time.