Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

Now here’s a real surprise (NOT!):

Ok, so it’s been much too long since I’ve written. Thanks to all of you who faithfully kept coming back to check on me. I’m ok. I’ve just had lots of stuff going on, besides which for a while there I felt like i couldn’t write. I write about stuff going on in my life, and when the major “going on” has to do with the boyfriend you’ve given your url to, well there are issues. Lesson learned. Until I know I”m mated forever, my boyfriend/lover/friends will not read my blog. Period. Bad idea. It stiffled me and kept me from doing my usual rambling way of working things out in front of the whole anonymous world.

But as you can tell I’m back so obviously things have changed. We finally called it like it is and went back to being friends who date occasionally. We were never really more, although for a bit there I think there might have been a chance. It got squashed, first by him, and then most definitely by me. It culminated over the holidays in a couple of very big misunderstandings making me realize that this just was not working. Really, I was just stating out loud what we were living out. We barely talked during the week, had no commitments to doing anything or even seeing each other on the weekends. Those are not the ways of people who are dating, let alone in a relationship. This was, I think, fine with him. It was not for me.

In the end, he summed it up well. I want someone to be in love with me. And I do. But there is so much more and that would be another example of not being in the same world as him. I love him to death but we just don’t live in the same reality. I don’t just want to have someone in love with me. I want to be in love. I want to be romantic and silly. I want to go out and stay in. I want to talk for hours about philosophy and spend the night dancing in a club. I want to ride on the back of his bike. I want him to tell me I’m beautiful and mean it. I want him at my side when we’re together somewhere. I want to be part of a set… As I wrote to a friend, I want a knight in shining armour, not to rescue me, but to match the Queen that I am inside.

So I’m back - finally. Back to myself. Back to being alone (although again in reality - it is no different than last week - just the perception of what it was versus reality). I’m only as alone as I want to be. And I don’t want to be. I’m inviting lots of friends into my life. I have lots of people I love to be with. And I’m happy that way. And I know he’s out there. Looking for me just like I am looking for him. We’ll bump into each other soon…

Report on the klonopin: failed. Miserably. Too much stress, likely due to B and I as well as the holidays… maybe some time later. For now I’m back on the full dosage. I got down fine to 1/4 dose (1/2 a pill a day) and then completely felt freaked out. It was affecting my entire life; work, home, family, friends. Once I realized that I just went back on it for now. I have time and I will leave it behind at some point.

Another news flash: I did something that definitely is one of the top 5 events in my life over the holidays. M and S both went to New Orleans over Christmas break. I took vacation. For those of you not in Denver, we have been dumped with snow. Repeatedly. Ad naseaum. Well the 2nd storm was rolling in, I was on vacation with no children (gods that almost NEVER happens) and there I was about to be stuck in the house. So I booked a plane for San Francisco, and escaped. I spent 3 full days and 4 nights in the beautiful city I love. And remembered that I loved it even more than I remembered… I could spend forever there and not get full. Haight-Ashbury, Fisherman’s Wharf, Golden Gate, Chinatown, Japantown, Market Street, it was amazing and wonderful. And I want to go again. I took tons of photos. I had so much fun. I was by myself in a huge city that I love doing whatever I wanted however I wanted whenever I wanted. And I felt so much better coming back. It was like I was a different person.

So hello everyone. I survived. I am here. I am writing again. I have so many things in my head to write so I’ll be back often again now that I have time.