Precipice and choice
One of the most beautiful things about getting to know someone new, someone whom you are attracted to and is attracted to you, actually falling in love, is the sharing of lives. The stories, the blends, the vistas that open up with that new person. In some ways he has been a part of worlds that I was aware of but had no connection to before. I had seen them from the outside, but never gone through the door. It’s not anything I ever avoided, rather something that I had never been drawn into for any reason. That doesn’t mean I am not immensely curious. I love asking him questions and getting real answers. Of course sometimes he is very playful and doesn’t answer and just lets me wonder. He has a wonderful smile when he does that. But with serious things, with questions about his experiences or journeys he answers.
When we talk, we really talk. We share. Past experiences, dreams for the future. Where we will be. Where we want to be. Things we want to explore. He talks geographical philosophy (and I didn’t even really know there was such a thing - I’m still trying to understand what it IS) and I talk quantum physics. We both talk about ourselves and our lives. What is important to us, what has meaning. We meet in the middle and neither of us is right. We speak the same language.
Things are so good that it scares me. We’re taught that nothing should be this good. That life isn’t supposed to be this happy. That just being with a person and wanting them beside you THIS much is sick or co-dependent or that something is not quite right. My intuition and every fiber in my being says that this is exactly what I made my spell for. He is who I put out to the universe that I wanted, manifested down to almost every detail. But I hardly know him. I’d never met him before 3 weeks ago. That horrible part of me wants to squish my happiness and my feelings. It whispers in the back of my brain that he isn’t who I think and that he’ll disappear as quickly as he appeared and that maybe he just knows how to say all the right things. That is the co-dependency. That is from allowing myself to not live for so long. Those feelings come from inside me, telling me that I’m not good enough to be so happy, that I don’t deserve it. Thank you for sharing no go back into the corner, I tell the voice.
Another voice pops up. What about all the rules, all the safety gauges, all the precautions that particularly in our lifestyle we take? What happened to following them? I’ve thrown them out the window on intuition and feeling. Not completely. Again, thank you for sharing, and here is what I will do to be more careful, I again say to voice number 2.
Life is risk. Life is a precipice waiting to be stepped off so that you can fly. We are meant to fly. We are meant to transcend our lives that exist in the physical plane, and feel unique and deep spiritual love, passion and happiness. Yet somewhere along the way, we’ve made agreements with ourselves that life is hard, that we will not ever get what we truly desire (and if we do it is "too good to be true") and that we are meant to suffer. That without suffering there is no gain.
I’m tired of living that agreement. I have stepped off the precipice and I’m flying. And if my flight doesn’t last long, or even as long as I think it should, well than I will have loved deeply and had experiences I would never have had in any other way. And that is life…
Did I mention that he’s very sexy, absolutely chivalrous, and even protective?
shiver…
