Struggle for the day.
There was a dynamic that happened in my marriage that really became clear and was very hard for me to deal with for several years before the end. It was this dynamic of intimacy, and in particular physical intimacy (ok, sex) and what would happen around who wanted it when. It was guaranteed that the minute I stopped wanting it, I would have him all over me. If I was tired, if I was just feeling funky or unhappy, or maybe grumpy or uninterested, he would not stop bothering me. The minute I became interested and excited, he would put me off. That dynamic played out to where I just didn’t want sex any more. It became a head trip that I just wasn’t interested in anymore.
I can look back now at the power struggles in our relationship and see that that was simply another one. I can understand the reasons, the whys, the hows, the effects on that relationship. What I didn’t expect is how it would play out in later relationships. Being playful and being teased is fun. It has a place. The tension that arises from the holding back is amazing. But at some point inside of me a switch turns off and it feels like that game all over again. The yes yes yes yes yes… no. For the last couple of days I’ve struggled with that concept, and the baggage left over from such a destructive relationship. Where is the line? What is just me being me, and what is leftover shit?
Unfortunately what comes in to play is that with the old baggage comes the old coping mechanism. I turn off. I feel like it’s a power trip and a game and I don’t want to subscribe to it. From what I can look at rationally I don’t think that that is the case. But the old tapes get put in and I have a hard struggle to not just give in to old behaviors…
Struggle for the day.
