Retreat
I need to write, I want to write… yet it feels like in my head my words falter and fail. I know that much of what I am feeling is likely chemical, some stupid neurotransmitter misfiring in my brain. But we know so little - does that happen first, or does shit happen and then the chemicals make it worse? I don’t know.
I know that I feel like I’m on the precipice again. Not the beautiful one that I wrote about just a while ago, or maybe it is and I have different eyes. I want to wrap myself in ice again, and I am fighting it. I think that is the discomfort and unhappiness I’m feeling. The normal reaction I have to feeling exposed and as if I have risked myself and my soul is to close myself off. To back down, back away, turn my back and even run away if I need to. I fight within myself because I don’t want to.
I want to believe that I am worthy of love, of being told I”m beautiful, of having good feelings and warmth. Because of circumstance I have no control over I have stopped being in a place where I can accept that and feel like I have to question everything. And the questioning is making me despair. I doubt myself, my judgement, my ability to care, my ability to give anything to anyone and simply want to just disappear.
I really don’t know where these feelings come from. It is certainly nothing anyone has done. And nothing that I feel that I have done. What I really want I can’t have right now. What I really need I don’t know.
Fear, the thing that sucks. External fear is nothing. Someone threatening me, a fear of something external - those are nothing. The fear that we are not worthy inside, that we have no value, that we are only a burden and should not bother the people in our lives… that is fear. That is the circle of black descent that there is no venturing out of. That is the precipice I’m standing on. I can hear my therapist, my friends, saying that I need to just choose to realize I am a good person. That I deserve to be happy and have wonderful things in my life. I wish it were that simple. There have been times in my life when everything was crumbling around me and I had the choice to be happy. Here I am now with so much that is good in my life and I don’t see that choice. I only see the approaching ice.
And finally the fear of bipolar. I am too crazy for people to stick around. My moods scare people off, and ultimately I am again alone.
Today is black. The world is black. I just want to cover up in my bed and let it all go away. Float in the nothingness where there is no pain.
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Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.
I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I’m lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step
You’ll slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem a way to be redeemed
Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen…
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don’t come round here
And tell me I told you so…
- Sarah McLachlan, Fallen
