Moment by moment, breath by breath
Living in the moment can fuck things up. So many things have been opened up in me again by this new relationship in my life. One is the sexuality and passion that I really do have inside. For the first couple weeks, things were hugely passionate, explosively sexual, and at least for me building towards really good wonderful sex. It made me remember my body, my physical self, and needs and desires that I had buried. Then things changed. Not sure why or how, they just did. Things now are more tender, and loving, and also more geared towards a submissive/Dominant space, but not in that primal energy of raw power and sex. I love what is going on now. But I also want what we had.
I’ve struggled with this for the past couple weeks. And this last weekend we started a dialog about it. And I’ve had some realizations this morning. Regardless of what happened or why things changed, they are the way they are right now. And again, I’m happy in that space. Yet, I’m needing/wanting more now that I’ve been “awakened” to those feelings inside me. If I live in this moment, each moment with him. We’re not going there. So how do I deal with that?
How do I deal with needing/wanting something from someone who can’t/won’t give that to me? Is he responsible for taking care of that… absolutely not. But yet, remembering what was makes me know how incredible the could be is… if I look outside of that for what I perceive as my needs, do I lose the potential for that in the future? How do we live completely in the now and still look forward to dream and hope?
I was talking with a colleague about something totally unrelated, but it has ties to this concept. I want what I want NOW. It’s not that I can’t wait… I could. But the not knowing if that will ever be fulfilled when it was so THERE before… that is hard and I that I don’t think I can do. In questions (which maybe he didn’t understand) I wanted to hear from him that this was a place he wanted to go like I do, but he couldn’t answer that. I’m not sure if it was because he truly doesn’t think about the future and for him now is all there is and that isn’t what he wants, or if he didn’t understand what I was asking. I’ve tried to clarify but it doesn’t help, and when I found myself writing yet another email with questions I realized this morning that I had my answer I just didn’t want to accept it. We aren’t there in the now, and there is no definition about the future. We could go to a place of mind blowing sex, or we may not. There is no definition.
I guess the biggest answer is the one in my heart that knows that I need to do what is right to take care of myself now, and things will work out as they should. Do I need/want sex. Absolutely. Can I have that now with him? No. So to I need to look for other ways to have that. That makes me totally responsible for myself. It also makes me sad - he awakened those needs and passions in me by being so amazingly passionate, and for whatever reason that is no longer an option. Maybe it will at some point in the future, maybe it won’t. But if I am to live in the moment, that doesn’t matter. It isn’t NOW. And now is what I have. And in the now I want to go there with someone special - I want to have what started with him for myself. To share that part of myself with another. To lose myself in the amazing primal energy of twining bodies and explosive passion. And I can manifest it in my life.
Knowing that how do I go forward? Haven’t a clue. I am however, grateful for the insight. I’m working hard not to worry about the how, but now that i realize that that was a big part of what I was trying to gain in my life, I want what I want now…
