I have much that I want to write about and it overflows and combines and becomes a river of feelings, so much so that it overwhelms me and will take much time to process. In part I feel like I have friends with whom I cannot work this through simply because they will not understand some parts of it, and others because they are too close to it. When that is the case where do I go? I don’t know. Perhaps I need to segregate friends instead of bringing them together. But for now I’m stuck writing to try to figure things out here.
First and foremost, this weekend a tragedy happened, and on top of all the crap I went through with B (mentioned in last week’s post of defining our relationship), it was a sad and overwhelming weekend.
On Sunday one of the men I ride with in the club went down on his bike. We all know as we ride the risk we take. We all make the decisions about wearing a helmet vs. not wearing one and its implications. Squire S went down on his bike during a club ride. The fact that he did it while he was with the club likely saved his life. Several of our riders have medical training and one of them was the first to reach him. One of the first things you learn when riding a motorcycle is that if you start to have an accident and you know it’s not avoidable, then you lay the bike down and get away from it. Squire S never did this. Not only that, from the Knight who was following him, he never seemed to do anything to control the bike or change course, simply sat slumped down in his seat.
From what doctors can now piece together it appears that he suffered a heart attack causing paralysis and while was conscious was completely unable to control his bike. As a result, the riders behind him watched in horror as he veered to the left through the median and into on coming traffic. He managed to miss 2 on coming cars, a mile marker, utility pole and it’s guide wire (went through them) crashed through a multilayer barbed wire fence that managed to only catch his leg and foot, and then crashed and flew from the bike, impacting straight down on his head. Sir T reached him before some well meaning motorists, who were attempting to turn him over, but it was clear Squire S had severe neck injuries, and instead Sir T dug out the ground under his face so he could continue to breathe.
With him on the ride a lady I’ve known for almost 4 years. She is in a very close relationship with Squire S and luckily was riding in front of him on her own bike and did not have to watch, however, she is suffering badly in the hospital along side him and his family. The club has pledged to have someone there 24/7 as much as practical and as long as we do not intrude. It is important to not bother the family, but so far the presence has seemed comforting if not a bit confusing to them, particularly his sons. Squire S has not been in good shape. When they got him to the hospital, they took him immediately to surgery where they drilled out and fused his vertebrae, C3-C7. It was believed that he would be paralyzed from the chest down. The amount of blood on his brain led them to believe that he had suffered an aneurysm, however, they now believe it was trauma instead. As of yesterday morning he suffered cardiac arrest, and has been on full life support since then.
Last night along with R & B I went to see him after work. It is a trek. He is up in Longmont (a very long way from home) and we stayed there the latest along with the President and Duchess. I had prepared myself to say good bye, and upon getting there, did not change that readiness.
T had given up based on the nurses’ assessments that it was unlikely he would recover. There was likely to be 90% brain damage as well as full paralysis. The S we knew would not return. There were additional hurdles. T & Squire S were members both of the riding club and of the leather community. Were they not members of the club, the club would not have been there, but T would have. He is her life and has been for the last few years. This is in co existence and with support of Squire S’s wife.
At one point last night the president of the club asked B to bring me to him to intercede with T that the family needed space, and the mother in me came out, simply perhaps from the fact that I more than anyone there was likely to understand her – I have been in her shoes as far as the type of relationship she shares with Squire S. I know the bond that it entails, and it transcends even the bonds of what many call marriage. Her relationship was accepted by the family that knew (his wife and one son), and if they chose not to disclose that relationship to the rest of the family members then that was their choice.
Ultimately, T & Squire S’s wife and children were the most important elements in that waiting room. And while I understood Sir I’s feelings of wanting to protect the family, he clearly did not understand, and possibly could not understand, T’s role as a part of that “family”. Regardless of what it may have done to change his opinion of me, I respectfully disagreed, and even when B took me back I told him in no uncertain terms that I was on her side with this, that I understood the situation and that T was not in that waiting room as a member of the club but as her other role; lover, companion, deeply committed partner. As such the club had no hold or rights to her decisions or actions. And I was ready to stand for those beliefs.
Yet, I saw too that T had given up. And from everything I saw she seemed to be right. So we gathered and we waited to go in by 2’s to see him. Sir Ia went in with his wife, and after that, while I sat with T, and Sir Ia talked to her about the spiritual path we all share but must still walk alone, B came to me to let me know it was our turn.
Sir Ia had told T that he had felt Squire S’s warrior spirit still in that room. T did not. There is no doubt in my mind who is closer to him, yet her mind was so crowded with grief and fear she had closed off any possibility of hope to shut out the pain. I took some deep breaths and went into priestess mode. It is not a role I assume often, nor lightly. As a child I used to be able to either heal animals, or to help them cross to the summer lands if that was what was needed. Many a time I was able to heal with touch small aches and pains of people I cared about. I actually could feel in animals and people I was close to the pain or need that was under the skin. In most circles I do not share that information. I lead a weird enough life and I don’t need more fuel to the fire that I’m a batty old witch. And the truth is that as I got older, I locked that part of me away, both because there is too much pain in the world to heal, and partially because I had my own pain to deal with. I still use it frequently in animals. I have called to ones that needed me, talked to ones approaching death, and have no fear of most (well except big angry dogs… they aren’t rational at that point). Yet walking into the room I took on that role again, healer, and priestess, and did what I could do to prepare myself for the feel of his spirit, be it ready to walk a path from this life, or to struggle to come back to himself and to aid where I could.
For a moment I walked up to the bed and just watched him. It seemed painful to watch the ventilator push his breath in and out. I watched to see movement, signs of him there. I paused and breathed with him. And I felt him in the room. I felt his knowledge that he was surrounded by those he loved. I took his hand in mine and began to talk to him. I told him that B & I were there, and that there were more people in the waiting room than he could possibly know. That we all loved and cared for him, and wanted whatever was best for him. That we were simply there. Family all. As I talked to him, I started to see that every once in a while, his arm was pulling my hand towards his side. It coincided with the respirator, but it was there. So I asked the nurse if that was usual. She came over, I am sure to tell me it was, but as I showed her, she realized it was more than some muscle contraction. She felt his arm, then moved around to the top of the bed and opened his eyes and said loudly to move his fingers, to move his arms, to do what he could. And standing there, again holding his hand, he moved his fingers, and then pulled both arms into his sides. He had returned. He was not conscious but he was there. It was not a one time thing, he continued. I could barely contain myself and almost ran down the hall, burst through the door, and while I scared T & his wife probably to the core because of the way I came out and the tears on my face, I rushed to her and told her. J & T immediately went back, and while they were there he moved more and more. He did not regain consciousness, but he did indeed respond not only with hands and arms, but his feet responded involuntarily to touch, meaning there was not complete paralysis.
I do not know why the Goddess chose me to be the bearer of the news of such a miracle to those who love him most. I do know that I feel blessed. He is by no means out of the woods, and should he chose to pass to the next path, he will do so. But his renewed strength at this time gives his family more time to say good bye at the very least. We are all keeping him in our thoughts and prayers. I would ask that while you don’t know me, or him, to whatever you believe deity to be, please pass a moment to give him the energy of love that will surround him for whatever journey his soul takes.
