First day at work
Today was the first day of work. Things were, in short, pretty disorganized. This is because, I am sure, of the way I was hired. Quickly, without much more than a personal recommendation, and the hiring process is usually much much longer. After all it’s a huge company. So while the recruiters insisted my start date was on the 21st, all my paperwork said today (the 14th). My boss called on Friday, and said to come in, that things would work out how they would.
Well, my onsite supervisor (mine’s in TX) is on vacation, others had changed schedules, and needless to say there really wasn’t much direction about what I do for the day. I managed to find my cubicle, I watched one guy work, and realized that yes, this job is in my range of capabilities, and I will likely do well, and hopefully add to the team, and then the rest of the time I read an installation manual. While I know all the surrounding technologies (windows, linux, networking, exchange, some Domino/Lotus Notes) I have no clue about modular messaging and in particular their product. YIKES. So I read, but it was so boring. Not really a training manual and it assumed much in terms of knowing the actual product. Once the 2 team members left for the day, there really was nothing left for me to do except stare at the walls of my cube, and so the contact I had for the day helped me by looking me up in POST (internal HR database - I remember it from Lucent actually) and I was a real employee (Yea!). We went downstairs and started on the process of my badge. My boss said something about going to work with B for a while for some training (that will be interesting). As of the end of the day, I didn’t have my computer or telephone. And there doesn’t seem to be much of the normal, first day, go here, sign this, etc etc. I felt pretty lost, but relieved about the actual work.
M did well at Tigers today. It’s familiar to him. He starts school on Thursday, reminding me it is again that time of year when things are going to be really busy. I start school next week. That is going to add a bit to stress.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. B had spent the night and the day had been rough for a lot of reasons. Someone whom I’ve quickly learned to care about, I actually took to the hospital on Friday night for mental evaluation, and she was admitted finally at 4:30 in the am. Yes, I was awake until then. We went to visit her the next day with all the things she needed from home, and it wasn’t too bad (she is in the same hospital that I originally went to, and where I would go back if I had to). We visited yesterday as well, and she was very out of her skin. She was visibly agitated. It hurt to watch since I empathize so much that i actually go there myself. Then things (lots of little stupid things) just built up and made me crazy and stressed out. So by the time I went to bed, (B finished his homework) I actually did pass out, but then I woke up and was so emotional from all the stress that I babbled and things just came out. Kind of like thinking "oh my god did I just say that?". Not that I wasn’t thinking that, but there are things I’d just as soon keep to myself right now, just simply because I don’t know where he is at emotionally about our relationship. I’m really not exactly sure of where *I* am. Somehow I have managed to feel more than I expected, but I don’t know what that means, and then on top of that it terrifies me. I didn’t want to feel this way right now. I expected going from a friendship that we would be close, but I didn’t expect to feel the depth of feeling I do. So by the end of the night after such a very stressful day, I just sort of broke. Not a good time to do so, and it was scary because I really should have been sleeping since I had to get up at 5:30 and didn’t go to sleep until 2:30ish, (I actually woke up before the alarm started at 5:15). And while I didn’t feel tired today I am certainly edgy and shaky. I’m going to take my extra doses of drugs tonight to help with that. I don’t want to babble more to him. It puts me at risk for putting everything out there and hearing nothing in return, or worse hearing that it’s the last place he wants to go, and it’s not really something I’m sure about.. .more just feelings at the time (well and when he’s not around). But I have no idea and truly no plans for the future. Things are just a bit tough right now.
Add to that that the cell that Aaron "gave me" (I am to pay him back from my next check) was turned off today. In the bargain he made with cricket, he was to pay $40 every week. Last week I actually drove him to the store, and he said he paid. He didn’t. And that means he lied to me, and also made me feel very embarrassed with my new boss, who has now had TWO cell numbers, both disconnected. UGgg.
So today was interesting, tomorrow will be more so. We didn’t go see R tonight but will tomorrow night. M has back to school night (ick crowded rooms, yuppie parents and general insanity). But we’ll be busy and do it all.
Wish us luck.
