Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

Today (finally) I went back and looked at the answers to the question I asked, that was actually picked for a world forum. I describe the project and what its meaning was in my August 28th entry (last year) if you are interested. My question was:

Where does the line between personal freedom and social responsibility towards the common good fall? Who gets to decide?

One of the things that evolved from that is I was thinking in terms of actions that are personal ethics (abortion, glt equal rights, the right to make choices in our society that have no effect on anyone but ourselves) and while all responses to the question involve ethical considerations, most of the answers came more in the economic sense of the American themes of “take take take” without regard to the others in our communities; our world. If you want to read the answers (and there are some interesting ones) go here:

http://www.droppingknowledge.org/bin/posts/focus/18773/2833/false.page

Life as ok. Last weekend was amazing. I saw what I had asked for and gottten. What I manifested in my life by asking. And I spent the entire weekend happy. Everything went so well. So well in fact, that I am stepping down (FINALLY) my klonopin. Yep, the highly addictive drug that kept me from jumping off high buildings, kept me from feeling the wires running through my body and twisting me into knots, I am finally working on the goal of eliminating it from my life. It is only possible because I’ve lessened the anxiety in my life, and learned to cope with what is left. So on Sunday I took only 3/4 s of my dose (yes I have the permission of my pdoc). Next week I will take it down to 1/2 and as long as everything keeps going well, I will be done by Christmas and no longer addicted. My gods that is such a relief.

As I was walking out of work tonight I was thinking about the sermon that our Minister had given last Sunday. No, I was not there, but a friend was. She told me that he talked about the word “disabled” and what it means at its roots, as well as what we do when we label people that.

I could be considered, because of bipolar to be “dis - abled”. My son certainly fits the bill. But what does that mean? “Dis” - the opposite of, in opposition to; “Abled” - capable, fit…

I certainly don’t see my self as the definition of that word. And I don’t think I would see any one else as that either. As Kirk apparently spoke to, we each have gifts and weaknesses. We are all able, and disable to do different things in our lives. It is what makes us human, and helps us learn and grow. It is what gives variety. So why when it is a physical, sometimes visible thing, does that make us suddenly less capable than others.

Why do we have to have labels, categories, reasons, barriers, separations, walls, hatred, prejudice, fear…

Why do we separate ourselves on opposite sides of things, feeling all the differences and none of the sameness? I don’t know. But I know that it makes for a lonely life…

I am glad I no longer stand alone and that I have found people I love, and love the people I’m with.

This email was in my inbox this morning:

Dear Saphyre,

dropping knowledge is delighted to inform you that your question has been chosen to be asked at the first Table of Free Voices in Berlin, Germany this Saturday, September 9. Your question - Where does the line between personal freedom and social responsibility towards the common good fall? Who gets to decide? - was chosen from among thousands as one of the most compelling and socially relevant of our time.

On that day, 112 visionaries from around the world will take their seats at the Table in historic Bebelplatz square. Each will have the opportunity to answer your question and 99 others during six hours of questioning. Their responses, recorded by individual cameras and microphones, will be published in an unprecedented audiovisual archive, freely accessible to all at http://www.droppingknowledge.org.

Two moderators, American actor Willem Dafoe and Nigerian activist Hafsat Abiola, will read the questions aloud for the participants and audience in Bebelplatz. Because we are curious about the stories behind the questions, we’d love to find out some more details about the people who asked the questions.

We write now in the hopes that you might like to tell us a little more about yourself and why you asked the question. Any information you feel comfortable providing will be highly appreciated.

Of course, you are more than welcome to attend the event in Bebelplatz on September 9. If you do decide to, please let me know and I’ll make sure you are welcomed as a guest.

As time is of the essence, we appreciate it when you respond with answers to the above questions as soon as possible. More information about the project is available at http://www.droppingknowledge.org. 

Yours faithfully,

Debbi Rogers
Question Editor

I am very proud to have been chosen as one of the relevant questions.  I encourage you to support the project and listen to the 112 speakers answer thought provoking questions on topics of global importance all being webcast.  Please check it out.

Technorati Tags: Droppingknowlege, questions, personal freedom

As I read other’s blogs, something that I have on my to-do list daily, but that has been remarkably lax the last couple weeks, there are so many things being written that spur ideas that I can barely catalog them long enough to not get completely overwhelmed.  So much to say both from what I’m reading and from my own experiences of the last couple weeks.  I can’t even figure out where to start. 

First of all, I added an icon to my side bar - you know over there on the right.  It’s for the Carnival of Bipolars.  An interesting concept of hosted Bipolar blogs originated by Joel at Pax Nortona , each mentioned for a particular blog entry having to do with one topic or another.  I was very honored to have been featured for my post on music and it’s affect on mood.  This is a particular thing for me, as I have noticed all my life that music is key to my mood, amplifying whatever mood I happen to be in, and in some cases, it can dangerously push me over the edge.  I have to monitor that because the music I tend to like makes me descend if I’m already headed there.  If I’m manic it pushes me to the edge as well.  I know certain songs, for example, will make me drive fast and recklessly.  Anyway I was very honored.  Please check it out.  There is a tremendous amount of supportive material there.

My second plug is for the atrocity of war.  I have a blog I read that is an insider’s personal view of the effects of the Iraq occupation on herself and her family.  It is enough to make me cry on a regular basis.  War is not the pictures we see in the media, it is not the altruistic work of "freeing" people.  In fact, if anything it is clear that in Iraq the people are more oppressed now that under Hussein.  Please visit Baghdad Burning and read for yourself the real truth behind war.

I wrote last night about panic attacks.  I think that mostly I am feeling that it sucks to be bipolar.  On the one hand, since it is chemical, stupid things affect it so easily.  At a base level, every single thing controlled by our brain is the electrical inducement of some chemical reaction.  Therefore all the things that happen to us, every impression, every feeling, every thought have potential to whack us out of balance.  For females (and maybe males - although I cannot claim to be privy to their monthly rhythms without sounding sexist and so therefore am observing only my own female experience) this includes the pretty radical cycle of hormones associated with the month long repetition of our bodies preparing to create babies.  I’m sorry but my baby factory is closed and I’d really like to get off the roller coaster now.  I can tell where I am in my month by the way I’m feeling, which I have to say is improvement from NOT knowing why I was so aware of things and that my moods seemed to be so out of control.  Now I know that the week before my period I get FINE (yes you know - fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional).  I realize that the reason I have panic attacks like the one I talked about last night, or feel that stupid irrational fear that people only like me because they either don’t know me or feel sorry for me (I alternate between which one) are because of the raging hormones filling my body with fluid so that it can support a parasitic life form that I will not put there ever again.  Can I just be done with this already? 

Then of course, it’s not just that week.  Two weeks in I also have the opposite.  Most bipolars deal with a sex thing - over sexual I think is one of the terms.  I only get this when I am ovulating (another really stupid thing for my body to do at this point).  Now I know that this is a biological response as well - that lots of women who have no mental illness whatsoever become very interested in sex at this point in their cycle.  I actually conceived my 3rd child because I knew just when to have sex in an otherwise sexless marriage.  But for me now, I get the feeling that I want to go stand on a street corner several times a night… not that I have.  I do have control of my urges (thank goodness) but it’s still an uncomfortable feeling.  In short it sucks.  Of course, I don’t know that my boyfriend minds… I actually haven’t asked him.

I took this week off between jobs, because even though my other job was simply a part time work at home thing, and I have had the summer off from school, I haven’t really had much time off except for a weekend or holiday here and there since November of 2004.  Of course, I have this whole week stretching in front of me, with nothing to do.  Oh there are lots of things I COULD do.  But all the time is overwhelming me.  As is the stress of starting out in a new "real" job, one where I don’t know many of the people, or the product I’ll be supporting.  There’s the added bonus of living up to the expectations that B has of me, and has conveyed to his bosses who then hired me on his rec.  He says to not worry about it, but one of my biggest fears in life has always been disappointing those I care about.  Sucks.  Sucks rocks.

So as this week looms I find myself glued to the computer.  I used to read for hours/days on end, now I spend my time locked to the computer, sometimes just sitting there wondering what to do next.  Writing this rambling post would be an example.  Lots of strange unconnected bits all patched together rambling on.  I wanted something meaningful to say, but my head is just not very together right now.  However, in the interest of becoming more coherent, and dealing with the anxiety of the new job thing, I’ve made a pledge to myself to write more frequently, at least once a day - and goddess knows there are tons of things to write about so I should be able to accomplish at least that one goal.  And certainly that is a good thing because once  I plunge into the worlds of school and new job, I will be struggling to write anything at all.  Many of you may even think I’ve gone away.  But it will just be me struggling to find the time to do some writing.  To cleanse my soul.  To bare things to the world and exercise my demons.  After all, isn’t that why we write?

Technorati Tags: Bipolar, Mood swings, Periods and mental illness, Iraq, Carnival of Bipolar Blogs, Writing

Have you forgotten about New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina?

Chocolate city - we are here to stay

dropping knowledge shot Chocolate City »we are here to stay« in New Orleans on January 31, 2006, 155 days after Katrina hit. Residents of the Lower Ninth Ward and Chalmette, two destroyed areas, tell how they have survived without promised help from the U.S. government. Chocolate City features the Common Ground Collective, an NGO in the Ninth Ward that provides relief and organizes against government efforts to take over homes, especially in Black-owned areas.

I wanted to actually PUT the video in my blog [HERE] but I seem to have failed on understanding the coding when it comes to a movie that isn’t a wmv file, which is the only snippet of code I’ve got. In spite of the fact that I have looked and looked for code for QT (will play all of the links below) it just doesn’t seem to be happening and I’m tired. So please follow the link and view the film. You will be horrified.

Chocolate City, Quicktime Format

Hurricane season is again upon us, and New Orleans still lies in ruins.  Most of the city is deserted, the hardy who stay there fit a daily battle to make a living and to continue with their lives.  Many people see this and become outraged that this is happening in the States.  For me, I am just outraged that this can be ignored anywhere on the planet.  Yes, it is different here, and just like friends of mine who insist that 911 should never have happened on American soil, we seem to assume that we have the divine right to avoid all the natural and unnatural acts that face the rest of the world everyday.  But certainly, Shrub and company see fit to just quietly ignore the terrible tragedy going on. 

Do you realize that there were close to ONE MILLION people in New Orleans pre Katrina?  Those people lived there all there lives, many of them in houses that had been passed down for generations.  My own ex (#1) was born and raised there and until just a short time ago, his entire extended family still lived on the same block where his mother (now in her late 60s) grew up.  That entire neighborhood had lived together for years and years.  The same was true all over the city.

What people don’t realize, or maybe are so willing to forget is that this was worse than 911.  These folks lost not only their work, and many of them their lives (last count was over 1000 in New Orleans alone so it’s approaching the scale simply by a count of the dead).  But the real tragedy was that it isn’t just their lives, or work.  They lost their homes, their neighborhoods, their schools, their surroundings, all of their belongings, beloved pets, family treasures.  Then they lived for weeks in a hell that had no boundaries. 

Help if you can:

Emergency Communities
Katrina and Rita Aid
Katrina Help Info
Habitat for Humanity Work
Another bunch of organization links

Is this any more tragic then what happens every day in other parts of the world?  No.  It’s not.  But it serves a reminder that our government doesn’t distinguish between the poor in other countries and the poor here at home. After watching this film, can you truly sit by and do nothing else?  To remain like a quiet sheep, going to work, coming home, eating your supper, and feeling like we’re cleansing the world of a horrible evil?

Or maybe instead of war we should be tending to the millions and millions of people who live tragedy every day.  Who are so shell shocked they can no longer function, or if they do it is a mechanical will to live, without joy or meaning.

If you can’t at least help to make a change by exercising what the government claims to be fighting for.  Our right to make choices about who leads us.  I don’t like where they are leading… Do you?

Technorati Tags: Disasters, Katrina, Tragedy, Chocolate City

Since I work on the computer in the early mornings, and we take few calls, leaving me tied to a computer with nothing to do (I used to study while I was in school) I spend my mornings reading what others have to say for their days on lots of different blogs I’ve bookmarked.  I always find something to think about, and I’m glad I get the chance to do it.  Gives me a perspective for the day, something to think about.  Today was no exception.  One of the blogs I enjoy reading is Time for Your Meds.  Today when I was reading I saw the following excerpt from an entry on June 1st:

My point here is this: Every single teenager you know, whether it’s your own child or someone else’s child, can take one of two paths: They can take the straight path or they can take the psychedelic highway (which is the road I was traveling that night when I was puking out the window). And the thing is this–when a smart, intelligent child with very few options meets with failure time and time again through no fault of his or her own, he or she will eventually give up, and decide to take that psychedelic path. Sure, it’ll be fun for a while…but sooner or later, she will end up on my unit and when I ask her what happened she will say, "My Aunt’s cheap ass blogger friends wouldn’t send me to Washington and I became a crack addict!" "I lost my dreams. I lost my soul."

This is so true.  Not that my daughter is necessarily going down the psychedelic highway, but she did go from having dreams of going to UCLA and having a career to really not having plans and not knowing what to do with herself now after graduating HS this May.  She isn’t getting ready to go to college like some of her classmates.  She doesn’t have a job.  And she thinks that partying is the best thing ever.

Made me sad really.  The post above was asking for donations to help a teenager go on a trip to DC.  Follow the link, and if she still needs help and you can do it - do so.  A mind really is a terrible thing to waste.

Technorati Tags: Teenagers, Help, Trip to DC

"dropping knowledge is a global initiative to turn apathy into activity. By hosting an open conversation on the most pressing issues of our times, we will foster a worldwide exchange of viewpoints, ideas and people-powered solutions."

Check it out

If one of the lost benefits of the web is to unite and inform the world community, then sites like the above should be written about, publicized and shared with every one on the web.  Life is about asking questions and seeking the answers.  Sometimes there are no answers, but the search is the important thing.  Without a quest for continual growth, and that growth being in the acquisition of knowledge, and the asking of deep meaningful questions, what are we here for?  How can we change what we see and don’t like without questioning it in the first place. 

I commonly, and derogatorily refer to average Americans as sheep.  The ones who wake up, live responsibly within a boring job, go home, make dinner, sit in front of the television and fall asleep.  On the weekends they dutifully wash the car, work in the yard, chauffeur the kids to various activities.  Sundays they dutifully go to church because all of that is what good citizens do.  But they are dead inside.  They’ve stopped questioning, stopped thinking.  Other words to describe them sometimes  include "the once born", or the general populace.  But it all refers back to the dull meaningless lives most people live.  Sure, they donate to the local charity, and maybe they do good works through their church.  But rarely, if ever, do I find someone who seeks out challenge, who looks for meaning in what is around them.  That is what it means to be alive.

I asked a question.  We’ll see if it gets posted.  If it does - I’ll write about it.  If it doesn’t I’ll write about it later.  Tonight was already such a good night that finding this website just created more happiness.

Go on - look it up.  You’ll be glad you did.

Technorati Tags: Questions, Politics, Philosophy, World events

Earlier I wrote the post below, and since then have been reading in other blogs and other sources regarding statistics and casualties of war. In order to really drive the point home about the idiocy of our government trying Hussein for 149 deaths, look at the following for current figures on the death toll directly caused by the invasion of Iraq by the U.S. Media Memorial Day

From Yahoo news today (excerpt):

 In Baghdad’s heavily guarded Green Zone, Saddam and seven co-accused returned to court to face charges of crimes against humanity in the killings of 149 Shi’ites in the early 1980s.

His defense team sought to tear a hole in the case against him, saying 10 people out of 148 said to have been killed after an attempt on his life were still alive 24 years later.

I got the link to the news from a blog I’ve started reading by someone living inside Iraq.  I have a real problem with our government going into other countries and telling them what to do.  Our judeo-christian heritage seems to include the belief that our way is the only way; that we have the right to tell other countries to have a certain type of government, law, customs or dress.  Hidden in the agenda of course is the implied fact that their religion should be changed as well.  Bush was certainly not slipping when he mentioned the Crusades in his early speeches regarding the middle east and terrorism.  His only real slip was letting that out in front of the public.  But even then a great deal of the country agreed with him.  The above sentences to me seem absolutely ludicrous.  Not that I am in any way saying that Hussein was a good man, a person who was worthy of any sort of respect.  He terrorized his own people and did terrible things.  But how do compare the numbers above with the numbers killed since the US started this debacle? 

And just exactly what is it that makes our country feel justified in telling other cultures what to do when our own country is struggling?  Our poverty, infant mortality, drug use, violent crime, education and health care issues are all RED.  We have many things broken in this country (except of course big business, which as usual is doing just fine screwing the middle class and wrecking havoc on the lower class).  How could we possibly presume to push a broken system on another country. 

Read the whole article.  The number of kidnapped and dead, according to that article is already close to what they are numbering above on Saddam’s head.  In one day! And that with the nod from the US. 

I’m ashamed to be American.  I can’t believe the country that our forefathers formed, based on freedom, feels completely justified in killing, maiming, torturing and tearing down governments where ever there is a business interest.  We are truly a nation of thugs and thieves.  It is time to wake up, stop the killing and take back our country and our constitution.  Not voting is agreement.  Register and participate.  Let’s stop this.

Technorati Tags: Politics, War, Iraq, News

True patriotism hates injustice in its own land more than anywhere else.
-Clarence Darrow

I think this sums up my feelings about involving ourselves in politics of the world more than anything else. I must admit I am torn. The humanist in me looks at injustice in the world, and feels that as the most powerful nation in the world we have a responsibility to do something about it.

However, what about the millions of children in our borders that suffer hunger and poverty? Do we not have a responsibility to first take care of them? Besides that, the acts of the US towards “helping” other countries, whether covert or otherwise, always come with a price tag, and rarely take into account the real needs of the people. We burst onto the scene believing that OUR way is the best way, and forget the reason behind the action in the first place. I am not a separatist, but I must say that for some European countries, it has worked to make them much more focused on their own people.

As Christ said, “Remove the plank from your own eye first”. Good advice. Stuff that as a supposedly Christian nation (which I gag just thinking about) we certainly do not follow. Perhaps it’s time to stop trying to fix everyone else, and look to ourselves -