Ravings of a BiPolar Gothic Witch
     Occasional commentary, observations and tidbits as well as other random thoughts

I have been told on more than one occasion, for several years and by several different people that I overthink things. Recently, I shared that with the new guy in my life and he laughed. Hard. I guess he agreed. It’s not that it surprises me when I hear it, or that he agrees completely. It’s just that I am struggling with the whole concept. On the one hand I have an analytical mind - I mean I am growing up to be a scientist - how could I do so without being very thoughtful and contemplative. Add curiosity, introspection and perfectionism to that and you have me.

I’m not completely unhappy with that, it is the way I’ve been as long as I can remember, and frankly it’s saved my ass many more times than I care to count. As in all areas of my life I hit a dichotomy there You would think with those qualities that I would be quiet with my thoughts until thinking things through. However, I am not that way, partially because the thinking takes not only thoughtfulness, but writing and talking out loud, and sometimes (frequently) even sleeping.

Yes, my brain still works things out while I am sleeping. Some of the biggest work problems I have get solved in my sleep. Some of the deepest insights I have had into emotional work I’m doing are in the mornings. So turning my brain off is not a simple task, since it works hard even when I am asleep. I have never been able to even start to comprehend the possibility of not having thought - when people claim they are not thinking of anything at all.

However, on the other side of this is the fact that analysing things has brought me a great deal of stress and unhappiness. I certainly ran intellectual circles around all the bad that happened in my life growing up so I never felt it. Then I ran the same circles around my therapists who wanted me to work on those same feelings. Only a few therapists have been successful at breaking me of that - and thus therapy hasn’t been very effective.

I try to see all points of view, and understand all that happens to me, and always have to ask the “WHY” of things, when even intellectually on a conceptual level I understand that for most things there is no why. But I’ve based my life, my faith, my worth, everything on rational thought out reasons. I am comfortable there. So when interacting with others, when there is so much that really has no answer in a why?, I keep coming at the question in different ways trying to work it out like a puzzle. Like an experiment that has a conclusion one way or another. When I can’t figure it out from one angle, I try another. As I get more information I change my reasoning based on new data. Sometimes, I even change myself to fit more of the picture I see emerging so that I can fit in, be who I need to be. I give up my identity to allow myself a rational answer to things that are not rational. Yep, fuck myself up and over…

Self knowlege is only a good thing if you can put it to use by changing what you don’t want. I don’t want the stress of having to figure everything out anymore. But I don’t know how to turn off my brain from needing that information. After all, when someone asks me why I want to study physics I answer that I want to understand the universe. I think most people think I am joking, but I’m not. I truly do. And yes, I have that much ego given enough room to let it out. But I can’t even really give answers to the “whys” in my own life… And trying hurts me. It keeps me from being grateful for all that I have.

Ok, even this is overthought out. But I’m working on it…

Ok, so it’s been much too long since I’ve written. Thanks to all of you who faithfully kept coming back to check on me. I’m ok. I’ve just had lots of stuff going on, besides which for a while there I felt like i couldn’t write. I write about stuff going on in my life, and when the major “going on” has to do with the boyfriend you’ve given your url to, well there are issues. Lesson learned. Until I know I”m mated forever, my boyfriend/lover/friends will not read my blog. Period. Bad idea. It stiffled me and kept me from doing my usual rambling way of working things out in front of the whole anonymous world.

But as you can tell I’m back so obviously things have changed. We finally called it like it is and went back to being friends who date occasionally. We were never really more, although for a bit there I think there might have been a chance. It got squashed, first by him, and then most definitely by me. It culminated over the holidays in a couple of very big misunderstandings making me realize that this just was not working. Really, I was just stating out loud what we were living out. We barely talked during the week, had no commitments to doing anything or even seeing each other on the weekends. Those are not the ways of people who are dating, let alone in a relationship. This was, I think, fine with him. It was not for me.

In the end, he summed it up well. I want someone to be in love with me. And I do. But there is so much more and that would be another example of not being in the same world as him. I love him to death but we just don’t live in the same reality. I don’t just want to have someone in love with me. I want to be in love. I want to be romantic and silly. I want to go out and stay in. I want to talk for hours about philosophy and spend the night dancing in a club. I want to ride on the back of his bike. I want him to tell me I’m beautiful and mean it. I want him at my side when we’re together somewhere. I want to be part of a set… As I wrote to a friend, I want a knight in shining armour, not to rescue me, but to match the Queen that I am inside.

So I’m back - finally. Back to myself. Back to being alone (although again in reality - it is no different than last week - just the perception of what it was versus reality). I’m only as alone as I want to be. And I don’t want to be. I’m inviting lots of friends into my life. I have lots of people I love to be with. And I’m happy that way. And I know he’s out there. Looking for me just like I am looking for him. We’ll bump into each other soon…

Report on the klonopin: failed. Miserably. Too much stress, likely due to B and I as well as the holidays… maybe some time later. For now I’m back on the full dosage. I got down fine to 1/4 dose (1/2 a pill a day) and then completely felt freaked out. It was affecting my entire life; work, home, family, friends. Once I realized that I just went back on it for now. I have time and I will leave it behind at some point.

Another news flash: I did something that definitely is one of the top 5 events in my life over the holidays. M and S both went to New Orleans over Christmas break. I took vacation. For those of you not in Denver, we have been dumped with snow. Repeatedly. Ad naseaum. Well the 2nd storm was rolling in, I was on vacation with no children (gods that almost NEVER happens) and there I was about to be stuck in the house. So I booked a plane for San Francisco, and escaped. I spent 3 full days and 4 nights in the beautiful city I love. And remembered that I loved it even more than I remembered… I could spend forever there and not get full. Haight-Ashbury, Fisherman’s Wharf, Golden Gate, Chinatown, Japantown, Market Street, it was amazing and wonderful. And I want to go again. I took tons of photos. I had so much fun. I was by myself in a huge city that I love doing whatever I wanted however I wanted whenever I wanted. And I felt so much better coming back. It was like I was a different person.

So hello everyone. I survived. I am here. I am writing again. I have so many things in my head to write so I’ll be back often again now that I have time.

The last 2 nights have really been nice, weird but nice. Mr. Ex is in town, visiting our son. M is delighted, walking on air, happier than a pig in mud. That is a delight to me. Dealing with Mr. Ex is not such a delight. But on the other hand he doesn’t push my buttons the way he used to. And that doesn’t mean he doesn’t try. He’s still controlling and pushy. I just don’t get triggered.

But that is becoming a theme for me. I’m watching to see when I get “triggered”. Then I look at it, as dispassionately as I can, and figure out what it is that is causing the feelings. After all, in the end, it is me and me alone, who is responsible for my reactions, my feelings, and my actions, even if I feel like someone has pushed my buttons.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last week. I have watched as my reactions to people, both positive and negative said everything about me, and nothing about what that person was doing. After all, we can bang our head up against a wall forever and make no dent in that wall. It makes quite a dent in the head however, and I for one am tired of walking around with a headache.

The other thing that I am learning to do is sit back and watch actions instead of listening to words. This is not just from others. I’ve been watching myself to see the divergence of the walk I walk and the talk I talk. And there is a difference. And to tell the truth, I didn’t realize it. So combined with the commitment not to keep trying to force myself through walls, I have a renewed commitment to take care of myself. As much as I yearn for a relationship where the feelings are mutual, and where we walk the same path, it doesn’t mean that I can or would want to force another into that view, any more than they can force me into theirs. But that said, there is a way to look inside myself, and decide for myself to accept what is offered, for what it is, and just be there.

What does that all mean? Well, for one I am really clear that the views that B and I share about what we are, what we mean to each other, and even in some ways who the other person is, are definitely not in alignment. So, the choice then becomes for me to look at what is happening, and decide if I can accomodate that within myself. And the overwhelming answer for now is yes. Can I pull back, accept that we live our own lives and that we will see each other if it happens, and if not that I have others in my life whom I love and love me? Yeah because of the friends I have built in the last couple years. Do I need love? Yes. Do I need to feel special and valued? Most definitely yes. Does it have to be from B? No. And that is where I slipped. My expectations of what I thought our relationship was caused me to expect him to give me more than he can, or maybe is willing, to do. And I can either accept that, or walk away.

Since we were friends before, and since I’ve come back to a place of knowing that I need to take care of myself and my family, I can be in that place. It’s not a hanging on for anything he wants to give, and it’s not even an ambivalence. Truthfully, I hope we see each other frequently. But I’m not going to be heartbroken that he doesn’t share his life with me. And in cases where I’ve given him the control over things or groups where I have earned my own place, and expected him to advocate for me or introduce me, well that was just stupid on my part. I can represent myself. I have a voice, I have value, and it doesn’t have to come from him. And in that vein, I’ve taken that power back and stepped up to walk into those circles on my own, or through other people who actually welcome the opportunity for me to join. In the end, they don’t see those things as “theirs” and so are not threatened by my wanting to join. And I’m relieved to say, that by giving up that expectation that HE would want to have me a part of those things, that I can also detach from any pain that was caused when I didn’t get what I expected. He can have the control over those things for himself, but I have a place of my own, and I am claiming it.

Where does that all lead? Peace, relief, understanding, ease, comfort. I no longer have expectations, and therefore I no longer can be disappointed. I have detached and therefore cannot be hurt. I still care a great deal for him, but have stepped back into my own life. What will he do with that? I don’t know. From his actions that is completely what he wants. But the couple of times I have tried to explain it he has freaked a little. So maybe it’s ok to him to have the control for himself - but when I take mine back he realizes that it doesn’t fit with the model of what it means to be in a relationship that has deeper meaning than a casual dating thing. I really don’t know. As I said, I am dented enough… I’ve learned my lesson. I have given up the oar, I will not row against the current any more. Life is a path. When we try to force it to go the way we want we end up lost in the wilds and brambles. I’ve been scratched and battered, but have found my own path again. And ultimately, that means things are good. For everyone. Where that path leads is unknown, but once again I am at peace following it as it shows in front of me.

Well another week has passed by. It was certainly not a good week. But I’m coping and things are ok. Mark is out of the hospital, and was happier today than I’ve seen him in weeks.

Work was the craziest it’s been for me. There were a lot of people out, and I had to take tickets that I had no clue how to do. But I managed.

One of the hardest things I have had to do ever I did again, and for the final time, last night. K has had a rough time. It is clear that her illness is raging and/or she’s doing drugs. I found out that she’d been mean to Mark. She doesn’t have the motivation to get a job, or to get help. She doesn’t follow rules. And I had given her a deadline. In spite of my hopes that my changes would help her find a path, she got worse and our house had become chaotic and stressful again. So last night I told her to leave. Ironically, it was easier this time. It is not at all that I don’t love her. But she’s 19 and old enough to take responsibility for her life. Maybe this will force her to. And maybe it won’t. But I’m not in a position to have an influence on that when she doesn’t want any influence, but just wants to party and do nothing else. So she is gone. Will she come back into my life? Maybe. I don’t know. I do know that she desperately needs help and until she really gets it, I can’t have her in our lives in any kind of meaningful way. Sad? of course. But it was the right thing to do for all of us.

And B? I just don’t know. We talked some last night, and his comment “I’m talking now aren’t I” indicates that he hasn’t given up and is walking away. But that is about all I can say. The conversation basically ended with me saying that if wanted to see me to let me know, and otherwise I guessed we would just talk when we did. And there was no reply to that. And I have no idea what he is doing tonight, or this weekend. And so I’m making my own plans. I guess I’m back to dating. I have no claims on him, and he none on me. I don’t even know now if I’m going to the wedding for Nat & Alan (from the club). We’ll see. I wanted to go. I would have liked to go for a ride this weekend, but when I told him it would be nice it was not offered. I guess we’ve gone back to being friends. I don’t know. But I’m not holding out any hope of anything else. Things will work out how they are supposed to. Again, sad? Of course. But I will live.

Enough said for the night I guess.

Technorati Tags: Relationships

The bottom line to the title… I don’t know. I talked about (in some earlier post) a conflict that came up because of me joining the group that the riding club I’m a part of through B caused between he and I. It forced us to try to have conversations about our relationship prematurely, before we were ready; it cornered him into feeling he had to make a place for me by “declaring” me; and it made me feel bad because I walked away not sure of what was going on with us or where we are/were.

Through hours of hell of talking, we reached a level place, and what felt like a compromise. Something within the rules of the club, yet not really used, and I would be declared. Not as someone who is looked at as a permanent person in his life, but not as one of the club “groupies”. Yet that has been a month ago now and still I remain undeclared, not really an entity in the group. Last night it hit me the hardest when he took the time to in a big way welcome other friends of his to the group. It made my absence painfully clear at least to me. I did a lot of thinking about it over that time. My initial response in the beginning was when it created such a problem that I would just withdraw. B didn’t want me to. Yet, looking back over that time, I can see that for him it just wasn’t that important. If it had been he would have made some room for it in his schedule. I’m not angry or anything. It’s not really a judgement. It’s just an observation. We do the things that are important to us. I could interpret that to be many things, and while thinking about it over the last week, I certainly have gone through phases. But it doesn’t have to mean anything. It just is.

Another thing that happened is that he asked me to go to a party last Saturday night (well 2 now). Cool. I was really looking forward to it. And then I get there and I find out that he has also asked a mutual friend to go with us, to dinner before and then the party. Meaning she was riding with us, and we would have to follow her time schedule as well about leaving. This is the friend who was the backseat in the riding club before me, and who I really have bonded with in so many ways. It wasn’t so much that I minded her coming along. But I wasn’t even asked. He just invited her. I think maybe I’ve done the same thing but I’m pretty sure I’ve either asked or at the very least told him I was planning on having Mel come along before hand. It kind of hurt. It felt like he doesn’t want to be alone with me. Or that R has to be a part of most of our activities. I guess there is some jealousy there. Most of the time I really see no difference in the way he treats her, or his expectations of her. Other than they don’t sleep together and I have the first pick of being on the back of his bike. So yeah, I guess I’m jealous because I don’t feel special. It’s like she’s always there.

Then there was the night in the hospital. For whatever reason, even though I talked to him first on the way home to get M to take to the hospital, completely freaked out, distraught, crazy and unable to cope, he really didn’t have much to say. And then in spite of me trying desperately to reach him from 6 pm until almost midnight, he never called to check on me. Instead Mel and R stepped up to help where and how they could help. That was good on many levels. The first was it was a kick in the ass to remember my friends are there. They rallied around me. But the second was to realize that I really am seeing too much in our relationship. That it had been more to me than to him. There are certainly other possibilities. Another friend, Sally reassured me that are multitudes of reasons, most of them totally unrelated to me, that would make that happen. And she’s likely right. I have no real feelings one way or another about that either.

So where does that leave me? Well mostly sad. Last night I made the decision that I would take matters in my own hands about the group. The only two real choices that are there for me for that are to either stay where I was, which felt like limbo, and just accentuated the fact that he had been forced into making a decision/declaration that he didn’t want to do and was therefore sort of avoiding it. That hurt to begin with and continued to as time went on. Or I could just leave the group and it becomes a non issue. Obviously that is what I chose. Better to just have it done with. Yet when I told him last night on IM, he really didn’t have anything to say. And in fact although he asked me why, he didn’t really say anything. And finally when I just said that I was sorry because I had apparently pissed him off, he signed off and didn’t even say goodnight. Now THAT really hurt. I thought we could talk about things. And maybe we will, but when I tried to say anything about it today, again I got complete silence with no acknowledgement that I had said anything. I have no idea what that means. I do know I won’t bring it up again.

And so for me I’m really feeling down tonight about that. Because now we’ve stepped back. He originally said something in the whole mess of things about putting on the brakes. And I guess that that is what has happened. Because I am back to asking if he wants to do anything. I no longer take for granted that we will spend time together on the weekend, or that he will want me along on a ride or at an event. And based on his responses today, not only is he completely ok with the retreat, and that we will likely not be spending nearly as much time together. And while I’m rationally ok with that, my heart hurts. I wanted to have something deeper. I know that it could be. I feel that way, or at least felt that way until this week when I have felt myself back down. I know that I just can’t keep my heart out there -

And truthfully the last couple weekends together have been different. I have really wanted to spend some time just us, and expressed it to him. No time has been made for that. It looks unlikely I will see him this weekend. So here we are again, at for what feels to me like the beginning again. Me wondering where the boundaries are, what the limits are, giving him his freedom, seeing if he comes back to wanting to initiate things. Up until now I had said he was my boyfriend. But I guess we are truly just dating.

And I need to let it be that way. I don’t want to be the only one who wants this.

So yeah, I’m sad. To me, stepping back instead of forward does not seem to promise much.

Technorati Tags: Relationships

Just before class. I have just a couple minutes to write. Lately that feels like my life - moments in between “gotta dos”. But the truth is, I am so happy to have a job, and I still love school, and I actually am committed to having a social life this year (last year I didn’t go out the ENTIRE school year - boy did that make me a dull person)! So being busy is just going to be part of my life. When you enter my kids and household into the equation… well it could make a person exhausted!

So this last weekend, had a wonderful time. Saturday we took a ride with the club up to Evergreen, and then from there through Golden Gate Canyon - a beautiful twisty scenic ride. It was a little cold, especially up in the mountains, but I dressed for it and it was in the sunshine (no rain like a couple weeks ago!). Then Sunday was the annual community BBQ to raise money for the community charity (as B likes to say - and it is so true - we do take care of our own). There were lots of folks there, people I hadn’t seen in a long time, people I didn’t expect to see, people that I love to see! And some of the riding club showed up as a sort of “cross promotion/support” thing which was really fun too.

And on top of it all just getting some down time - spending Sat evening just watching a movie, spending most of Saturday during the day with M (even if it was running all over town doing errands). S spent the entire weekend up in the mountains with a church YRUU campout - froze his you know what off - good grief it gets so cold so early here - and so the house was pretty quiet. K spent most of the weekend with her new boyfriend - even her best friend felt a bit slighted. So it was fairly quiet at the house.

And now here I am waiting for class to start. At least today at work I not only got to start working on the lab system that I installed (and apparently have quite adequately already hosed up - yes that is a technical term - ask any geek) but it looks like tomorrow I may actually get to do a little REAL work… YEAH! Doing nothing but reading documentation starts to get a little boring. It’s a good team for the most part. People work hard (they have to - the work load is insane) and they try to work together and help one another.

And I got my very first paycheck last Friday - a VERY big deal. I drove home to check the mail on Friday to see if it was there, and when I put it in my hands I started to shake. It lasted about 2 hours. It felt mostly like a sugar drop, but even after I ate it persisted. So I finally figured out that it was likely my body letting go of all the stress I had held in and held together against over the last several months. It was draining out of my body. After it finished I really felt good.

My life is in a good spot - and yep - looking at last week’s entries - well there is a reason they call ‘em mood SWINGS…

In the last few days I have had the privilege twice now to read well written essays on the memories of childhood.  One was a little too country for me and a bit before my time, and one was British so there was quite a bit I couldn’t identify specifically by name, but I understood the sentiment.  So here is my own attempt.  If it resonates in you, I encourage you to step back from the day to day worries about our adult lives and spend some real time remembering:

• TV was 3 channels and you had to adjust the rabbit ears differently for each one and you knew you had stayed up REALLY late because the national anthem came on when the station went off
• The beginning of school meant the smell of chalk dust and new shoes
• Summer meant staying out all day and playing tag or hide and seek in the twilight, swimming all day, and no routine
• Catching lightning bugs in a jar
• Rolling in the grass and gazing at the stars, wondering what was out there without having the manufactured images from bigger than life movies
• The scariest thing in your life was going home with a letter from school
• Guns were something you saw on TV in cowboy movies
• No one went out to eat unless you got the treat of a McDonald’s happy meal
• Cartoons before a movie instead of commercials
• Not knowing how that first kiss would feel but knowing you wanted it more than anything in the world
• Boy/Girl cooties (pass it on…)
• Talking to animals and knowing they talked back to you or at least listened
• The first real rock song you heard and loved
• Transistor radios and having your very own even if it only got AM stations
• Black and white television
• 5 cent candy bars, and being bummed when they went to 10 cents
• The smell of sunlight and the feel of prickly fresh cut grass
• A storm coming in
• Days feeling like they could be filled with anything and summers that lasted forever
• Gasoline always pumped by the 17 year old high school kid
• The feeling of flying when you rode your bike as fast as you could down the biggest hill in town
• The magic of taking your first picture and seeing life captured for eternity
• Your first girl/boy party
• Everyone knowing who you were, especially if you were somewhere you weren’t supposed to be
• A refrigerator cardboard box
• Secret hiding places
• Sneaking a cigarette
• Praying hard for so much snow that the electricity went out so you could play in it instead of walk to school in it
• The best birthday party you ever had was because you parents allowed you to have friends over to the house instead of just family
• Playing cards on a cold winters night
• Saturday morning cartoons:  Johnny Quest, Kookla, Fran & Ollie, Puff & Stuff, The Magic Window
• Walking home from school for lunch
• Christmas shows that we could only see once a year
• Pride and fear of your first period
• Walking to school regardless of the weather, and only riding the bus if you lived in the country and even when you were a Senior
• Running until you ran out of breath, laughing until you couldn’t breathe
• Converse tennis shoes that were the ugliest things in the world and you had to wear if you played basketball
• The biggest events of a week were the high school sport events
• Any adult could ask for your help to carry groceries, feed you, or tell you no and you didn’t think about it and neither did they
• Your first boyfriend and figuring out the bases.. and whether you really wanted to go there
• Your first heartbreak
• A cold 16 oz glass bottle of soda pop
• Your high school graduation and KNOWING you had the world figured out
• Having no real idea of what poor or rich meant because all of your friends were the same and none of you did anything that required money
• Going barefoot all summer
• Your first real job (where they actually paid you for doing something - usually something no one else wanted to do - like walking beans)
• Not only seeing the flowers by the road, but stopping and actually picking one or two
• Dandelions held under your chin to see if you would get married
• Deciding your true love’s name by twisting the stem of an apple
• The first time you drove a real car
• County fairs with the mysterious carnies, games that could rarely be won, cotton candy, and rides that were magic with their neon glowing in the dark
• Prom night
• The first time you made love
• Cutting through neighbor’s yards to get home from school
• Not locking the doors at night, and leaving the car in the driveway with the keys in it without worrying about it
• Easter corsages for church and lilies for the dead

Explore your childhood.  Recapture that innocence.  Try to remember what we believed then.  Maybe it’s still true..

Technorati Tags: Childhood memories

I have learned that if you have what seems to be a terrible stress induced rash, it is likely your body deciding to break out all over in excema. It’s pretty much now just located on the back of my legs and butt, but it itches really bad. I’ve also learned that I can deal with pain well, but itching makes me a cranky bitch. And finally, I have learned that when you itch really badly if you take a large pumice bar and use it in the shower to do the itching, however gingerly, it makes it stop itch and you hurt instead. And the hurt just keeps on giving. Last night in bed my left leg had the audacity to actually start to itch again and since I’ve been so stressed again all my nails were nice sharp ragged things on the ends of my fingers. My leg and my fingers had an interesting discussion for about 2 minutes, at which point I finished and got up and put more calamine on. That hurt - but it didn’t itch any more… and this is a good thing.

Technorati Tags: Excema, ItchingSkin Rash

Well this weekend seemed to be a landmark of sorts.  Going from a friendship to a relationship has been a little strange for me.  We are very strong people with busy lives and tons of places where friends and interests didn’t necessarily overlap.  Don’t get me wrong one of the benefits of having started to date a friend of a few years is that there are so many commonalities.  We work in similar professions, he is back in school, I can talk physics with him, and we have the same social circles, just with different friends.  Gradually we are sort of combining those friends, and it has been really successful.  But there have been times when communication failed (no big surprise as we both admit that in relationship this is not necessarily a strong suit - and it is certainly VERY new to me), but it never resulted in anything other than discussion.

All in all, the last couple months has been interesting.  Trying to balance natural curiosity about his life, with the need to maintain space and privacy with things that we didn’t necessarily share before.  Made me extra careful to not ask "who was that" or "what are you doing and with whom?"  It’s been a fine line, since my natural curiosity tends to want to know about people I’m interested in.  This happens even with friends, and is not necessarily tied to anything about control or jealousy but certainly in this arena it could be seen to have those motives.  And in truth, I have wanted to be with him a lot and given our busy schedules and our lives outside each other that doesn’t always manifest the way I’d like.

This weekend however, I think there was a little bit of a break through.  I certainly feel more comfortable asking questions, and I feel too that both of us opened up more and shared.  One reason is that we spent the whole weekend together and did some really fun things.  Friday night we just hung out and watched a dvd.  Saturday was an all day event with his Motorcycle riding club.  Can I just say that being involved with that is just awesome?  They are a great bunch of people, there is protocol, structure, honor, chivalry, loyalty, and a lot of fun.  It was my first ride with them, and it was just awesome.  Seeing 25-30 bikes in a caravan riding together has always given me a thrill just watching them pass.  Riding in that was amazing.  Then the party up in the mountains was a lot of fun too.  I was realizing that social interaction with groups of people you are comfortable with, and can just be yourself with is definitely something that I haven’t had a lot of, and that it is so very important.  And while I am still "outside the club" and a guest, they have made me feel very welcome and I have loved being a part of all the events.  But the ride was absolutely amazing. 

When I first met B, his bike was a big thing.  I loved to go riding.  We didn’t get to a great deal even though it is one of his biggest passions.  Now being his back seat, (sort of an honor thing), is really neat.  There is another girl who was pretty much that for him for the last several months although they were just friends.  She has been officially joined to the club and has a place of honor (unusual for a non-rider that has no partner).  I guess knowing B we should have expected it, but she and I have a great deal in common.  Both of us were pretty nervous that we wouldn’t like each other (she more than me I think).  That would have caused some tension.  But we have really had a good time, and are all sharing a room at Thunder this year, and looking forward to having some fun "plotting" against B.  Not really - she’s just teaching me to be a bit of a brat, which in turn has brought out more of the Dom in him. 

That is another thing we did this weekend.  A lot of talking and sharing about wants/needs and where we each fit into them.  The cool thing is we’re both willing to negotiate to get to a point of balance, and then agree that we can work out other ways to get the rest taken care of.  We communicate.  What a concept. 

And finally just spending some much time consecutively with him made me feel more comfortable.  And that on top of we have all next weekend.  THUNDER!  Yeah!!!  From Friday around 2 pm until Monday morning… I am not a mommy, I will be immersed in an adult environment (no kiddies even in the entire hotel) and can have fun, be carefree and just play.  Well I’m volunteering so I do have to work some - but that isn’t a big deal, not really.  I volunteered for seminars this year so I’ll just get to watch more than I might have gone to before.  Plus B worked out his schedule where he does all his work on Friday, so we’ll have the entire time (except for when I’m working).  We talked a little bit about my feelings at Thunder.  I tend to get nervous in big crowds and don’t like to do anything by myself.  As I imagine from the outside it makes me look and feel a bit clingy.  This also gets fed by a need to have a plan, be organized, know what I’m doing for the day.  And of course there is the anxiety that is all but screaming inside me right now about finances which definitely is not helping.  But all of that aside, I am truly excited about the weekend.

The more time with B that I spend, the more comfortable I get, and the happier I feel.  It’s not that he’s making me happy.  He’s a wonderful guy and treats me like a princess.  And he validates that I am doing everything in my power to survive, and that I am doing the best I can.  He is the one factor that is different now then last October (well that and my landlord having been paid - but there are some scary issues connected to that as well that I’m hoping to resolve before he ever knows).  But having him in my life, just to make me laugh, to know that I can care about him, that he cares about me and my life, makes it ok.  Takes away the edge of anxiety sometimes.  And he makes me want to be a good person, to do the very best I can.  I feel happy around him.  Not manic, not crazy, not in that hormone rush of everything else not mattering, but happy.  And that one thing has made all the difference to me. 

I’m very grateful for that in my life.

Technorati Tags: Relationships

Ok, so I didn’t write like I thought yesterday.  Mostly due to the fact that I did my work, and then got OFF the computer trying desperately not to think about the fact that I didn’t get the job.  It worked mostly.  I have friends who are keeping an eye on me and keeping me sane.  Both my boys are wonderful and give me hugs a lot. 

The day I didn’t get the job, I got another tech screen interview in the afternoon.  It went well, and we finished up that part, and then the recruiter said "I noticed you worked at [insert company name here], I wonder if my boss knows you."  So I asked her when he did work there and what his name was (the company was very small and didn’t last long… so it was pretty likely).  She said his name… uhhh - yeah he was one of my team members on my network management team…  I told her to tell him hi.  Apparently that made a difference.  I got an email early yesterday morning (less than 24 hours after the cursed event) that wanted to set up an interview ASAP.  Said ex team mate actually personally delivered my resume to this guy, and while they were in the midst of interviews already, he wanted to go ahead and put me in quickly, and get all the people he needed to be there to interview me well (i.e.:  it’s going to be a grueling tech interview).  I have it today.  Yesterday I was pretty calm about the whole thing, but this morning I woke up and anxiety has my stomach in knots, my mouth is dry, I’m trembling…  I keep doing deep breathing but you know what it’s just not working!  Not to mention I apparently have done something to further piss off my body because 2 nights ago I started having serious pain in my lower left back (like right above my butt) and when I move it shoots sideways and down into my hip.  It hurts to sit, walk, move, and sleep.  And it is getting worse.  A friend is coming over this morning to do a mini massage to see if we can’t free up the muscle that is apparently got a death grip on my sciatic nerve.  I’m supposed to go on an all day ride on Saturday (my first with the club and I am really excited) on Saturday, but if my body doesn’t get on board I’m going to have to back out cuz I don’t want to cripple B’s fun.  Considering I could really use a day on the bike, I am none too happy about that either. 

So to save myself (and you) from further bitching and brooding I was surfing blogs this morning and I found this meme (how does one actually say that anyway?  Me Me?) at How They Remind Me.  I don’t usually like these things but this one caught my eye.  So if you don’t want to know more about me then go read somewhere else.  Because this will hopefully keep me from going to throw up from being so anxious.

GRUB-OLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? Vinagrette
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Wendys
What is your favorite sit down restaurant? I dont have a favorite. I love trying new stuff.

On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 15%. Maybe a little more.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Fruit
Name three foods you detest above all others: Liver, Oysters, Head cheese (just knowing what it is makes me retch)
What is your favorite dish to order in a Chinese restaurant? Cashew Chicken
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Ham and pineapple
What do you like to put on your toast? peanut butter.
What is your favorite type of gum? None.

TECH-OLOGY
Number of contacts in your cell phone? Have no clue
Number of contacts in your email address book? Hundreds.
What is your wallpaper on your computer? A fireworks photo I took.
What is your screensaver on your computer? It’s blank but password protected
Are there naked pictures saved on your computer? Nope
How many land line phones do you have in your house? Just one
How many televisions are in your house? 3
What kitchen appliance do you use the least? Waffle maker
What is the radio station you listen to the most? ALICE
How many sex toys do you own that require batteries? Just a couple

BI-OLOGY
What do you consider to be your best physical attribute? My back
Are you right handed or left handed? Righty
Do you like your smile? Never
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? My wisdom teeth
Would you like to? Yes
Do you prefer to read when you go to the bathroom? Yes usually, why waste time?
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Smell
When was the last time you had a cavity? I have one right now.
What is the heaviest item you lift regularly? Myself
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Close, but no cigar

MISC-OLOGY
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I’m not going to die.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? Been there, done that, have the name
How do you express your artistic side? On what day?  Dancing, photography, writing, singing…
What color do you think you look best in? Black
How long do you think you could last in a medium security prison? I’d probably have a melt down before I got there
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? Nope
If we werent bound by societys conventions, do you have a relative you would make a pass at? Yuck!
How often do you go to church? It’s kind of like school, regularly during the fall/winter/spring, not at all in the summer
Have you ever saved someones life? Yes
Has someone ever saved yours? Yes

DARE-OLOGY
Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000? Are you kidding?  Right now I’d probably do it for $10,000
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Who needs money for that, but if you want to pay me, sure!
Would you have sex with a member of the same sex for $10,000? Yes.
Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000? Never
Would you never blog again for $50,000? I could try, but I’d probably have to give the money back
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Not that I’d ever be asked, but in a heartbeat
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Nope
Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000? Never, wait could I chose the person?
Would you shave your head and get your entire body waxed for $5,000? Nah, but I would if you offered more (that’s worse than walking down the street naked!)
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Completely, I’d even throw mine out the window.

Technorati Tags: Memes, -Ology, Anxiety