Ok, as a warning to all of you of the male gender, I am about to make a very non PC comment. Sorry - I’m frustrated and need an outlet.
MEN ARE SUCH DORKS. AND THEY JUST DON’T GET IT. SOMETIMES LIFE WOULD BE ENTIRELY BETTER IF WE WERE ALL LESBIANS AND HAD TEST TUBE BABIES. WHAT HAPPENS AT PUBERTY THAT MAKES THEM TURN INTO ALIENS????
Thank you for listening.
I really hate the fact that Mr. X has this blog address. If I hadn’t put so much effort into it, and developed a small (but hopefully devoted - thank you to each of you!) audience I would likely move it so that he couldn’t read it. That said, the following is directed to him, so please excuse the short diversion from my regular writing..
Dear Mr. X:
My blog is written to exercise the demons in my head. The feelings that have no where to go. I write them down to think them through, to process, to get them out so they don’t get worse, or acted upon. IF I WAS GOING TO HARM MYSELF DO YOU REALLY THINK I’D TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE IT HERE IN MY BLOG? NO, I WOULD BE CURLED UP IN A BALL ON THE FLOOR UNABLE TO COPE. At that desperate point, several friends would intervene. So please stop writing me or commenting on my writing from your supposed "concern" about anything. Bipolars write bipolar themed blogs to share, to help and encourage each other, and for support. Go find a blog that fits you, for example bitter exhusbands unite. Please just leave me alone.
And now back to my regularly scheduled blogging…
No you sickos - I am not talking about torturing my teens - they are torturing ME!
OK, we’re coming up on 2 weeks with my two older teens. And I have several things missing. My sanity would probably be #1. I had completely forgotten what it is like to have a house taken over by teenagers and their friends, what I’m sure was a protective mechanism of my brain. My 14 year old was pretty mild, with one or rarely 2 friends over. The phone rang some in the evenings but not uncontrollably. There was attitude but again, rarely, particularly since we’ve gone to our family communication therapy and we’ve learned to talk to each other. I’m in no way saying things were rosy. But having now had the experience of 2 additional and older teenagers with all their associated friends and every thing else, it seems like a heaven that went poof! in the space of a phone call.
Starting at about 7 pm the phone begins to ring off the hook. K & A remind me on a regular basis that this happens because they’ve been deprived of cell phones. Poor unfeeling mom. Poor deprived children. I quietly think to myself that it could also be prevented if I simply turn all the phones on silent ringers. No one that I want to talk to ever calls me that late anyway unless I expect them to call. And if they didn’t reach me on the home phone they’d likely try my cell. Of course, after about the 4th or 5th call in a row, all coherent thought leaves my head and I want to simply rip the phone out of the wall. Thus why I am likely to go turn the ringers off as soon as I finish this post.
If it was just the telephone perhaps I wouldn’t feel like perching on a ledge somewhere (I’m joking folks - if I were serious about jumping off a ledge I’d be on the light rail down town right now). But associated with my teens has also come the sounds of both TVs, two video game systems both quite loud, and at least one computer playing music along with their friends associated cell phone rings, dings and polyphonic ring tones. Our TVs have not been on in the last year as much as they have been on in the last 2 weeks. The only time life approaches the quiet I once had is when it is 3 am, and even then the TV is in the background because my daughter is currently sleeping on the couch and falls asleep to it. I am likely to introduce the timer to her tonight.
That is the electronic noise. Add to that the fact that teenagers are noisy and messy creatures. Possibly the worst in the animal kingdom. At least apes know what to do with their shit. I have teenage stuff everywhere. Wrappers, shoes, clothes, towels, messes in the kitchen, sticky floors, and overflowing garbage. Now, I was before this, by no means a great house keeper. Especially if depressed, I will find any reason to avoid doing the housework. "Oh look, there is a lovely TV show on underwater basket weaving, guess the kitchen can wait". However, I do try to keep it slightly tidy. However, when 5 people live in what is supposed to be the space for 3, things quickly become overwhelming. You think your 2 year old can compete? Trust me - I had these children at the ages (together) of 5, 2 1/2 and baby and they couldn’t produce in a week the amount of mess they can in just a few short hours. And even better, they then turn around and tell you just how nasty and dirty your house is for you - as if I didn’t notice as I tripped over the 5 pairs of flip flops in the living room.
If they stay with me, we will be moving to another house, obviously. However, even with the job, with it’s pay schedule I will not be able to even look at another house until the beginning of October. Will I last? Will my sanity hold? Well most of my friends find it questionable whether it existed in the first place so I imagine I didn’t have far to go. However, it would have been nice to actually enjoy my trip to the padded room… rather than be slowly driven insane with constant chaos and noise. Isn’t there some sort of torture where an adult is subjected to constant noise? Maybe I’d make a good navy seal - at least in resisting torture.
Just when you think things can’t get any crazier, something works to jump out of the closet and completely change everything. My stress level has elevated to the point where i have a rash spreading its way all over my body. Yep, started on the inner things, has now invaded both up and down - from the back of my knees to my hip, elbows and underarms and I’m pretty sure it’s even on the back of my head. At first I was thinking that something to do with scratching maybe spread it (maybe some sort of small blisters breaking spreading it to surrounding skin?) but once it hit the hips and elbows, I’m pretty sure that I haven’t been using my elbows to scratch between my legs or the back of my knee.
I’ve tried just about everything I can afford. The money situation has gotten extreme. I can’t afford to buy an caladryl cream, so I’ve been using calamine lotion, and some benedryl spray. The other night I went to bed after taking benedryl. Last night I took an extra klonopin altho that wasn’t JUST for the rash related stuff (see below). I’m really regretting the $4 it is going to cost to go to the doc today but i’m at whit’s end. I’m even more afraid he’s going to try to give me something I have to buy over the counter. I have exactly $16 for the next 3 weeks. This must cover gas, stuff that food stamps doesn’t (cat food, laundry soap, etc) and I know already it’s not enough. Particularly if I do get a job where I’m driving back and forth to work. So the thought of spending a third on that just to treat this has me a little wrapped around the around the axel. My comfort vs. my cats eating for 2 weeks or more… hmmm. Not to mention actually being able to drive - ugg - the job scene has got to break.
On that note, for those of you in complete suspense. I had yet another interview last week. It started with a tech screen on the phone, which ended with a surprise on both sides that her boss was a previous team mate from Relera. She then said that she thought there were other needs in the company at higher levels that I might be better suited for. The very next day my resume was sent to the head of Engineering and I got an interview the next day. It is the same work I did at Relera, but the tool is not one I’ve worked with, apparently is a bit cludgey (what network/systems management tool isn’t) and is already implemented. That means much of the hard work has been done. I felt fairly good about the interview, but I’m getting a bit jaded so I’m ceasing to go on that feeling since I feel that way and then feel tremendous let down not getting the job. I mean the guy kept saying "excellent" to some of my answers, but at other times I wasn’t even sure of what he was asking so after asking for clarification once or twice and trying to feel my way through I didn’t do so hot. Not sure which was more important to him. At other points there were things I knew but because of the way he asked I came off not knowing. So it’s a toss up. My previous teammate showed up at the interview, and in typical style asked me if I remembered what FCAPS stood for. I told him I really didn’t have a clue - he laughed and said he didn’t, but that he remembered it was a big buzz word for our boss - NOT NICE.
In case you are wondering it stands for "fault-management, configuration, accounting, performance, and security". I may not ever forget that one again. Ugggg. I am supposed to hear back about that job this week (it’s Thursday right now so I’m not holding out much hope).
On another note, I got another interview this week with Avaya. Proving once again that it isn’t the job search it’s who you know. B’s team at Avaya is finally back filling, and he handed my resume directly to his manager. According to him, I’ve got more background knowledge than a lot of his team, and that I fit well. Well his managers apparently think so as well. I did a phone screen with one, and he was so impressed that within 5 minutes he called back to set up a face to face with the other manager. (Cool huh?). Then yesterday a recruiter called who hinted that they liked me well enough that as long as I don’t fall on my face during the interview I probably have the job. Not only that he said that I had way under bid myself and that the starting range is considerably higher than I’d asked for. (woo hoo). Not that I’m digging going back into the large company culture, but the salary benefits and whole package would be amazing. Now there is the interesting factor of not only working at the same company, but being on the same team as B. He might even end up training me… We would work on different campuses (a very good thing) but potentially it could be difficult. I do not want to really think about that since there is no way I could pass up the job, but the relationship with him has been good in so many ways, and I can’t really think about giving that up either. So I’m not worrying about either to tell the truth. Things will work out the way they are supposed to. Anyway the recruiter was so positive, that I may actually know by Friday afternoon (wow!).
Now for the meat of the post. (you thought that stuff was enough, huh?). No, my life changed radically last night. For those of you who have read me for some time you know the agonies, guilt and final peace I’ve found regarding my oldest 2 kids. They went to live with their father and step mother 2 years ago, and in spite of problems there (increasing over the year) they have not wanted to come back and live with me. Things were very tough for all of us, and not living here, they haven’t seen the changes that have been made. My home has come to be a haven. A place for the heart where we love and support each other. Chaos is not allowed, even in times like this when the stress level is very high.
I had accepted that they had pretty much dropped out of my life except for occasional visits or calls, and that when and if they wanted to come back into my life they would. I also saw from the outside that the life they were living there was very close to the chaos they left at my house, and has been increasing in the last few months. From the things that all three kids have told me, whether she feels that way genuinely or not, their step mom doesn’t seem to want them around and is periodically pretty mean. Not that my children are angels, and I am very certain they are extremely difficult at times. My daughter doesn’t have a job, and my son does what he wants. Neither really have any respect for rules or other people, and while I know that is because of their horrible life circumstances, they are both old enough to realize that respect and love are a 2 way street. It is time they "stepped up" to take responsibility for their half.
Things have increasingly gotten worse for everything there in the last couple months. My son has dealt with it by not being there most of the time and immersing himself in work, my daughter with passive/aggressive stuff and basically ignoring rules. Tough for any parent. On the other hand, things have gotten pretty disciplined here with rules that we’ve negotiated, etc. While S isn’t always happy with my decisions we work things out and we have a great relationship. Would I love that with the oldest two? You bet. But the question is, can that happen? Are they too old? Don’t have a clue. So there sets the stage.
Yesterday I had just gotten back from therapy, and I get a call. Spence had answered and handed me the phone with a look of complete disaster on his face without saying a word. I honestly thought someone had died or was in bad shape. The first thing I hear is "Mom, I need a suitcase, Fattie (nickname for his sis) and me are moving out and coming to live with you". Ummm… no discussion, no asking, just a simple statement. I was in complete shock. I told them not to pack, but that I would come and get them, and we would (all 4 - including their dad) discuss this. I immediately called him at work and told him he needed to come home NOW and that we had an issue that needed to discussed.
Before he arrived, the 3 of us spent a lot of time talking about things I expected and what they were thinking would be beneficial here. Things like rules, expectations, guidelines and consequences (mainly they won’t live here). Not to mention - umm well finances are an issue (BIG ONE), and that since they had moved out permanently I have gone to a condo fit for me and the 2 boys. We don’t have room. I don’t know when I will. If they decide to live here perm, then we will have to move eventually, but that is a huge deal. I won’t move out of M’s school district, and I don’t particularly want a house (yard=yuck). Not to mention the whole moving idea. Uggg. But that doesn’t have to be decided even in the next few weeks.
So I have several questions. Did they come back to me because anything is better than their step mom? Do they genuinely intend and want the peaceful environment and "haven" of home here and therefore are willing to accept the rules and responsibilities that go along with that? Or do they think I’m going to be the pushover that I was (and that S&L ended up being). Will they respect my authority or will they be who they were before?I live in no illusions. Both of them have been through so much. They have had no healing environment. This conversion will be tough even should they really desire it. It will take much patience and understanding and work on all sides. The first non-negotiable item on my list was the family communication therapy that I went through with S, and that has improved our relationship so much. They agreed. The other was sitting down and outlining some pretty strict responsibilities and rules. They have chores that will be done, and I won’t be griping or reminding. The consequence of any behavior that indicates that this is just a last ditch because they have no where else to go will be that this indeed is not the last place and they will need to find another. I will not ruin what we’ve created here. It will not be good for me mental healthwise, nor for either of the 2 boys. And regardless of my love for both of them, I am committed completely to that. K & A are adult/almost adult. They must participate 1/2 way in this or they won’t be here. Would that be difficult - to tell them I can’t have them here… Oh yea. I can’t imagine how that would feel to them or what it might do to our relationships. But I’m not going to worry about that until we get there. The next few weeks will tell.
This weekend will be a big one for seeing whether they are serious. Since I’m going to be gone the entire weekend, they will be in my house, on their own. I have at least 2 people dropping by at random times to check up - quick inspection of house, and what’s going on. If they don’t follow my rules then that will be the answer. If they do we will just take things one day at a time.
Last night I just sat down and marvelled at the fact that it seems like for me life is constantly a roller coaster. I never seem to have much predictability. B and I talked, and he said that his life was that way too. But there is a difference between being spontaneous (which I can do although sometimes it makes me uncomfortable) and having your entire life disrupted and take new directions… I have enough trouble dealing with stuff that changes from day to day.But we’ll see where this goes. Wish us all luck.
Here’s my Friday rant/rave…
Yesterday I went to the doctor. Now I’d waited for a long time, putting it off mostly because I’ve had to be on Medicaid and I don’t have a regular doctor (I did but they didn’t take it) and because I’d used the student health service during school. But it’s been a year and a half since a pap smear, and I had some other things (relatively small but worrisome none the less) that finally came to a head. So I spent the good part of 2 hours finding a doctor that not only accepted it, but that could get me in before 2007 (ok I’m exaggerating a bit but for those of you trying to get into a new doctor you know what I mean).
So I went. I walked in with a few needs. The first was the freaking ball of nerves and muscle that has developed under my right shoulder blade. Yes, I know it is stress related, and yes I know that it comes and goes. But this week it’s been murder. Tuesday I couldn’t turn my head to the right. I used a heavy duty (deep tissue) massager on it that night and then it was still a knot and bruised besides. It has gradually gotten worse and worse over the years - this was about the worst it’s ever been. He labled it a “stress ball” and that was the last I heard about it. Guess I need to go get some acupuncture or massage or both…
Item 2. I have of late been what seems to be experiencing a hearing loss. I constantly cannot hear my sons and have to ask them what they said 3-4 times. As you can imagine by the time we actually communiate there are frustrations on both sides. It’s been getting worse. So he checked my ears. The best news I had out of the entire appointment. I have blockage from wax… not a big deal at all and very fixable. Would love to be able to hear again. So at the earliest convenience I will be going out and buying the ear candles. YUCK - but oh well.
Item 3. I have been waking up in the middle of the night with a dry nasty cough. I don’t have it during the day, but it wakes me in the middle of sleep, and lasts for a bit before I go back to sleep. Those of you who’ve not read me extensively don’t know that being 43 for me is very hard. It is the age that both my Mother and my brother died. They were my only immediate family. My brother died of lung cancer, never having smoked in his life. I have smoked but quit 5 years ago. Lung cancer runs in our family. So of course after a few times of this happening that creeping fear that something is invading my body snuck in. It honestly was the main catalyst for going to the doctor. Hearing my history the doctor ordered an xray. That will be fun.
Item 4. Good old regular pap smear. Ugg. Who doesn’t hate them. But I had the added bonus of fun. I engage regularly in what is considered in our current culture activities that only very strange people engage in. It leaves bruises. Sometimes fairly significant bruises. After making the appointment I was sitting on the toilet and happened to look down and notice the remains of two very dark bruises on my inner thighs. They are big and certainly no doctor doing a pap was going to neglect to notice. Ah the lovely fun of explaining to a doctor consentual marks of fun… That was just the beginning. I was very straight, to the point, and simply said they were indeed consentual. Nothing else was said. Of course, I guess that explained my piercings in that same rather sensitive area. Yes and now you know more about me than you may have wanted to - oh well. If you are morbidly (or genuinely) fascinated, I do have another area where I right about that stuff so you can always email me for the link…
Anyway, after the completely undignified exam (a man HAD to have figured out how to do it so there is absolutely no ability to have any dignity left), he told me that there were what looked like abnormal cells on the top of my cervix (WHAT?). Happy Happy Joy Joy. As if there wasn’t enough on my plate.
But this wasn’t to be the end of my wonderful roller coaster ride. Deciding that my son absolutely really needed his dentist visit (we are months over due), I figured that I would chuck out the $25 co pays to get him in and make sure everything was ok. As it turns out he has a chipped tooth that we have no idea where it came from (he claims he was just brushing his teeth one day and it fell off which is as good an explanation as I can figure because to my knowledge he never fell or hit his mouth). So it’s a good thing we went. There were some other issues but none that need immediate attention, and in fact should not have anything done for some time. So we get to the part where I’m supposed to pay. I give her my insurance card, and since I got paid today asked her if she could double check the insurance and get back to me. M is supposed to have coverage under his medicaid (which should be Delta dental but apparently is not for him - huh?) which would be secondary anyway. So late yesterday afternoon I get the call. She tells me that M isn’t covered under Delta (joy- who knows how they figure these things out), and that the fees for service charges are $116?! Last time it was $25. I looked at my bill from last time. I looked at my fee schedule. She transferred me to the office manager.
He immediately informed me that last time he had “given me a new referral” discount. That he had accepted our fee plan because we were new. WTF??? He never said that. He never said anything about having a different pay schedule this time around because they didn’t accept our plan… I felt totally baited and switched. He claims he tells everyone that, and in spite of my memories of having to bring in the fee schedule and him not being familiar with our plan last time, he claims that he’s been familiar with BETA for 8 years (they haven’t even been around for that long to my knowledge). It infuriated me. I would never have taken M back there to be charged that much - not when I could have just paid $25 with another dentist. And he never mentioned it. Not last time, not this time. I told him I wasn’t paying it. That my financial condition wouldn’t allow it. He kept insisting that he was right and was being nice (he did try to offer adjusting it to half the fee) and that I was being unreasonable, and even tried to make me feel guilty by saying that what they would accept wouldn’t even pay the salaries of his staff for that hour (umm there were 2 other patients back there… I’m pretty sure they were covered…). I finally had to end the conversation I was so upset. Even then he would not shut up. He just kept trying to say how I should see HIS side of it, and I was being totally unreasonable. By that point, yeah I’d dissoved into complete tears. The pressure of the week and the doctor’s appointment in the morning just collapsed me, and yeah, I was pretty much done. After 3 tries to be polite about it, I finally just said “Send me the damn bill, this is not doing me any good and I cannot continue this conversation” and I hung up. So for anyone interested who lives in the Denver/Littleton area I would not suggest going to this dentist. Since I won’t slander her on the www, if you want info, email me. The dentist herself is awesome, and I will miss her. But her office manager is not, and I honestly feel ripped off.
Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes it sucks rocks. And sometimes it just starts to be absolutely so ludicrous you have to laugh… I’m laughing. I’m pretty afraid to stop.
Have you forgotten about New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina?
Chocolate city - we are here to stay
I wanted to actually PUT the video in my blog [HERE] but I seem to have failed on understanding the coding when it comes to a movie that isn’t a wmv file, which is the only snippet of code I’ve got. In spite of the fact that I have looked and looked for code for QT (will play all of the links below) it just doesn’t seem to be happening and I’m tired. So please follow the link and view the film. You will be horrified.
Hurricane season is again upon us, and New Orleans still lies in ruins. Most of the city is deserted, the hardy who stay there fit a daily battle to make a living and to continue with their lives. Many people see this and become outraged that this is happening in the States. For me, I am just outraged that this can be ignored anywhere on the planet. Yes, it is different here, and just like friends of mine who insist that 911 should never have happened on American soil, we seem to assume that we have the divine right to avoid all the natural and unnatural acts that face the rest of the world everyday. But certainly, Shrub and company see fit to just quietly ignore the terrible tragedy going on.
Do you realize that there were close to ONE MILLION people in New Orleans pre Katrina? Those people lived there all there lives, many of them in houses that had been passed down for generations. My own ex (#1) was born and raised there and until just a short time ago, his entire extended family still lived on the same block where his mother (now in her late 60s) grew up. That entire neighborhood had lived together for years and years. The same was true all over the city.
What people don’t realize, or maybe are so willing to forget is that this was worse than 911. These folks lost not only their work, and many of them their lives (last count was over 1000 in New Orleans alone so it’s approaching the scale simply by a count of the dead). But the real tragedy was that it isn’t just their lives, or work. They lost their homes, their neighborhoods, their schools, their surroundings, all of their belongings, beloved pets, family treasures. Then they lived for weeks in a hell that had no boundaries.
Help if you can:
Emergency Communities
Katrina and Rita Aid
Katrina Help Info
Habitat for Humanity Work
Another bunch of organization links
Is this any more tragic then what happens every day in other parts of the world? No. It’s not. But it serves a reminder that our government doesn’t distinguish between the poor in other countries and the poor here at home. After watching this film, can you truly sit by and do nothing else? To remain like a quiet sheep, going to work, coming home, eating your supper, and feeling like we’re cleansing the world of a horrible evil?
Or maybe instead of war we should be tending to the millions and millions of people who live tragedy every day. Who are so shell shocked they can no longer function, or if they do it is a mechanical will to live, without joy or meaning.
If you can’t at least help to make a change by exercising what the government claims to be fighting for. Our right to make choices about who leads us. I don’t like where they are leading… Do you?
Technorati Tags: Disasters, Katrina, Tragedy, Chocolate City
Well today was the first contract I have had with the company I’ve signed 1099 with. Things felt really scattered and crazy last week when I went in to sign, but today it showed me how really crazy things are.
I’m shadowing one of their techs until I’ve proven myself. That means that I go on jobs with one of them, and then either watch them or do the work or half and half. Well I knew things were going to be insane anyway because M started his camp today. I’m really excited he got into this camp. It’s therapeutic, through his mental health care place, with kids with similar issues. The only thing bad (and it really is a hardship) is that it’s hours are 10-3 pm. I know no sane working parent set THAT schedule. Until today I was told there was no before/after care (more about that later). It was really great for him to get in, as there are about 80 kids who apply/get recommended and only about 10 get in. They really want Mark but trying to get a job around a schedule like that is near to impossible. I knew that going in, and when working with Jess who does schedules at my contract place I talked to her about having to pick him up. I arranged carpooling with another Mom and she takes him, but I am supposed to drop them off. Ironically, now it would work much better if I took them but she can’t change. Uggg.
So back to today. My first gig with the new company. I’m supposed to meet the other guy at the client’s at 11:30 (time of the appointment). First off the directions are wrong - and in spite of 2 calls, and 2 different individuals, they neglect to mention that there is an error. They kept telling me to drive down "the side" of the auto place - well "the side" was their parking lot, and finally after 3 turn arounds, a guy came out to talk to me about why I was trying to navigate the lot so much. I actually asked him where what I was trying to find was and he pointed to the "other side" - which was actually a street on the other side of an 8 foot fence for their establishment. Turned around and parked, having arrived just on time, I waited. At a couple minutes I went into the client, introduced myself and sat to wait. I waited about another 15 minutes and finally went outside to call the other tech (no answer) and then called Jess, again.
Turns out there is a 1 hour scheduling "window" and he said he would be there in 20 minutes or so… Needless to say, I’m really glad that the book I’m reading (Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time, Book 9, Winter’s Heart) is on my palm pilot. The tech showed up at 1:00. Yes, I sat in my car for 1.5 hours. I felt very embarrassed not really personally but for my "company" who’s tech couldn’t arrive on time, even with 1 hour leeway. Of course, having squeezed it in, we had a fairly lengthy job ahead of us, and as far as I know I did most of the work, which was fine. The tech really didn’t tell me too much about what they do, just gave me tasks, which I did as fast and as well as I could - all of it was basic stuff. I hit a snag on the printer though since it wasn’t in the regular list of printers, and it was an IP printer (that took a bit to remember how to do) - I got what I thought was the driver (correct device listed after doing a printer driver update in Windows) but the test page came out as several pages of postscript text. Obviously not set up correctly. About an hour in, I noticed that it was apparently about 20 minutes before M needed picking up, and in a panic I called a backup (my kids’ stepmom). Well then I learned that the laptop I was configuring was still on CST, not MST. I was an hour early. Thinking it wouldn’t take much longer, I told her I would call her back if I needed her to go. Well, about the time I had issues with the printer, it was 20 minutes until M had to be picked up. Barely enough time to make it. I had to leave the other tech (I really don’t think he was doing anything since I was doing everything on the service order) and he had to clean up the printer. I apologized to him, explained that I really hadn’t planned on it happening my very first day. He said that "it always happens". An alarm sort of went off in my head with that but I didn’t really pay attention that second.
I just kept trying to remember how crazy it felt the first few days at INS. The thing is, they were very organized in all the important ways (the ones I’m going to bitch about now). So my stress level was justified. Things definitely need to be reorganized here. I’m the new kid on the block so I doubt I’ll be listened to, but we’ll see how things go. I think after sitting back a while it might be possible to sit down and talk to the owner - maybe instead of doing the tech work I could do some of the scope work and work out some legitimate scheduling routines (this type of work should be this long) etc and move them away from set times. It’s just getting them behind and crazy. But I know that being new, you don’t just walk in and tell people how to do things. So I’ll wait and see.
Anyway, back to today. By the time I got to pick up the boys, it was 3 minutes after 3 pm (fine - not really late), and yes I drove like a demon but also caught a lot of green lights thank goodness. But I was in tears. I told the people that I just didn’t see how I was going to do this, with trying to find a job and needing to work so badly just to get our bills paid. The lady who was the brunt of my tears apparently had no idea why we hadn’t been told but there was actually AFTERCARE on Mondays and Thursdays (yes I could have stayed at the client site). This actually made me feel worse at that point. It’s until 5 and I’m not sure that will really even help because it just may be in the middle of yet another client.
I feel like I’m having to piece together crazy solutions for childcare and it’s making me crazy. Normally, most people have a regularly scheduled job (1) and have a set normal time for childcare (2). I have neither. And add the stress of needing to get as many hours as possible and I’ve basically had a nervous break down today. I have arranged for L to pick the boys up pretty much every day unless we figure out something else which will likely be at least once a week, unless I call because I have no client. For example, I totally freaked when tomorrow I got scheduled, and S (my 14 year old) is supposed to watch M. But of course, S has a counseling appointment that he really needs at 5 pm. Just then my best friend Mel came to the rescue. It’s almost like she knows when I’m on the edge because she just happened to call right then and pointed out that she wasn’t working and she could do M & the other boy and then watch M until I got home. S could go to counseling (his dad & stepmom will deal with his transportation). She rescues me more than I really deserve. I know without her I would have collapsed long ago. I only hope that there will come a day when I have the opportunity to give just as much to her. Because she really deserves it. And I’m really grateful she’s in my life and hasn’t run away screaming into the night yet.
After I pick up the boys, I drop them off, M for S to watch so I can go into their office. Jess had asked me to come by to talk about scheduling and about office procedures. We did. And I start to listen and watch as the phone rings and she schedules stuff. And it dawns on me why things are so crazy.
1) Remembering back at the client site, I realize that this is one of the set clients. There should be strong documentation on the network, server, required apps, configurations, etc etc… I got some, but some of the questions I asked (which should have been documented and printer out before the job even started) made the other tech scratch his head and look around. For example I tried to install two applications off mapped drives. The first one was a sql client and wanted to set itself up to the database - but that wasn’t in the 4 lines of instructions I had been given. I had to go ask him a different question a couple of times along the way. The second application required that a file be pulled off the server and put in a special folder on the local drive, that took some time to figure out, and then it required an installation password. They had done this before, but he had to go get the owner, who tried several different ones. When he finally put in the right one, that password was in the instructions, but it was just in quotes next to the application installation program. I thought it was the name of the program. Finally, the printer driver that I had to install was certainly being used around the office since it was the main printer. It should have been placed on the server as well.
First problem: SEVERE LACK OF DOCUMENTATION FOR CLIENTS
Another thing that I noticed was the fact that on their network, you could walk in and connect to the internet through the e-net connections, with no authentication whatsoever. Not exactly a good business practice. When I mentioned this to the other tech, he asked me what else would they do… I was so shocked I kind of just looked at him. I said that it was poor security practice and a chance to upsell, but he didn’t really seem interested. He also said they had an exchange server but didn’t use it, instead they outsourced their email - another missed chance… Seemed really strange to me.
2) I watched Jess schedule things, looked at my contract and saw the same thing, and then listened to what she did to schedule people on the phone. Granted it’s my first day but I saw something that made my hair curl. Appointments are scheduled at 9, 11:30, 2 and 4:30, period. There is no scoping out of the project to allot the appropriate amount of time. This makes absolutely no sense to me. Not only that it dawned on me, with the scheduled appointment times, this is not an 8 hour a day job. Figuring that the last call takes 2 hours, it would be 6:30 when done. That is 9.5 hours, and not really acceptable to me as a single mom, and not at all since I also will be in school.
Second problem as I see it: BAD BUSINESS PRACTICES BY NOT SCOPING WORK CORRECTLY
No wonder they are all so frazzled - that is no way to run a computer services company - you can’t just schedule jobs without regard to what has to be done.
So I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know that I will work as hard as I can to make as much money as possible. And that I will keep looking for a more sane place to work. After that I’ll just have to see.
One thing to look forward to: This weekend M goes on a camping trip from Friday morning until Sunday at noon. That entire time I will be childless since S is at his dad’s. I think this was a good week to have things so crazy since I can kind of GO crazy at the end of it. I do have one scheduled gig on Sat - but it looks short and sweet and other than that I’m all alone. YEAH!
Technorati Tags: Business, Consulting practices, Frustration
I’ve written with rage and frustration that a man who so supposedly loves his son could cut off child support with the knowledge that we could end up without a roof over our heads, and without the money to get another one. My ex2 knows I have no extended family, no mother or father, brother or sister to call on for help or live with. He knows I have friends but maybe he doesn’t know that they aren’t in a position to help, or that all the financial agencies that could have helped me have a year time span before they can help again (they helped me when I went into the hospital last fall).
I don’t know that he realizes what danger he’s really put his son into, or how very bad it will look to any judge that tries the case if he does go back for rights to Mark. He claims that he is using the money for a lawyer to fight me for parental rights. The fact of the matter is he gave them up willingly last November when he did nothing during the divorce and I’ve written all about that, and he’s learning it if his lawyer has actually gone to school. He didn’t fight for him in the first place, he hasn’t tried to come visit him once in the last year, and other than calls which didn’t even begin until last November except very sporadically, and again they’ve become sporadic (like he was supposed to call at 10 am this morning - it’s 11 now). Supposedly he loves M so very much, yet by his very actions/inactions he proves that he doesn’t know what it is to be a parent.
But the real issue is the money. I got through paying bills at the beginning of this month by borrowing, a large sum at a check cashing place and a smaller sum from a friend. Just slightly over what I would have received in child support. I receive food stamps, and in spite of a terrifying week or so thinking that because I’d applied they would take away my medicaid, they didn’t and I can still get care for my bipolar. I had started to put things in place to take care of that just in case, but it was so terrifying I actually didn’t think about it except for those actions. I go to food banks. We don’t eat very well, but it’s food. I bargain with all the companies to keep the utilities on, or to not lose my car. And I look for a job. And of course there are the little things that happen. Somehow, M managed to lose, not one, but two pairs of shoes in the last week or so. A good pair of tennis shoes, and his sandals. Both relatively new. He starts camp on Monday and for obvious reasons he cannot go to camp barefoot. The sandals would solve that. But he is also supposed to go to a Campfire campout next weekend and has to have tennis shoes for that. He needs shoes that can go in water for the first one, and sturdy shoes for the second. And if I take money to buy him shoes, I will have no money left for gas to work or go to other interviews. These are the decisions I am faced with. No parent should have to make these choices. Yet I know that I am in no way alone. All over our country mothers, and sometimes fathers are faced with eating or having rent money, clothing their kids or having gas money. It is a failing of our country that the majority pay no attention to, and in many cases I have run into people who set in their republican ways believe it justified.
In the back of my mind I keep the hope I can go to school still in the fall with the classes I currently have scheduled. But I don’t put that possibility out there to the employers who are looking to hire me right away. I’m getting more hits on my resume. I just wish they would actually pan out.
On the one hand it is really hard to look at jobs that want to pay me less than what I made as an executive assistant to a VP in New Orleans (even before the hurricane the cost of living was pretty damn low compared to Denver) when just 6 years ago I was approaching the $100k mark. Of course there is the bubble which burst and the fact that I have been out of the field for some time but you’d still think I could manage to find a job for more than $15 - $20 an hour. It’s depressing to say the least. The irony is that it is so far above what I’m making now that we would do fine. The trick is getting it.
I have been hired by a firm that does outsourced IT and is from all appearances booming. The job itself doesn’t feel secure, and certainly isn’t going to be easy to live from the first few weeks. I am hired 1099, and paid only for the actual time at the client. My first gigs will be with another of their techs. The gigs are maybe 2 hours and optimistically giving me at most 6/8 hours a day, (Monday I only have one so far that will likely not be more than 1.5 hours), unless I get one that day. The 1099 was written for 20. I am hoping (certainly) that they actual offer to come in 30/90 days will be closer to 40 hours.
I guess the whole uncertainty thing is weighing heavily on my mind. I have 3 weeks again until then next round of major bills (although at the end of this coming week I have committed to paying my car payment and my coming check from AA won’t cover it and the loan interest from Money Tree, not to mention trying to find money for gas, etc to travel to client sites.). I reduced my availability at AA to just mornings and basically begged my boss to keep my hours as close to the 18 or so he was giving me these last few weeks to allow help, but I really don’t know if he will. The uncertainty is what kills me.
It was also hard, since two other techs were hired just before me, and have gotten, already, more work than me. Maybe that means that it is just taking a while for them to schedule me in, or maybe it means that they are more cautious about me. It’s hard to know. My depression capers inside my head just waiting for a break in the dam to come out and show me exactly why I deserve all this. Why my sons deserve all this. It has stressed out the house, as my older son, S is aware of things and has really taken on much of the stress. As much as I miss him, I am glad he can escape it a bit to go to his dad’s (ex1) every other week, even though I know he faces other tremendous stresses over there. At least they don’t have to say no to every request he asks for money to go do legitimate stuff, even when he is owed that money.
I keep looking for more work. And I keep getting hits on the resume. I had another interview on Tuesday, and it was just plain weird. They had a new Director of Operations who was doing the interviewing, and for the tech portion the man who had up until now been the only IT person was sullen and quiet, and didn’t ask me any questions about my tech background, in particular about the main systems they use. I did all the asking which was very strange. She liked me, but he either was being pushed out, or didn’t like me. It’s hard to say. I was supposedly going to hear something by yesterday either way, and didn’t so I don’t exactly know what that means. That is a job that I would likely only be able to take one class at a time, and given that I have to have calc 2 before physics it would mean putting off physics. It’s a night class so it would be ok. I’m reconciled to the fact that it is likely that because of his absolute contempt (and trust me there has been enough of it come through in his communications since I went back to school) of me being in school to improve myself, that I will likely have to reduce what I’m doing and that puts the plan out several years. I don’t at this point know what that does to my loans, I don’t know if I have to be attending at least half time or not to keep them in deferment. Again another question I’m not looking at until I know the real situation.
Finally, the hardest part of all this is simply trying to take care of everything. M was excepted into a therapeutic camp for the summer. It has about 80 applications for about 10 spots, and he was selected because they think it will be highly beneficial to him. It is paid for by medicaid, and is for 6 weeks. He starts next week, and goes until the end of July. I am really excited because along with all the other wonderful things this camp provides in terms of the normal kids camp (field trips, swimming, etc), there is a lot of time spent working on coping issues, and being with kids that face similar things. In school, while all kids come from home situations that vary, all kids have different strengths and weaknesses, and all kids have various coping skills, M is faced with the double challenge of speech difficulties (it is hard for others to understand him) as well as the things that set off bipolar children. His social skills with peers aren’t always at the maturity level of kids his grade level (remember he’s even a year older since he was held back) and this summer I’ve watched the interaction with boys his age. He is tolerated, and allowed sometimes to play, but the other boys don’t come to play with him. They don’t seek him out. It breaks my heart to see that. I know that he knows it too. He feels that difference. This camp will give him the chance to NOT be different. To interact with kids who all feel that way, and to develop skills that help him return to his regular school friends with better social skills. It is certainly one of the big goals of the camp. The bad thing is it scheduled from 10 - 3 pm. I don’t know who set that kind of schedule but for working parents to deal with that is just amazing. There is no before or after care. So he has to be dropped off and picked up at those times. Talk about trying to find a job with those constraints… gods. I haven’t even mentioned it to most, except for the one I just got hired at, trying to work around it in scheduling me. Already I think part of the reason is that I’m having to work a swing shift (starting at 10 am instead of 9).
That is all of what is on my mind today. Any altruistic souls wanting to help our family - let me know. I’m not too proud to accept help at this point. I’m doing everything I can. The sadness is that in our culture, sometimes that just isn’t enough.
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A final note. As I got ready to publish this post, my son walked back in with our garage door opener. It has been failing for some time (falling apart in half). He had dropped it, and this time it didn’t just fall apart, the circuit board inside had come out, and at first site looked like it had broken in half. My car is on the other side of that door. I fell to pieces. It just seemed liked the icing on the cake right now. I was able to put it back together (the board was just oddly shaped thank Goddess), but it reduced me to complete tears. He is outside trying it out, and given the fact he didn’t come back I guess it must have worked. Good news it apparently worked. Bad news, no shoes in the car. Ugggg.
Guess I need a pity party today. Maybe I’m just pms’ing. Life just sucks right now.
Technorati Tags: Poverty, Deadbeat Dads, Job search, Help
Earlier I wrote the post below, and since then have been reading in other blogs and other sources regarding statistics and casualties of war. In order to really drive the point home about the idiocy of our government trying Hussein for 149 deaths, look at the following for current figures on the death toll directly caused by the invasion of Iraq by the U.S. Media Memorial Day
From Yahoo news today (excerpt):
In Baghdad’s heavily guarded Green Zone, Saddam and seven co-accused returned to court to face charges of crimes against humanity in the killings of 149 Shi’ites in the early 1980s.
His defense team sought to tear a hole in the case against him, saying 10 people out of 148 said to have been killed after an attempt on his life were still alive 24 years later.
I got the link to the news from a blog I’ve started reading by someone living inside Iraq. I have a real problem with our government going into other countries and telling them what to do. Our judeo-christian heritage seems to include the belief that our way is the only way; that we have the right to tell other countries to have a certain type of government, law, customs or dress. Hidden in the agenda of course is the implied fact that their religion should be changed as well. Bush was certainly not slipping when he mentioned the Crusades in his early speeches regarding the middle east and terrorism. His only real slip was letting that out in front of the public. But even then a great deal of the country agreed with him. The above sentences to me seem absolutely ludicrous. Not that I am in any way saying that Hussein was a good man, a person who was worthy of any sort of respect. He terrorized his own people and did terrible things. But how do compare the numbers above with the numbers killed since the US started this debacle?
And just exactly what is it that makes our country feel justified in telling other cultures what to do when our own country is struggling? Our poverty, infant mortality, drug use, violent crime, education and health care issues are all RED. We have many things broken in this country (except of course big business, which as usual is doing just fine screwing the middle class and wrecking havoc on the lower class). How could we possibly presume to push a broken system on another country.
Read the whole article. The number of kidnapped and dead, according to that article is already close to what they are numbering above on Saddam’s head. In one day! And that with the nod from the US.
I’m ashamed to be American. I can’t believe the country that our forefathers formed, based on freedom, feels completely justified in killing, maiming, torturing and tearing down governments where ever there is a business interest. We are truly a nation of thugs and thieves. It is time to wake up, stop the killing and take back our country and our constitution. Not voting is agreement. Register and participate. Let’s stop this.
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bipolar planet
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