Well it’s Wednesday, it was a huge weekend, and I haven’t written. Ironically it’s more because there is so MUCH to write, not too little. In the last week my life has changed incredibly, and while all for the better I feel in some ways just as overwhelmed as I was before, just differently. Change=Stress, and our psyches don’t register good vs. bad change… it’s just all lumped in. So I’ve been trying to process.
Another part is that I had such a wonderful weekend, but for many reasons am undecided about how much to post here. As hinted in previous posts, I am not a mundane sort of vanilla type personality, and no one could ever accuse me of being in any “normal” social category. I mean, I’m a college student in physics at an age where most people are starting to think of retirement with dreamy looks in their eyes, I am a witch and that certainly puts me in a fringe type area, I have a lot of personality traits that tend to make me somewhat unique, I am bipolar, etc etc on and on. In short I don’t blend into the crowd (thank goddess). However, there is one aspect of my personality that I really don’t share much here, mostly because there just isn’t enough space to cover it well enough to make people stay to read the entire thing without freaking out. And that was my weekend. And there has been a great deal of psychological warfare inside my head about the sharing of stuff so important to me vs. “coming out”.
I guess mostly because this is a fairly anonymous blog, meaning for the most part no one who knows me knows I write here (a few select friends who already know everything there really is to know about me) there isn’t a whole lot of risk. Of course there is my ex-husband and his select set of friends that he took with him during the divorce. But if he ever tried to use any of this against me, well let’s just say he’s done the same things I’m going to talk about, and I have pictures to prove it… So over all it’s pretty safe to share. And if I lose you dear reader because of what I am about to share well then I wish you a happy life.
Caveat - no derogatory or self righteous comments about what I share here will be tolerated. They will summarily be deleted. If you don’t have something nice to say, then don’t say it. We all learned that in Kindergarten. See the red X at the top left of your screen? Please use it if you become offended.
So for my first post about last weekend, I am going to write about the subject matter of BDSM. The reason for this is to prepare for the next few posts about my actual weekend. But I think first it is important to allow some personal insight into the reality of that world and lifestyle as opposed to the drama and media saturated images most people have.
There are many types of BDSM. It is if anything, more varied than almost anything else in life. Each person is unique and therefore their own meaning for those words, and the way they practice it is just as unique. Some people “play”. Some people use it to create a catharsis in ways they might not be able to in any other way. Some people use it to spice up their lives, some people live the lifestyle and wouldn’t consider living any other way, and still others take it to an even deeper level with dedicated relationships that involve complete power exchange from one person to the other. I fit in the middle. I can’t imagine my life with out it. On the other hand, I do not live in a fulltime 24/7 TPE relationship and probably never could. So you won’t find me going out to bars to find guys (Yuck - not that I would anyway) and I don’t find relationships outside of the social clubs I go to that are BDSM focused. There is just no point.
My current boyfriend, B has been my friend through that social circle for several years, and we’ve only just started to develop that kind of relationship. In some ways, he could take or leave it, but he also knows that for me it is a deeper need. I walk on the side of it being very spiritual and carthartic. Therefore, as a “bottom” or “submissive” (use whatever term you like) I use the pain to work through things that otherwise I cannot express or work out. We are gradually working out how to combine those into a workable way to achieve what both of us want as well as need. We communicate so well, and neither of us is particularly jealous so I am sure we will get to a good balance.
Before you get all caught up in the belief that people are being “abused” or “crazy” step back a minute. If you are a regular reader of mine, maybe you’ve gotten to know me enough that what I’m writing will give you some insight, something to think about, open a part of your mind you didn’t explore before, or even just give you a different perspective. If you are new to my blog, then give it a chance. Don’t close your mind to something that is sensationalized on TV and in the media as something it isn’t. Just like anything that is picked up by any type of media, the real deal is seldom (and in this case in particular) anything close to reality. I’m not claiming that the use of pain is not true - it is, but the people who are in this lifestyle are not crazy, sick, demented, or gluttons for abuse. In truth, we are among you everywhere. There are doctors, lawyers, ministers (yes I DID say ministers), professors, and every other type of professional or career you can imagine.
We would not go out and do anything to people in public. In fact I have personally found a dungeon to be one of the safest environments to be in, much safer than a bar. No one touches anyone without first getting permission. People have high respect for everyone else, and celebrate diversity. As an example, at every conference in a hotel that I have attended, the staff have overwhelmingly enjoyed working the weekends we rent out. In general (there are jerks in every crowd of course) we are respectful, tip well, are polite and not rowdy, most people drink only lightly if at all, and they get the added bonus of lots of pretty eye candy dressed up in leather and latex! What could be more fun! The impression that the mindset of an individual is sick and twisted in dangerous unhealthy ways is a stereotype. Just like the ones associated with all my other “labels”. I am a witch therefore I eat baby fat. I am in the tech field therefore I am a geek. I study physics therefore I am a nerd and socially inept. I am bipolar therefore I am unstable and incapable of rationality. Hmmmm - sounds familiar to me.
I do not deny that when we start to talk about BDSM people start to get a little wrapped around the axle. It is a hard thing to get your head around to understand that people actually enjoy/use pain. We spend our entire existance fleeing from it. We’re terrified of it. On a biological level we have an instinctive reaction to get away from it. So how could the person who receives pain by choice NOT be sick? I’ll write more on that since that is the perspective I can understand most. I identify mostly as a “bottom” or “submissive”. To me I think the tops/Doms have a harder time accepting not only the ability to inflict pain, but the actual enjoyment and sometimes even sexual gratification that comes with it. Finding and relishing that darkside is a difficult thing in most cultures, but we live in ours, and growing up in our judeo-christian society makes it close to impossible to reconcile with wanting to be a “good” person.
But let’s talk about culture, even ours for a second. If you dig in your memories for a minute, I’ll bet you’ll come up with at least 2 forms of “torture” that were endured or even embraced because they were done for a reward. Some might have been initiation rites. Some may have been in the nature of enduring pain for a goal. I know for me, the pain I had in my legs, ankles and feet were all worth it when I knew that I was giving my all to dance my best. All through the growing up years there are steps we take that feel “painful” (emotionally or physically) that we accept and endure for the end goal. In other cultures, frequently the rite of passage includes a great deal of ritualized pain. Start with that perspective. Pain is not always something that is evil and bad, and it is not always horrible to be the person in charge of inflicting it.
Second, let me explain the physiology of the pain response. When the body receives any level of pain, endorphins (happy chemicals) are released to counteract the pain. The deeper the pain, the more endorphins. A “scene” ( a name for the actual act of a bottom and top working together) is done over time, with things getting more and more intense as the endorphins release. There comes a point where the pain is no longer the focus. For me, what begins to happen is that as I move through it, I start to be able to release deep emotion. It’s not that I necessarily think about it, it’s not conscious effort. It is a primal sort of release that happens.
As I stated before, the types of play/scenes that go on are limited only by imagination. And we tend to have really good imaginations. They are not all about contact type things (floggers, whips, paddles). Some scenes involve electricity (violet wands, tens units), fire (very pretty), knives, and lots of other things. Many include bondage but some don’t. There are lots of role playing scenes (many used in the “vanilla” bedroom). It all depends on what the purpose is for the scene which again can be as varied as there are people. Some want it for the beauty (Japanese bondage is considered an art form and not just by kinky folks). Some want to play with their fears. Some want to learn to accept and get over their phobias. Some people just are biologically wired by inflicting/receiving pain to experience pleasure. Some use scenes as catharsis. Most people use different scenes for different things. I play differently with a friend than I would an experienced player whom I trust but don’t know than I would my lover.
So as an introduction (and trust me there is just so much more) BDSM is really about trust, relationships and our journeys to know ourselves. I hope that you can use that to open your mind a touch to be able to experience the rest of the posts about my weekend as they are written. And certainly if you’d like to open a private dialog, feel free to email me.
Technorati Tags: BDSM, Bondage
